To hate competitive parents!

[muddyduck]

We have one mum in particular who is driving me crazy with it. Her child is obviously very academic which is lovely but Mum is so competitive about it. She always wants to know what level dd is at with reading, gymnastics or swimming or whatever so she can tell me her child is higher. She always grills her child about their spelling test result as soon as the child comes out of school just so we can all hear it's full marks again. She keeps records of how many school awards other children have got and them complains if her child hasn't won anything in a while. She always judges other mums for not putting jn enough effort into their child's homework projects. It's not a competition, every parent and child is individual and we're all doing our best. I shouldn't let it get to me I know!

You should all stop telling her your dcs grades etc.
I hate parents like this. My parents always said if you've done your best that's good enough. I said the same to my dc. We have all turned out fine.
I feel sorry for her child. I don't know how old they are but sounds like young primary school?
The child will carry this burden throughout life but could seriously rebel as a teenager over something important like exams.
You should all ignore the boasting and feel sorry for her having such an empty life that her child's school success is all she's obsessing about.
Sounds like her dc won't be allowed to have Any fun!

YANBU. First School was years ago now but I remember it very well.

One YR Mum used to have their DC's classmates round for tea and give them tests in maths and English comparing them to their child. Plus a quick rummage through their book bag for the reading diary presumably. This was all done under the guise of 'playing schools'.

It all stopped in Yr5 when they went to Middle School thankfully.

@sparklingbrook thats appauling

I don't think there is any harm in taking an active interest in your childs academic ability but I think that constantly comparing is a really bad move

We had no idea for ages Nic. it's only when a couple of us and the DC compared notes as to who was going where for tea and what happened there it came to light.

I don't doubt that book bag rummaging is a thing as well. Although have no proof of that!

Oh and when they put the chidrens' trays out for parents to look at their child's books/work prior to the Parents Eve appointment, parents also looked in other childrens' trays than their own.

That's awful sparklingbrook. Last term we had a homework project that involved making a Christmas decoration for the class tree. This mum was grilling us all at the school gate about how we were all doing. One mum who's a single mum of three said she'd bought something for her child to just paint and cover with glitter as she didn't feel she had the skills or time to make something completely from scratch and her child wasn't particularly into arts and crafts. Competitive mum then "joked" saying "lazy parent alert!" at the top of her voice followed by "only joking!" I felt so embarrassed for the other mum. So unnecessary.

These parents suck the joy out of parenting. It really is the worst thing about being a parent.

My two are 17 and nearly 20 now but whenever I think about it it still makes me angry.

Oh the projects, I remember them well too. I would help a bit but didn't do the whole thing but it was so obvious which ones were done by the competitive parents.

Also Harvest Festival donations fresh fruit & veg-hampers with ribbon and cellophane would all be going in, when i just dug in the cupboards for a few tins.

Oh and when they put the chidrens' trays out for parents to look at their child's books/work prior to the Parents Eve appointment, parents also looked in other childrens' trays than their own

I teach Reception and on Parents Evenings our Head hands the workbooks to each individual set of parents as they come in. Otherwise this would happen. Often.

I've sat in meetings where parents have wanted detailed breakdowns of which child is attaining a particular level, and wanting explanations if their DC wasn't also there. There's a special kind of madness that takes over some parents that no amount of "your DC is doing things in their own time" can negate.

My own DC have had it occasionally where parents of their friends have questioned them about how much extra work I make them do (none - they read each night and do homework, the rest of our time is for fun) and how much help I give them with projects (none, unless it's papier mache because I love that stuff!). You have to learn to disengage entirely with it and smile benignly. It drives the competitive parents even more crazy when you won't engage, but also shows them that a) you're not going to enter into a contest and b) your child's fundamental value can't be gauged by a swim level.

7yo's Christmas tree Dec was a bog roll coloured in with felt pens to look like a wise man. I stapled a loop of ribbon to his head - that was my total input. Most of the decs looked similar, only a few looked adult-made.

I have had someone try and compare their child with mine over the years, it is terribly boring. A flat bland "oh, how lovely" and shuffle off worked a couple of times. Until they got really competitive about reading and I'd had enough by then, so I out-boasted him

It's been 2 years and he hasn't done it again - to me, he has moved on to others, though.

