To hate competitive parents!

[muddyduck]

We have one mum in particular who is driving me crazy with it. Her child is obviously very academic which is lovely but Mum is so competitive about it. She always wants to know what level dd is at with reading, gymnastics or swimming or whatever so she can tell me her child is higher. She always grills her child about their spelling test result as soon as the child comes out of school just so we can all hear it's full marks again. She keeps records of how many school awards other children have got and them complains if her child hasn't won anything in a while. She always judges other mums for not putting jn enough effort into their child's homework projects. It's not a competition, every parent and child is individual and we're all doing our best. I shouldn't let it get to me I know!

YANBU I hate these parents too

One time I did actually make a costume for my child for an event. I jokingly told other parents about this and then at the event one professionally disorganised mum made a point of saying to me "what exactly is he dressed as?" Cow.

Also my kids have to do an end of term project this year and I've decided that I am actually going to do the bulk of it because I know loads of other parents do it. I used to make him do all the work and then he gets poor marks compared to other kids who have had their architect father or professional painter mum do the project for them!!

I reckon a lot of mumsnetters are secretly sneaking a look at other children's work, based on the number who claim that their child is "top of the class".

It's scenarios like the one in the OP that make me wish that we weren't so socially conditioned to be polite. Replying to enquiries with "why are you asking, it's none of your business" would soon put a stop to it.

Pathetic stuff from some parents described here. I don’t know what’s wrong with them.

I wouldn’t dream of looking at others kids’ work, I’m just not interested. As long as my son is happy and developing normally, that’s fine. Teacher says he is.

Also, I will be putting zero effort into any “homework projects”. I don’t really believe in homework (especially at primary school age) and I have far too much other stuff to do.

Don't give SuperCompetitiveMum the info she asks for - just be vague or say you don't know, or aren't sure, or don't think it's healthy to discuss that sort of thing.

This is not just for your own sanity, but for the good of that woman's poor DC. Imagine what a grim life that must be. Hopefully you can ease a tiny bit of the pressure on her by reducing the amount of comparing that SuperCompetitiveMum is able to do.

When my ds was at secondary, he would get quarterly reports regarding progress but they would also get a number out of 350 to state where they were in the year group academically and behaviourally. It was such a shitty thing to do imo

Ahhhh, kimchilala I didn't see your post before mine! Was it the same girl or is this common?! Her initials were KC.

Ah no different girl then!

they would also get a number out of 350 to state where they were in the year group academically and behaviourally

For behaviour?! It's not as straightforward as lots of people seem to think to rank students academically (it isn't that often that one student is the best at everything and it certainly isn't the case that one comes 10th in the class at everything), but how on earth do you distinguish between the 210th and the 211th best behaved student in a year?!

My sister is one of these women, she lets the nanny do all the hard work though (obvs). She has even resorted to telling everyone that my DS has ASD (he doesn’t) to win some pathetic self inflicted contest because mine goes to prep school and hers is at the local primary. Her oldest passed the 11plus which is great, the middle one is at the local comp (all fine I went to one, sis went to grammar) and middle kid is constantly reminded about how ‘different’ they are to the mum and siblings (e.g. not academic enough). This level of over competitive achievement is so damaging but people can’t help it. It makes me sad and angry at the same time.

Competitive mum then "joked" saying "lazy parent alert!" at the top of her voice followed by "only joking!" I felt so embarrassed for the other mum. So unnecessary

To which the response for ever more should be “ooo, competitive and insecure parent alert!!” each and every time she makes enquiries, but without the added “only joking”.

This thread reminds me of the advantages of having children in secondary school - distance from parents like this. Reflecting now mine are older, It hasn’t necessarily gone well for the children who had parents like this, the focus on destination over journey seems to produce high achieving (at least initially) quitters, who don’t have the support when they fail because the parents are too busy worrying about how it reflects on them. That doesn’t foster resilience.

Totally agree that off-hand and disinterested is the way to respond, not least because Uber Mum will drift off from you and look for validation elsewhere.

