To wonder is your son/brother abusive?

[YogaWannabe]

Mumsnet is full of posts about abusive men, usually exes but rarely sons and male family members.
It makes me wonder is it just that people are in denial about their own sons/brothers.

Disclaimer-obviously not all men are bad, I know that.

knittedjest that’s how I feel about my dad. Patience of a saint!
I’m so sorry to hear about your adoptive son perhaps it’s an age thing and he might grow out of it?

RolandDeschainsGilly your family and you sound lovely x

Many people don’t want to acknowledge awful things happen in their own family. They minimise all the time, both men and women can be groomed by abusers. They may not be the ones that were actually physically assualted but they are taken in by abusers.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My own stepfather was an extremely violent alcoholic. He had a professional job and we lived in a beautiful house. At his funeral and he very fortunately died when I was 13 so many people were devastated and my Mother was the sad widow. I remember at that very point realising how the truth is often hidden. She cried for a man that often beat her and her dc, he actually tried to strangle me when I was 12.

Yoga

Unfortunately, he is unlikely to change. Not anytime soon at least. He is 30 next month. It's caused by a combination of being arrogant and feeling hard done by in the world. Which is fair enough, he was been hard done by, but he won't help himself move on from that. Not a lot we can do about that now besides just hope that he doesn't have children any time soon.

Abusive men in my family: granddad (on both sides) , stepdad, dad, uncle.

Most abuse is hidden and behind close doors. I would imagine that many people couldn't even guess they are related to an abuser.

My PIL would never guess their son, my ex husband, is an abusive cunt. He is excellent at hiding it. So was I, through fear.

My parents didn't even know. So no, I don't think mners are denial. Some of us will be related to abusers. But most won't even known

Also the fact their are SO many stories of abuse on here but never ever to my recollection a mother saying I think my son is gaslighting, abusive etc to DIL.

What you're missing is that PART of being abusive is the ability to be dissembling and be all sweetness and light to the outside world. Gaslighting doesn't work if you do it in front of other people because they're able to verify the truth, being abusive in this fashion is about isolating their victim.

My uncle tried to kill his entire family (thankfully failed). If you'd have asked me beforehand what he was like I'd have said he was a bit high and mighty but absolutely besotted with his wife. Afterwards it was revealed that he'd been awful for years but that she'd been trying to hold it together and play happy families for the sake of the kids.

When I see news stories of family annihilators now where neighbours say "Oh it's such a shock, he was such a nice man, always waved to me" I think, honestly how stupid can you be to not reassess that view after he commits murder?

I doubt many mothers are going to admit that they have an abusive son.

My brother is misogynistic as hell which might translate to being abusive but is not in a relationship and hasn't been in a long while.

He is nice to me except for when we get into arguments about something sexist eg, he was grumbling about everyone in the new star wars movie being female and that feminism has gone too far for this to happen. Didn't like the all female remake of ghostbusters, thinks it feminism needs to stop because some EU judgement was made by an all female panel and we have had a female prime minister (twice!) so what are feminists going on about we've won already so shut up. Womens role is in the house looking after the children and my ex being a deadbeat dad is highly unusual, mostly it is the mothers who are b*itches that do not let dads see children and it is all their fault. Nevermind that I am stood in front of him with an ex that refuses to see his daughter but constantly posts how I am not letting him see her, brother does not see how that could be the same in other cases.

I know that if he did get a girlfriend he would have those expectations though he wouldn't hit her or even behave like my abusive ex, he would take responsibility and at least try to take care of her and any children, (financially contribute and spend time) but he would lecture them about the proper way to raise children and take care of the house etc (because he does that to me) but would that be abusive or just unreasonable expections?

My dad is lovely and my brother is too.
My son is one of those people who forgive and forget too much, imo he's too nice!
He s also back living with me after a relationship where he was financially taken advantage of and ruined emotionally by a stupid immature girl.
She hated him having a few drinks but she smoked weed and left their flat in a tip most days.
Sadly only dd saw through her and disliked her from the first. Ds and I thought she was ok

One of my brothers is horribly misogynistic and all his exes are "crazy/psychos/damaged," he's that kind of man. Our father enabled our abusive mother.
My other two brothers are lovely.

My son is a lovely kind gentle man.

My Xh however was not.
I had a very abusive (physically and mentally)older sister growing up (we are Nc now) she made my life hell and I spent my whole childhood trying to appease her so I didn't upset her because I was terrified of her. I then married a man who was just like her - read into that what you will, I think there is a definite connection - I had no iddea of what normal relationship was like, - I was used to 95% abuse with 5% of psuedo-niceness thrown in. I believed I was unloveable and lucky to get the 5% as long as I behaved and did everything my abusers told me to.

I do believe how our siblings (and in my situation by extension my parents because they didn't stop it) treat us can seriously affect our sense of self-worth and from there how we form adult relaitionships.

The vast majority of sons on here are children. Mine are. My only brother is a child too.

I have a couple of brothers in law who are abusive, sadly. And an uncle. But my dad and partner aren't.

Also, just because there are lots of posts about abusive men, it does not mean that the majority of men are abusive. I do think most people know at least one abuser, whether they realise it or not. I'll have to wait and see about my brother and sons. I very much hope they wouldn't be abusive, I hope I've taught them better than that.