To not sympathise with misgendered in this situation

[insidenumber]

So bear with...

I have an acquaintance on social media and when I met them they were male. They now have changed their name, divorced their wife of their 3 kids and is remarried with a new child who doesn't have a gender. They are non-binary (hence my language).

On social media they went off because a retail assistant called them "sir". On social media they called them a "c*nt" acting as if this person did it on purpose. Quite frankly, they look male. No matter how much lipstick they wear they are so manly looking (in all the wrong ways) it just looks like a man with long hair and lipstick.

It annoyed me as all fellow trans people they knew jumped on it, attacking this retail assistant when I think it's ridiculous. They said misgendering is hugely painful, "like being stabbed but a million times worse". Maybe I just don't understand but I just don't agree. I think an understanding needs to be had because not everyone knows what is right and wrong regarding gender and I think it represents trans in such a bad way going straight to abusive language.

I'm mixed race and have suffered quite a bit of racial abuse especially recently - it hurts but it's usually because I'm in another European country and there's a lack of understanding/education/knowledge. But I don't go off about it and jump straight to the internet to shout abusive behaviour.

Anyway, AIBU for feeling like this?

FWIW I completely understand that trans must be difficult when not being accepted into society etc. It's the abusive language and need to post it on social media I'm angry about

Your feelings are valid unfortunately so are theirs they choose to make a public show of it all and that sticks in my throat honestly if I had a pound for every time I was looked down upon because I'm a woman I would be bloody rich and yes I've been asked if I had a dick because I stuck up for myself when I said no they demanded I prove it no point in me as a woman complaining about that behaviour but if I had a penis I would have supporters abound and police would listen to me lipstick or not fuck it's shite at the moment

When did long hair and lippy make you a ma’am?

I get treated like crap for being female AND for not being female enough, so much so that a younger (if that is relevant?
I don't know if they are more tuned in to gender issues than my generation?) acquaintance assumed I was non binary.
But I don't go insulting them on social media or indeed to their face, which it is not said if this happened.
It's not always obvious.
People make mistakes/ we have been raised for most of our lives to separate people this way.
It is difficult, but my closer friend who does identify as non binary does have "off days" where they do not wish to enter into a discussion with someone random. But they usually post that they are having "a bad day" and receive the support that perhaps (?) This person was also seeking, but unfortunately in a way that involved dragging someone else down.

What gets me is how on earth anyone you come across in the public, as in retail staff etc, that have never met you before and likely won't again, are expected to know what the backstory and preferred name (is that right?) And feelings Of every single person they interact with during the day and get it right. How is that even possible with each person being so different?
If it's someone who has been asked not to, does it repeatedly, then I can see how that would cause upset but to kick off because a person trying to be polite and give customer service, likely the way they've been trained and behave like that on social media isn't doing anyone any favours is it?

Is this your acquaintance?

Hardly anyone's ever shown a mote of sympathy or understanding for any transperson on MN, ever, so I don't expect anyone to declare you U here. Do you?

A few transpeople have behaved dickishly on Facebook in a way that doesn't really affect you at all. So what?

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Someone pisses someone off, they rant about it on Facebook and get some validation from their friends.

Hardly breaking news is it.

or did you just fancy starting a trans thread for a bit of validation yourself?

Quite Breakyourself. This place can be horribly intolerant sometimes. This story really is a fucking trifle, and this thread nothing but a shitstir.

I won't hang around for the usual hive-mind pile on.

So what should the assistant have called this person thedancingbear?
They obviously look male if a total stranger who is trained to be polite refers to them as sir.
Bloody hell, if quacks like a duck.........

No sympathy here. Everyone’s a fucking victim victim these days.

The irony of a trans person getting so offended over what they have been called and make no mistake, sir is not and never has been a derogatory term, then calling someone a cunt.
Yes perhaps the assistant should have called him a fucking count instead would that have helped.

Cunt not count.

I agree with you in the most part OP but calling your friend “it” is quite disgusting.

This story really is a fucking trifle, and this thread nothing but a shitstir

Yup. Goady bag of fucking bollocks if you ask me.

Fucking hell, I've only just noticed that. Shameful, OP. Reported.

Another one of those blatantly transphobic threads that disappears from the site and from the record.

thedancingbear people are allowed an opinion.

I think in this case it's partly the hypocrisy (How dare you call me sir, you cunt) but also a huge overreaction to a mistake. Different people want to be referred to in different ways. That do not always match their physical appearance.

It's a no win situation for the poor sod in the shop. Unless they happen to be psychic.

Referring to trans people as 'it' is dehumanising and grossly offensive.

Call them what you like because that’s what they’re doing.

Call them what you like because that’s what they’re doing

here we go.

She didn't call anyone it, she's worded her sentence in a slightly clumsy way.

er- OP called their friend 'they' not 'it'
it's a valid question, how strangers are supposed to magically know how someone prefers to be addressed, if that preference is contrary to their appearance
OP states they are mixed race and suffer actual abuse as a result, again this is a pertinant comparison, although none of us chose their ethnicity and this friend is making a deliberate choice to attempt to appear the opposite sex
and as pp said, using the word cunt as an insult is very strange from someone who aspires (in vain) to be female
as for the poor child, and the ex wife, that's a whole other thread

@hypnotizzz @newtlover you’re right, I’ve just read it back. Sorry OP.

“They obviously look male if a total stranger who is trained to be polite refers to them as sir.”

I dunno, I most definitely look like a woman (which is what I am and have always been) but I’ve been called ‘sir’ twice in shops (London). I put it down to people being overworked/busy/dealing with 1000 customers a day.

Difference is, on neither occasion did I call the man a cunt. I just laughed it off (despite feeling a little ).