Just announce " I don't think comparing your child to others and being super pushy does the child any favours, and they'll likely lose friends if you continue going do" should suffice.

I do wish teachers would not have the whole class results in front of them at Parents Evening (this was more a Middle/High school thing) I am not good at reading upside down but you can bet some people are!

One of my friends is exactly like this and it really bugs me especially when it is detrimental for the child.

Several of the kids in swim class were moved up a level before her DD1. She complained then threatened to pull DD1 from the class and hey presto the next lesson DD1 was moved up a level.

Her DD2 is 3 and can barely say 5 words but my friend has declined speech therapy, because she refuses to accept DD2 is behind in this area of development.

Her DD3 was born two months after my DC1 and I'm already dreading what she'll be like when mine starts school.

Can I admit to looking at other books on parents evening. Not be at I care where that child is.....just because with your first child there is no idea of understanding how much/little is 'normal'. When my son was still turning letters the wrong way round and doing a 3 like an E....I just wanted to see if he was similar to others. A quick look and I knew not to stress over it. I never even looked at the names as I wasn't interested in who's books......our school now hands out the books.....😂

Totally understand how you feel. My husband's nieces and sister are like that and sometimes I think they are even competing with each other. They filled their kids' days with all kinds of activities to the point that it's starting to feel like each of their kids has a full time job. Whenever you see their facebook posts, it feels like a competition.

To be honest, I've stopped following all of them on FB now for that very reason. It's all me, me, me.... all of them making it sound like they have their kids' lives planned out till retirement starting from schools to their jobs. It just stopped being cute and definitely stopped being about the kids a long time ago and turned into their mutual competitions. Feels like one of those Housewives of the Orange County programmes.

I feel sorry for the kids it’s no fun being compared to other kids all the time and the pressure to be the best must be awful for them.
I like to see crap homework projects that the child has done by themselves. No one wants to see how good at crafts a parent is, let the child have a go even if they bugger it up.

Can I admit to looking at other books on parents evening
Yes but don’t do it again! It’s a massive breach of privacy, treat these children with the respect you would want to be treated with. I understand how tempting it is but it’s not nice.

Place hand on their arm, tilt head and say " don't worry, they'll get there in their own time" obviously out of the hearing of the children.
Otherwise nodding and not saying anything at all about successes. Focus on feelings.

Is little darling enjoying x/y/z or excited about (upcoming school or class trip).
But generally I realise that in the UK it is somehow "uncool" to be proud of your child's achievemens!

Oh crikey. I have to admit to the upside down reading at parents evening

Why do you care? It's only a competition if you are part of it. You are making one, if you ignore her, she will just be

Why do you tell her your child's level? Just ignore, tell her you don't know, that you don't care. It's none of her business.

I don't blame other parents to have a look at other children's work, that's quite natural. Parents wants to know where their own children stand. You have a good idea of the average level expected when you have several kids, but when you only have one, it's harder. It it's used to mock or gloat, it's rude, but if it's too understand where your own child is, why not.

Rummaging through school bag is more than rude, I would have been furious.

With competitive parents, if you really cannot avoid them, just play down your own kids, it's quite amusing and it stops the conversation. Other parents who are not your friends are of no importance whatsoever in your life.

She sounds like someone I used to work with. I avoided that poison like the plague.

if you want to know where you child stands in relation to their classmates ask the teacher. No need to go poking through other childrens' books uninvited.

if you want to know where you child stands in relation to their classmates ask the teacher

that's stupid, no teacher will ever tell you that. Rummaging through other people's belonging is one thing, but reading the things that are in front of you, sometimes even pinned to the walls of the class another entirely. I am nosey, I look even when it really doesn't matter to me.

I know loads of (deluded) parents like this (in a couple of cases, the Dad is worse). Just ignore them. In all likelihood you will never see them once the kids go to secondary school. Also, these types dont cope well with the teenage years, which can be amusing to sit back and watch ...

I used to hate this and at 11+ time is got a whole lot worse, in the end If i was asked if DD / DS was doing the 11+ I used to ask back - why do want to know? usually worked, don't let this parents use your kids as a benchmark, tell her nothing

So it doesn't stop at school age then? My DS is only 10m and nobody prepared me for how competitive parents can be