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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is your son/brother abusive?

63 replies

YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 07:51

Mumsnet is full of posts about abusive men, usually exes but rarely sons and male family members.
It makes me wonder is it just that people are in denial about their own sons/brothers.

Disclaimer-obviously not all men are bad, I know that.

OP posts:
speakout · 15/01/2019 08:31

I do wonder what the point of this thread is though.

OP are you suggesting that women allow, facilitate or even "create" abusive men?

Can you explain your interest a little more?

ButtMuncher · 15/01/2019 08:31

My dad is emotionally neglectful, but wouldn't say abusive. My brother is almost certainly not abusive. None of my uncles are. My grandpa absolutely wasn't. My son is only 2.5 Grin

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 08:35

OP are you suggesting that women allow, facilitate or even "create" abusive men?

Good god that’s a bit of a jump Confused

I’ve explained. It’s something I was pondering this morning based on a current thread and my own experience.
Also the fact their are SO many stories of abuse on here but never ever to my recollection a mother saying I think my son is gaslighting, abusive etc to DIL.
It’s a fair ponder I think.

OP posts:
Silkie2 · 15/01/2019 08:37

Some men are selfish/lack empathy . Such as not helping with housework. But they are like that out of the home too which can be seen as good - single minded for example. So not really abusive.

DrinkReprehensibly · 15/01/2019 08:46

I have a friend who we didn't know was abusive to his GF until they lived with us for a a few months whilst in between homes. My DH and I were so shocked at the way he treated her in our home and having experienced it myself with an ex, her eyes were opened and he eventually left and she stayed with us for another year.

I would never have said he was abusive towards her until they lived with us and I saw it with my own eyes. As a result, despite having a really normal brother/sister relationship with my brother, I can honestly say I don't know whether he is abusive towards his DW.

Accountant222 · 15/01/2019 08:46

My son is abusive when drunk, particularly to me, we are NC.

I'm unsure how that lovely little boy, turned in to this.

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 08:51

Accountant222 I’m so sorry to hear that Flowers

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 15/01/2019 08:54

My eldest step brother sexually abused me and his own brother when we were children. We kept quiet for more than 25 years but now that it's out in the open we have nothing to do with him. The feeling of relief is amazing...

RonaldMcDonald · 15/01/2019 08:57

My brother is incredible

My father and his brothers are all prolific domestic abusers as was their father.

My maternal uncles all excellent men

Like women, there are good and bad

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 08:57

QuizzlyBear a friend of mine had a similar experience with her step brother. She also spoke out in adulthood and found peace/relief. Best wishes Flowers

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 15/01/2019 08:58

My son is still a young child. He's kind and loving but I've noticed he has a tendency to become defensive and angry and want to blame the person who catches him out, if he is caught doing something wrong. Tries to turn himself into the victim. I'm guessing that's not unusual in a child, they don't have emotional maturity after all. But I absolutely think it is my job, and that of his father, to put that out of him before he grows up, so that he doesn't end up being manipulative and emotionally abusive to his future partner.

DarkStorm · 15/01/2019 08:59

My dad was emotionally neglectful. He’s a bit of a dick to my mum at times too.
My older brother was violent growing up (but he had severe emotional problems after almost dying of cancer as a young child, I think he lashed out as he held all his pain in and never spoke about what he went through).

My younger brother has zero empathy or compassion towards anyone and seems to get pleasure out of other people’s misfortunes. Not sure he is abusive though.

Most partners/husbands of friends I have had over the years have been abusive in some way. Controlling, name calling, withholding money, gaslighting, coercive with sex, violent when drunk.

Also every partner I have had had been abusive in some way and treated me badly.

I think maybe because my childhood was disfunctional I have attracted friends and partners who are also disfunctional and accept abuse/are abusive.

Bit sad really. I’m sure there are decent, emotionally healthy men out there somewhere.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2019 09:08

My brother's abusive - mostly to my parents. I dont know which part of Mumsnet you frequent OP but it's full of people posting about abusive family members.

Ethel80 · 15/01/2019 09:09

I'm fairly sure there are a lot of relatives who just don't know that about their sibling/child/other relation. Abusers can be very good at putting on a front and hiding their behaviour from other people.

Others probably don't want to see it and are willing to excuse warning signs.

I can think of at least a couple of men I know where the family just can't accept what their son/brother is like.

My cousin is painted as the gold digging, cold, evil bitch who broke up their marriage. They haven't seen the emotional and financial abuse, the coercion and control and that he continues to behave that way throughout their divorce. I don't think they'll ever see it as he's their golden child and it's much easier to blame her.

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 09:10

treaclesoda my DD used to be/sometimes still is like that. I think it’s just a child thing but it’s great to see and acknowledge these things. I have a few friends who simply cannot see faults in their children whatsoever!

DarkStorm I had an ex who was sure I just attracted dysfunctional people, friends etc. I wondered this too tbh! Then the more I got to know his friends and family the dysfunction in them was made clear too. I don’t know if some people are just honest to certain people about their home lives or other people are just blind to the obvious. It definitely wasn’t just me though and even when I meet a bunch of totally different people, time usually shows some level of abuse or darkness (seedy affairs etc) in the underbelly.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/01/2019 09:12

Actually I find it stranger that there are not more posts about abusive sisters and daughters. All these nightmare mothers and MiLs seem to pop out of the ground fully-formed.

Kewcumber · 15/01/2019 09:14

My brother was and probably still is abusive. But I don't have to deal with it as HE has gone no contact Grin

When he and my SIL split up I said to her - well I couldn;t live with him so I shouldn;t expect you to. Luckily we got custody of her in the divorce instead of him.

I suspect my mother feared he abused SIL but she never compalained of it so we all leave it unsaid.

Roomba · 15/01/2019 09:17

My father is one of the nicest people alive. Unfortunately he's a bit too nice, which just enables my mother who is abusive in many ways.

My son's aren't abusive. The youngest is only six and very kind to all. The eldest is 13 so obviously I don't see him all day long. So I suppose the best I can say is I've never known or heard of him being abusive and I'd be devastated is either son grew up acting abusively.

This is something I worry about as their father was emotionally and financially abusive to me. I've worked hard to ensure they understand what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. Also DS1 is at an all boys school so rarely even speaks to girls. I worry about this as when I was at uni you could instantly tell which male students had come from all boys schools. Hopefully tines have changed, they do a lot of work on relationships etc in his school.

whatsthepointthen · 15/01/2019 09:35

OP are you suggesting that women allow, facilitate or even "create" abusive men?

This is how I took this thread.

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 09:38

This is how I took this thread.

There isn’t one post, including my own, that even remotely allude to this.
Odd how some people view things Confused
Why should it be a taboo subject?

OP posts:
knittedjest · 15/01/2019 10:02

One of my adopted sons is controlling and possessive. Unfortunately it wouldn't suprise me if he was abusive in other ways.

The rest of my sons I highly, highly doubt it. My brother I can't say for sure but doubt that too. My father I can hand on heart say wasn't. If he wasn't abusive to my mother he wasn't abusive to anybody because she was seriously crazy when I was younger and there have been times I've wanted to hit her.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/01/2019 10:05

I think OP is suggesting MNers are possibly in denial

FWIW My brother is definitely verbally and mentally abusive... does that help you? 🤷‍♀️

BeautifulPossibilities · 15/01/2019 10:07

My dad was- mostly emotionally but on occasion, physically and sexually (not towards me for the last two).

I don't have a relationship with my brother because of the issues this caused so don't know.

I know of one couple in our wider circle where violence is an issue.

Original poster
YogaWannabe · 15/01/2019 10:08

I think OP is suggesting MNers are possibly in denial

Or why don’t you just read my posts on the thread and take me at face value ffs?Confused

OP posts:
RolandDeschainsGilly · 15/01/2019 10:09

I only have sisters but my cousin is an abusive bastard. I live the other side of the country to him. It only came out when he was arrested for strangling his girlfriend in front of their baby and toddler.

Suffice to say, cousin is completely cut off now. I sent several big package of things for her and her DC to when she finally got a house after living in a refuge and she now lives relatively locally, so we meet up once a month for a catch up.

Pretty much every female member of my family cut him off and has rallied round her to help.