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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is your son/brother abusive?

63 replies

YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 07:51

Mumsnet is full of posts about abusive men, usually exes but rarely sons and male family members.
It makes me wonder is it just that people are in denial about their own sons/brothers.

Disclaimer-obviously not all men are bad, I know that.

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 15/01/2019 07:54

Two of my brothers were

grasspigeons · 15/01/2019 07:56

I dont have brothers and my sons are a bit young, but my mums brothers were abusive. Ive never net them because of it.

Hoopaloop · 15/01/2019 07:57

Bait thread is bait.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/01/2019 07:59

My brother's the kindest, gentlest person I know. 🤷‍♀️

lalalalyra · 15/01/2019 08:00

My father was and my brother is. I have a sneaking suspicion that my sister is abusive to her partner as well.

Combineharvester · 15/01/2019 08:04

@hoopaloop what does “bait thread is bait” mean? Genuinely curious Smile

Elfinablender · 15/01/2019 08:06

No, I am lucky. I had/ have a kind Dad, brother, husband and sons. I still understand the difference between personal experience and statistics.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 15/01/2019 08:08

My dad is abusive. And is most likely the reason I repeatedly pursued wrong relationships

MawkishTwaddle · 15/01/2019 08:09

My brother is.

LagunaBubbles · 15/01/2019 08:10

It was the opposite with my brother who is just a nice guy, sadly he ended up with an abusive woman. Thankfully it eventually ended.

GalacticChickenShit · 15/01/2019 08:10

I have no sons.
My dad is at least emotionally abusive.
Brother 1 is no contact.
Brother 2 was arrested for beating his ex wife.

So yeah Sad

theWarOnPeace · 15/01/2019 08:10

My father was, my brother couldn’t be further from abusive. If any thing or any one, living with a violent father has pushed him into counselling and therapy, and he’s been striving for normality and decency his whole adult life. The most reliable and wholesome person you could get, I reckon. I would call out and cut off any abusers in and around my life without hesitation. My DSis (NC) partner was/is abusive and I would not brush it under the carpet ever, hence the NC, because they’re both now totally toxic and abuse each other.

treaclesoda · 15/01/2019 08:13

My brother is not abusive in the slightest and nor was my father.

But actually I'm not sure I agree with your opening post, I see an awful lot of posts on mumsnet where people say their brothers were abusive, often physically or mentally, but sometimes sexually abusive too.

And if anyone posts anything criticising their own son, they get told it must be their fault and/or they feel sorry for the son for having such a horrible mother (because its always a mother's fault, naturally) so it doesn't surprise me that we see very little of that.

Branleuse · 15/01/2019 08:13

my brother was to me, and my dad was to my mum and my brother but not to me

thecatsthecats · 15/01/2019 08:14

My mum's first husband was abusive (and his father before him - his mother committed suicide), and I'd say my half-brother is not abusive, but a misogynist through and through.

Fairly charming and very intelligent on the surface, and he works in a role which you'd think would lend itself to egalitarian types. Really quite handsome too, objectively (looks like Bradley Cooper).

But it doesn't take long to find the woman hater within - especially since he's only attracted to women intelligent enough to see it (his exes have been absolutely lovely women who could have made him very happy if he didn't despise them so much).

Mercurial123 · 15/01/2019 08:14

My brother was, he died when he was 18. He was my mum's favourite and she did nothing when he made my life hell. My dad is either his way or not at all he wanted to control the friends I had growing up and didn't want me to go to uni. I chose bad relationships because I never had a decent role model growing up.

SushiMonster · 15/01/2019 08:14

Given the thread that is going on at the moment where most women are saying their would cover up their child’s crimes like rape or murder... I can’t see many women admiring their son is an abuser.

whatsthepointthen · 15/01/2019 08:15

Why does it have to be denial? my brother was and my dad was. Thats not my ‘fault’

BejamNostalgia · 15/01/2019 08:25

Not in my family. But we’re not violent people. I’ve never seen a member of my family be violent to anybody. Not just spouses. We’re the sort of people who diffuse fights in pubs rather than start them. We weren’t allowed to watch violent films and TV as kids until we were quite old, not even Batman, which I have done too and it does make a bit of difference.

My Dad though, I think he is financially abusive and controls most of the money. Although my Mum does have her own pension.

I think a BIL was towards the end of a relationship. He said he just threw things at her but it’s sketchy because they split and we never heard her side. That was a very bad split though, she had defrauded him to the point where police were investigating her and she was prosecuted, she never alleged anything to the police which makes me think not much happens. Doesn’t excuse it, but it does somewhat explain it.

One of my SILs is definitely emotionally and financially abusive and a coercive controller. She kept him up all night screaming at him once because her DH used a stamp to send a card to a relative.

sarahjconnor · 15/01/2019 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kahlua4me · 15/01/2019 08:27

My dh, brother and DS are all lovely gentle people. No malice in them at all and would do anything to help anybody.

In fact all the men I know are lovely 😊

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 08:28

What does “bait thread is bait” even mean?
Is anything that’s not a lighthearted “oooh should I be naughty and eat the last cream cake? Grin” bait?

I ask because I was pondering it this morning based on a thread on here and based on my own experiences. My exes mother and sisters refuse to even acknowledge what their son/brother is. I’m not projecting, I’m just wondering and I find all the different replies interesting.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 15/01/2019 08:29

DB no and DS is six weeks old. I have two uncles who are definitely abusive and my mother's stepfather was incredibly abusive to my grandmother in particular. DHs grandfather was also abusive to his grandmother when she was alive and continues to be to MIL.

speakout · 15/01/2019 08:29

My father was not abusive, I have no brothers. My OH is not abusive, My son does not have a violent bone in his body.
He is 21, I have never known him to lose his temper or hit anyone, even as a toddler.

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 08:30

whatsthepointthen nobody is talking about fault? You’re clearly not in denial either as you’ve just stated they are abusive?

OP posts: