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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give in to fussy eating child?

85 replies

Sausagefingers9 · 14/01/2019 18:40

He’s currently crying his eyes out that I’ve not given him what he likes to eat. I’m sick of him eating the same few things though, it’s ridiculous.
He’s a carb fiend and refuses all veg. A simple cheese sandwich is his ideal meal.

Today I’ve made a sausage pasta bake for dinner. It’s nice, very tasty. Me and ds1 have really enjoyed it.
He’s starving but absolutely refusing to eat it!

Aibu to let him go to bed hungry?

OP posts:
Sausagefingers9 · 14/01/2019 19:48

I could probably do with making it less of a battle, you are right. But it showed that without the alternative (much more appealing) meal he will eat something new.

It’s just hard in the moment.

OP posts:
Notcontent · 14/01/2019 19:49

At that age my dd didn’t like her food to be mixed up. That’s quite common at that age. There is no way she would have eaten a sausage pasta bake. Now she is older she eats pretty much everything.

BeanTownNancy · 14/01/2019 19:55

My parents used to force me to eat my dinner or make me go to bed hungry. When I threw up they told me I was being melodramatic.

Took until I was an adult for me to discover I was allergic to most of the meals they served me. Hmm I now have a very unhealthy relationship with food - I'm scared of trying new things which might make me sick.

SeaToSki · 14/01/2019 19:57

I used to pretend the food was speaking to the DC and pleading to not be eaten "please don't eat me, I'll never be the same again" They would then take a bite and chew with great relish. "I'm going to mush you up and then you'll turn into poop" Slightly macabre but it appealed to the gross nature of 3 and 4 yr olds.

We also pretended there was a playground or water park in their bodies. Are the peas going on the slide in your arm or the roundabout in your tummy. And then make happy playing sounds when they took a bite.

ReaganSomerset · 14/01/2019 20:25

Could you get him to help pick the menu for the week? Photos of different options for each day for him to choose from and then that is what the family eats?

toriatoriatoria · 14/01/2019 20:37

I was a very fussy eater as a child (and am still fairly fussy as an adult). I doesn't like my food mixed together.

I do remember having a bit of a battle with my mum over a steak and kidney pudding (of all things!). She served it to me for every meal for 3 days running and for every meal I refused to eat it. After 3 days she gave up and binned it. This was about 30 years ago and I've never forgotten this one. I've definitely for some food issues as an adult and this is one of my formative memories regarding food.

PinkGin24 · 14/01/2019 20:40

YANBU at all!! Eats what he is given or doesn't eat.

Fussy children who are pandered to turn into fussy adults.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/01/2019 20:45

By offering nothing but the thing hes taken against, you are forcing him.

Creating a battle at each meal time means he associates stress and anxiety with meal times, thats going to reduce the likelyhood of him learning positive lessons/habits and increase the likelyhood of him refusing food.

Even though you 'won' this time, its likely that the aversive association between the mealtime and the food is stronger than the positive association of the food satiating hunger/being nice, so you have gained nothing and may well have made matters worse.

Just offer what he wants, alongside what else there is, and eat your meal and otherwise, ignore. End of reasonable length meal time, food goes away.

So mealtimes are not a battle, he eats, which he needs to do, and it doesn't actually matter if he eats bread cheese and apples for a while, he'll try other stuff when he's ready.

I was a fussy child. I was forced. I have lifelong eating disorders and issues because of that.

ShinyMe · 14/01/2019 20:51

I was a very very fussy eater as a child. I especially hated foods that were all 'mixed up' - so stews, casseroles, mixed soups, pasta sauces with bits in, anything like that. I wanted things that were obviously just one thing. I liked baked potatoes with butter on, fish fingers, roast chicken, mashed potatoes, that sort of thing. I'd eat apples, but not apple pie, I'd eat raw carrot batons but not cooked carrots mixed with cooked peas.

The boys next door were equally fussy. But my mum and their mum treated us very differently. My mum usually asked me to taste something, especially if I hadn't tried it in a while - "just in case you've changed your mind" - and then let me eat what I wanted. I went through phases and lived on fish fingers and baked beans for maybe 6 months, and then moved on to turkey steak and potato croquettes for 6 months. My mum never ever made a fuss about my eating, that I remember.

Next door's mum used to put a full plate of whatever it was in front of them and scream and shout until they ate it all. They would sit there for hours in front of their plates, sometimes in tears, sometimes begging, sometimes throwing casseroles on the floor, sometimes sitting for three hours at table with a cold dinner while everyone else went off to watch telly. They were miserable and their mum was stressed. They're still fussy eaters now, although they eat more than they did.

I got to about 12 and made a conscious decision that I was embarrassed to be so picky. It was when I went away on a dance course and stayed with other girls in a flat for a week. I was too embarrassed to admit I lived on microwaved baked potatoes and cold ham, so I just ate what they ate, and discovered I liked pizza and chinese takeaway, and chicken kievs, and spaghetti bolognese and so on. Nowadays I eat pretty much everything. And I get on better with my mum than the boys next door do.

3out · 14/01/2019 20:54

Our DD is very fussy, but it’s very much sensory for her. So long as she’s eating something then I don’t care. The whole ‘she’ll eat when she’s hungry’ tripe doesn’t work either. If I say ‘sorry, there’s nothing else to eat’ then she’ll just say ‘that’s ok’ and calmly not eat until the next meal.
I was apparently fussy when I was young too. The only thing I won’t eat now is curry (I can’t handle spice, my whole body goes itchy and I turn really irritable).
So, I’m not fighting, and hoping she also ends up eating everything in sight by the time she’s 12.

ReaganSomerset · 14/01/2019 20:55

Fussy children who are pandered to turn into fussy adults.

Sometimes, yes. I know a young man with a phd in physics who will only eat chicken and rice to this day. Literally. Just that and sweets/chocolate. Some children do get over it on their own though. Problem is that you can't tell which route a specific child will take until it's too late to change it.

I think deconstruct the food as others have advised, maybe served on a plate with partitions. Praise any eating, ignore any refusal. Let him leave when he says he is done, but I wouldn't actually offer anything else unless there are concerns about his weight. He won't starve from missing one dinner and if he is hungry enough he'll eat what is in front of him. I daresay fussy eaters aren't an issue in countries where food is not plentiful.

Nacreous · 14/01/2019 20:56

Glad he ate it, but I would say that my grandparents thought that I would eat if I was hungry. My parents were away for 4 days, and when they returned, I still hadn't eaten. Children have starved to death and refused food to the point where they have to be fed by drip. It's worth being careful to avoid making things worse

As an adult, I now eat essentially normally, though I still don't like chilli

Pinkclarko · 14/01/2019 21:15

Placemarking

yumscrumfatbum · 14/01/2019 21:21

I think there's good advise on here op. I second it, stay relaxed about eating it can be an emotive issue. One of my four children is a fussy eater. I don't cook differently for her but I always make sure there is some element to meal that she likes. I put these on the table as extras buffet style usually this will be some salad, bread or plain carbs. I serve her a slightly smaller version of whatever the meal is and more often than not she eats a reasonable amount. She's 10 now and what I have learnt is that she's just not as interested in eating as the rest of us are but her diet is balanced and she likes enough foods for eating out to be okay.

Puffinhead · 14/01/2019 21:26

My DD is the same and she’s now 13! She also had chronic constipation and was taking meds for years so knew the importance of a balanced diet and drinking fluids etc. She drives me to distraction sometimes. I find that soups are the way to go - I blend them so she doesn’t quite know what she’s eating and it’s non-negotiable, she has to eat it. It might sound hard but at least I know she’s eating something healthy.

heymammy · 14/01/2019 21:36

That's great that he ate it op, my tip would be...don't leave it too long to give him that meal again or he will forget he liked it. Give it to him fairly regularly to reinforce that it's a meal that he likes then do the same with every new meal that he eats.

secretmetoo · 14/01/2019 21:37

fussy children who are pandered to turn into fussy adults
Nothing like a good bit of mumsnet scientific fact Smile

blibbka · 14/01/2019 21:38

I was a very fussy eater and if I remember correctly would fill up on pudding or dessert if the main meal was not to my liking, or drink a big glass of milk before bedtime.

However, point is that as an adult I enjoy a very varied diet and have no health issues so don't see my fussy-ness as being a problem.

What was a problem, would be comments like "eat up if you want to be big and strong lik xxxxx", or "why can't you eat it up like yyyy", that kind of stuff.

So there is a definite risk of doing more harm than good by being overly obsessive over their eating habits.

We have a fussy child ourselves - "chip off the old block" sadly ;). It is stressful but we try to reward when he tries things and not get too hung up on it when he doesn't. If he complains about being hungry close to bedtime then cheese and crackers or a banana or something like that.

As long as they're not eating cr*p I wouldn't sweat it.

BlueJava · 14/01/2019 21:38

May get flamed but please bear in mind my mother used to make me eat everything on my plate and would force feed me.... so I have always involved my children in the "what to eat question", if they have something they don't like I swap it, if they order something and don't like it I will get something else, if they change their mind I let them just leave it. As it happens they both eat pretty much everything!!

showmeshoyu · 14/01/2019 21:41

Thanks to my parents forcing me to eat a plate of raw tomatoes, I can't eat them today at age 40 without gagging.

I'm not one for pandering, I'd really rather they try well crafted, balanced meals... but that meal of being forced to sit for hours in front of a plate of cold tomatoes, retching on them as my parents shouted at me endlessly left an impression.

CosmicComet · 14/01/2019 21:43

I absolutely do not pander to DC. Unless there’s an allergy or it’s one of a very few genuinely disliked foods, it gets eaten.

BollocksToBrexit · 14/01/2019 21:45

I'd put some bread and butter on the table to have with the pasta and encourage him to have just one mouthful of the pasta. The worst thing you can do is create stress and drama. One try each time and eventually he'll start eating it.

mindutopia · 14/01/2019 21:46

I think that sounds fine. In our house, there’s always been one meal (with some exceptions, like when the main family meal is too spicy for the littlest one or in cases of illness when any food at all is key). I don’t dance around anyone’s food preferences. My older one definitely has gone to bed hungry. But she survived! She’s 6 now and eats most things. Dinner tonight was spicy chickpeas, veg curry, sautéed kale and rice. She licked two platefuls completely clean.

I would say offer a variety of foods per meal but don’t offer alternatives, just persevere.

TheBigBangRocks · 14/01/2019 21:53

I've seen first hand the effects this has in future with eating issues.

I would not like as an adult to be told to eat what's put in front of me or go hungry so why on earth would I do it to a child. Tastes change with age and they usually get better as they get older but I never force mine to eat foods they don't like or refuse to cook what they will eat. Now they are older there's not much they won't eat.

NChangeForNoReason · 14/01/2019 21:58

If they don't want to eat it I offer the 10more approach....

... eat 10 good fork fulls and u can have pudding.

Usually this gets 50% of it down them, means they haven't won but they haven't lost out either. It also normally saves a battle!

If they won't eat anything (very unusual) they get water only until breakfast (or their next meal). I figure no one was ever died by missing one meal Smile

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