To not sympathise with misgendered in this situation

[insidenumber]

So bear with...

I have an acquaintance on social media and when I met them they were male. They now have changed their name, divorced their wife of their 3 kids and is remarried with a new child who doesn't have a gender. They are non-binary (hence my language).

On social media they went off because a retail assistant called them "sir". On social media they called them a "c*nt" acting as if this person did it on purpose. Quite frankly, they look male. No matter how much lipstick they wear they are so manly looking (in all the wrong ways) it just looks like a man with long hair and lipstick.

It annoyed me as all fellow trans people they knew jumped on it, attacking this retail assistant when I think it's ridiculous. They said misgendering is hugely painful, "like being stabbed but a million times worse". Maybe I just don't understand but I just don't agree. I think an understanding needs to be had because not everyone knows what is right and wrong regarding gender and I think it represents trans in such a bad way going straight to abusive language.

I'm mixed race and have suffered quite a bit of racial abuse especially recently - it hurts but it's usually because I'm in another European country and there's a lack of understanding/education/knowledge. But I don't go off about it and jump straight to the internet to shout abusive behaviour.

Anyway, AIBU for feeling like this?

FWIW I completely understand that trans must be difficult when not being accepted into society etc. It's the abusive language and need to post it on social media I'm angry about

Misgendering happens. Not a capital crime and anyone can do it. I've done it to a non-binary friend who i knew was non-binary just because it can be hard to get used to "they." But it is very very hurtful and painful for the perosn experiencing it. I'm glad they got the support they needed from their friends.

I think staff should stop using words such as "sir" and "ma'am" anyway, there is no need for it and it's like commenting on someone's potential pregnancy, you might make a mistake and end up offending someone.

It sounds like he overreacted but I have never been misgendered so wouldn't know how hurtful it is if it's constant.

Being a black or mixed race woman is a fact you can’t change it.
You experience sexism and racism (I personally find racism worse) but transgender people do have more say in what they choose to be.
OP and myself can’t change our race (not that I would choose to) but it’s seemingly possible to change your gender...

@SylvanianFamiliesNurserySet
Yep if you want to be a “lady” why call someone a really offensive and sexist swear word when you’re ”misgendered” makes no sense at all...

Ghanagirl, I suppose gay people choose to be gay too so homophobia isn't that bad either?

I've had a gender fluid person refer to me as "cis-woman" before. I stopped them and told them that I found that offensive. They then went into a rant why "cis" is the correct term for me, yet suddenly lost their argument when I asked what the correct term for them was, and since they got to decide what my "label" was, surely I could decide theirs? Personally I would be offended if someone couldn't tell I was female as I like to look female. But I would you post abusive language about it on Facebook

I know, people who have gender identity disorder are so bloody arrogant, imagine having a disorder that makes you feel differently to other people, doing something to make you feel slightly more comfortable about yourself and being faced with nothing but harassment, piss taking and people telling you that what your feeling isn't real even though every fibre of your being is screaming out that your body is wrong, then getting annoyed and using your own private Facebook to vent about something that hurt your feelings.

Seriously, the nerve of some people

I have realised I am not very good with a change of pronouns or names. My aunt had her surgery 5 years ago and lived as a woman for 20 but my brain still automatically goes for her original name and unfortunately pronoun. Luckily we are close, am also bad when women change their surname.

Woah, a man feels discriminated against and doesn't like it?

Women have no idea how that feels. Poor lamb. 🎻

homophobia has nothing to do with it
gay people are not expecting total strangers to affirm their sexuality in the course of normal social interactions

@newtlover No, but for many of us the unending heteronormativity does get very tiresome.

@nottonight

I'm not trans. I'm just plain old queer (ie will shag anything without concern for the genitalia). The "hetero" refers to sexuality, not gender. If I had been talking about gender I would say "cisnormativity". So I'm not sure how your "point" relates to mine.

I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve here apart from taking the piss and insulting people? I am happy to discuss in good faith, but as you are clearly not, have a nice day.

YANBU. The concept of ‘literal violence’ as applied to ideas such as misgendering, is utter utter bollocks.

Referring to trans people as 'it' is dehumanising and grossly offensive.

I really wish people would pause for a minute before calling posters names. The 'it' is referring to makeup. The OP clearly explains why they are calling their friend 'they' and uses 'they' several times.

OP, YADNBU. Of course it isn't OK to call someone a cunt for making a mistake and failing to read their minds as to which gender they wish to be addressed as. And I'm guessing these people have never actually been stabbed

There are some people who seem to be so desperate to come up with these examples that I almost think they engineer these situations where they know they're going to be addressed as the wrong gender just to get a bloody story they can rant about out of it!

I also definitely didn't think your post read as if you were referring to them as "it". People are being oversensitive on purpose.

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones you're being ridiculous!!! The story was that someone accidentally called them Sir. Not deliberately called them out in public despite knowing their gender. The correct response would have been "Actually, its Ms". End of. Move on, no need to call anyone a cunt.

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones

I know, people who have gender identity disorder are so bloody arrogant, imagine having a disorder that makes you feel differently to other people, doing something to make you feel slightly more comfortable about yourself and being faced with nothing but harassment, piss taking and people telling you that what your feeling isn't real even though every fibre of your being is screaming out that your body is wrong, then getting annoyed and using your own private Facebook to vent about something that hurt your feelings.

But that didn't happen did it? The shop assistant didn't harrass, take the piss or tell anyone their feelings weren't valid. They've been slated on Facebook, most likely without their knowledge - and as for the 'private' they may well actually get to see it with all the sharing that goes on these days. The shop assistant called someone 'Sir' that's it, they didn't do anything else (according to the OP) so it would seem that they're guilty of a) being polite and b) not being a mind reader.
I don't even see how it's a mistake tbh, I am expected to call people Sir or Madam in my job, dependant on appearance. Sometimes I have a name to help but sometimes not. I'm quite likely to do the same at some point, and that doesn't mean I'm taking the piss or telling them their feelings are not valid, I'm doing my job with the information to hand.
For this henious crime they've been called a cunt on Facebook - let's just hope the assistant didn't have their name posted. It would seem that the shop assistant's feelings at being called a cunt are totally invalid for some people.
Seriously, the nerve of some people confused
Indeed!
It would seem that the shop assistant's feelings at being called a cunt are totally invalid for some people.

using your own private Facebook to vent about something that hurt your feelings.

Is thr part that referred to the shop assistant, the rest is just general life for a transgender person.

Don't tell me that you've never name called someone behind their back because you're at the and of your tether and they have pissed you off.

It's not like this person said it to the shop assistant, they vented on their own private Facebook about it.

This is just more dramatic because this person is transgender, and everyone knows that, because their is a small group of twats screaming loudly about ridiculous things and saying they speak on behalf of all transgender people, that means that the opinion of every transgender person is completely invalid.

There is nothing to suggest the shop assistant was named or that there was any identifying information, I'm sure the op would have included it if there was to add more drama so I don't think anyone will care that someone is venting on fb that a shop assistant is a cunt. There are millions of shop assistants in the world.

Also it's so frustrating that there seems to be this attitude that people like the poor "cunt" in the OP are somehow behind the times and narrow minded. Nope, things aren't going to change. Humans aren't going to develop mind reading abilities. Therefore unless in the future we all start addressing each other by a non gendered term, mistakes will happen!

I haven't referred to anyone as it so please read it properly. Said person likes to be referred to in non-gendered terms so actually doesn't mind "it" but I wouldn't call them that as I can use them/they/their.

Also, they said they wouldn't have been offended if referred to as "ma'am" which blows my mind