I had a girl in secondary school act this way with me. She always wanted to know how I did on every test it was bizarre. I used to drive her mad and exaggerate my results and watch her flounder when I knew she was dying to say “how did YOU get better marks than me?!” Her mum was a super strict teacher so I’m guessing she got her competitive streak from her. Have fun with it OP

most of the mums I know tell you how much their children are struggling, rather than if they're top of anything.

that's a perfect attitude faced with competitive parents.
I don't mean you are one of the competitive ones, just that's it's the easy way to behave at the school gate. Aim high, but don't tell the others.

I also don't agree with the "doing your best is enough" attitude. It's such a wrong message to give the children, and they are clever enough to realise that wishful thinking doesn't help them win a race, a spot in the end of year play or a place in their chosen school.

I make a huge effort with home craft projects etc,not because I want my child to be the best but I really enjoy doing crafts with my kids.
I also make a lot of effort for food drives, or whatever is on not because I wants ds's to be better and for them to have in more but because it's a nice thing to do.

Just reply 'not my homework, is it?'.

Nothing more boring than seeing a ten page essay copy and pasted off the Internet by the parent being passed off as little Georgia's holiday work, compared to the A3 poster hand drawn with short paragraphs of useful/interesting facts individually written and stuck on by the kid with the attention span of a gnat.

Think Poster Presentation than scientific paper.

You could just brush off the questions by saying you didn't want to be so crass as to compare results. I do that with a mum in ds's class, she's ultra competitive whereas I'm not. I said that on the first day when she was trying to figure out ds's levels to compare against her own dc. I don't indulge in her nonsense and it drives her batty! She doesn't want to be seen as crass so she daren't ask me directly. Iyswim!

' Elevenerife again?'
If only I was brave enough to say this

@lisasimpsonbff thry used to get bronze silver and gold reward points for good behaviour and then points removed for bad behaviour. You are right about differentiating though. Especially as you get towards 350. Ds was 312 once and I never understood how when he seemed to have lost 15 points and had a couple of bronze good behaviour points too

unfortunately I have to talk to her, our children are friends

Where I am, if the parents don't like the parents, they don't let their kids play with their kids.

Cannot stand competitive parenting, every year DC's school has a competition at Xmas, where you decorate a jar of sweets and take it to the christmas bazaar, each class has jars selected as winners. DC has been in tears several times because where I let them loose with glue, glitter, stickers etc, other 'children' parents make huge papier mache snowmen/santas/reindeer around the jar, and then get picked as winners despite it being clear no 6 year old would be capable of that. I wish parents would let their kids be kids!

Ha - one of my best mates is totally like this.
I love her dearly, she's very kind and would drop anything to help anyone.
But god she loves to try to find out how well her kids are doing - and to publicise it wherever possible.

I just refuse to be drawn on the subject. Even when my eldest achieved something that literally wiped the floor with her child's result, I never told her, and it amused me to let her think the reverse.

Same goes with anyone fishing, I am schtum. There was another school parent who was holding forth at great length about reading levels, and another just said breezily "well it isn't a race, is it?"

I don’t know what’s worse the parents that are blatantly showing off or the ones that pretend to be surprised by their kids results. When you know said child has been practising like a demon because the father told your husband! It just feels a little off.

We moved from U.S to Germany when my kids were 9/10 yrs of age and although my DH is German their language skills in german were not up to par and so school was very , very difficult for them.My youngest really suffered and I asked for them to have extra help in grammar.I was then accosted a few times by other mothers in the supermarket and asked how much 'extra help' my kids were getting because they were going to ask for the same for theirs as it 'wasn't fair' I have found out since that they even had a secret meeting to have my son removed from the class because he was perceived to be holding their darlings back.Do note that there is huge pressure on the kids here in year 4 as in that year there is qualification for year 5 and the different schools ie Gymnasium /Grammer schools I think it used to be called 11 plus in UK. It pits the parents and kids against each other and is so difficult.

I went with my friend once to pick her DS up from school. She'd had parents evening that week and was telling me how it went. One of the mums overheard and came over to ask how it went. Friend very politely said 'Yeah, all went well. He is reaching his targets' and that was it.
Other mum said 'Oh well, teacher told me my boy could sit the core GCSEs tomorrow and get A's and B's. He is way above all of the others. In fact, she said he's the brightest boy she's ever taught. At least yours is on target though, that's something I suppose'

The children were 5