To not sympathise with misgendered in this situation

[insidenumber]

So bear with...

I have an acquaintance on social media and when I met them they were male. They now have changed their name, divorced their wife of their 3 kids and is remarried with a new child who doesn't have a gender. They are non-binary (hence my language).

On social media they went off because a retail assistant called them "sir". On social media they called them a "c*nt" acting as if this person did it on purpose. Quite frankly, they look male. No matter how much lipstick they wear they are so manly looking (in all the wrong ways) it just looks like a man with long hair and lipstick.

It annoyed me as all fellow trans people they knew jumped on it, attacking this retail assistant when I think it's ridiculous. They said misgendering is hugely painful, "like being stabbed but a million times worse". Maybe I just don't understand but I just don't agree. I think an understanding needs to be had because not everyone knows what is right and wrong regarding gender and I think it represents trans in such a bad way going straight to abusive language.

I'm mixed race and have suffered quite a bit of racial abuse especially recently - it hurts but it's usually because I'm in another European country and there's a lack of understanding/education/knowledge. But I don't go off about it and jump straight to the internet to shout abusive behaviour.

Anyway, AIBU for feeling like this?

FWIW I completely understand that trans must be difficult when not being accepted into society etc. It's the abusive language and need to post it on social media I'm angry about

Also the point of my post isn't anything to do with being against trans in anyway.

I absolutely cannot stand how some people jump straight to aggression. I'd be the same if it happened in any other way but this is the one I couldn't understand.

I felt the need to post it because I did say to said friend I didn't think calling them a cunt was fair. They then attacked me and jumped down my throat. I said, I am sure being misgendered is painful but how is someone meant to know? They sound male and they look male - it's not fair. Retail assistants get enough harassment as it is!

This person never actually said anything to the retail assistant though. They went and sounded off on their own Facebook about it.

I'm with you on this OP. No need to verbally attack the retail assistant on facebook. An easy mistake to make, she wasn't walking around the shop telling him how he is a man, she just called him sir once.
I would have done the same thing. My husband occasionally borrows my lip balm if his lips are sore - people don't start referring to him as female, so I don't think many people would see this and make the assumption.

verbally attack

Or have a rant about an anonymous person because they pissed them off.

MN would grind to a halt if we weren't allowed to rant about people in an anonymous way.

I don't think the assistant was being trans phobic, maybe a bit naive. If you see an obvious bloke dressed as a woman, in your head you kind of think, oh god, what should I say? And end up stuttering around trying to avoid Mr, Mrs, Miss, He, She etc. and stumble into using 'person'.

I can imagine someone with gender dis-morphia and similar issues have a terrible time and should be treated with sympathy and dignity, however most people do not come across such people on a day to day basis, with Mr/Mrs/Miss/Sir/Madam being so ingrained and applicable to 99.9%, i think the individual in question needs to have some patience and understanding too.

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones they didn't even have a right to be pissed off to be fair. They were not outwardly feminine looking and according to the OP are very masculine and look like men. They were addressed as such. Lots of men wear makeup but do not identify as female. It'd be much more of a minefield to address every man in a bit of makeup as Miss / Madam etc.

they didn't even have a right to be pissed off to be fair

Anyone can be pissed off for any reason.

They can then get on with their day and vent to their friends if they want to as well.

Sound reasoning there @BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones. So:

Being pissed off about nothing = YANBU.

Not being a mind reader = YABU.

Got it.

SheAlreadyDoneHadHerses I guess if I said the assistant was wrong or should have been a mind reader you would have a point.

Since I've said nothing about the assistant other than they pissed this person off I guess your clever remark is pretty invalid. People unwittingly piss others off all the time, and there isn't always a right or wrong in every situation.

@thedancingbear

I know it’s been clarified the OP didn’t call them ‘it’ but I just want to point out that ‘it’ could be their preference. I have a non-binary sibling who’s preference is ‘it’.

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones except you did say they'd done something wrong!

imagine being faced with nothing but harassment, piss taking and people telling you that what your feeling isn't real even though every fibre of your being is screaming out that your body is wrong, then getting annoyed and using your own private Facebook to vent about something that hurt your feelings

A self-proclaimed non-binary person being offended at being called sir but would not mind madam is a hypocritical cunty prick.

I just hope my even children become adults all this craziness shite is over and done with.

be who ever you want to be, just don’t force whoever you choose to be on others! World gone mad

SheAlreadyDoneHadHerses

using your own private Facebook to vent about something that hurt your feelings.

Is thr part that referred to the shop assistant, the rest is just general life for a transgender person

You may wish to read all of my posts. Hth