To refuse help even when it's needed?

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

A bit of background, been with DH 10 years 1 DSS early teen. We are just back from a long holiday (to visit family overseas, essential due to ageing family) which DSS was invited on, but he refused to come on at the last minute. Genuinely unsure of his reasons why, he has been going through a stage of anger with DH and myself for no good reason. We are just back and DH has had to go away with work, yet to see DSS. His ex is demanding assistance with DSS now that we are back and insisting he change his travel plans. I have offered to help, which I have done many many times before but is being flatly refused. Is she BU, surely if you need help, you need help?

But he needs his dad...

she's probably aware of your dss angst with you and dh, butshe can't have it both ways. can you speak with her to find out what is going on and why he's angry ? she might be able to shed some light on this. he is a young teen and as we all know 'hate' everyone and everything, he probably doesn't like mum much either and that's why she wants the support but not from you. maybe she feels he needs his dad.
why hasn't dh seen him after a long holiday ? was there any contact while you were away ? i don't blame him for not wanting to visit relatives though, that can tedious at the best of times. may he thought most of the time you would be with them, am assuming this wasn't the case though.

I think it all depends on what the problem is, how serious, and what sort of help the ex wants.

He's at a tricky age. Maybe he needs a firm parental hand? Or some parental emotional support? Or a male role model? Or simply needs to spend time with his Dad.

As much as you may be willing and able, sometimes only a Dad will do.

If you don’t know the cause of the DSS anger then how can you know it is without good reason?

It’s hard to know if she is bu without know what problems DSS is currently having and what help is she asking for. If the teenager is having anger issues with a non resident parent and step mother and think the father passing off his duties to the step mother I supect this will make things a whole lot worse.

He was invited on the holiday, so the plan was that he’d spend that whole time with his dad, then you’d get back and dad would go away for work.

The kid decided he didn’t want to go, but dad still needs to go to work. He’s 10, he is old enough to understand that. I’m really not into pussy footing around or molly coddling children who are old enough to understand the sequence of events. His dad should give him a call and explain it, then make arrangements for when he is home from work.

It doesn't sound like she is BU to me, why would dss and his mum want help from a strep parent when they can have it from an actual parent who has significantly more obligation to help anyway.

It sounds like the help needs to come from Dad, maybe so that dss can see that he is a priority in his Dads life or for one of the reasons given above.

It's unlikely that dss is angry for 'no good reason'. He will have his reason and it will be valid and matter to him, so it's not very kind to just dismiss that.

ChrisjenAvasarala are you the OP? I’m a bit confused.

Completely agree that he needs his dad - 100%.
But the message from ex wasn't your son needs you .... but well you've paid no regard to my needs while your away so now I need help. No mention of DSS.
He hasn't seen him as landed late and flew again early. No physical window of time to see him.
He's angry at us, he believes I'm the reason his mum and dad aren't together (not true)
Plus being protective of his mum, she has chaotic lifestyle. He's sees that his mum has a tough time and we don't (Not that he sees anyway)
Surely if you need help you take it regardless if you don't like the source. When you've happily accepted it prior?

His dad should prioritise some time with him on his return

Help from you is clearly unrequired just respect that

he has been going through a stage of anger with DH and myself for no good reason

maybe in his head, there is good reason? why not talk to him and listen to what he has to say rather than dismissing what he might be thinking and feeling?

What is a 'chaotic lifestyle'?

how do you know about the chaotic life style, has dss said things or has dh in the past?

@Jackshouse

Quite obviously not. But the previous posters were replying as if the dad isn’t making time with the kid, and isn’t caring about his needs. They did, he was meant to go on the holiday. The kid decided to have a huff and not go, but dad still needs to work and at 10 he is old enough to understand that.

ds is a young teen not 10, so why on earth would he want to spend part of his holiday around elderly / poorly relatives ? it's hardly a lot of fun.

I misread the age.

If he decide he doesn’t want to be around relatives then that’s his problem, not theirs. Again, he is old enough to understand responsibilies. He’d still be able to enjoy being on a holiday, and having time with his dad. But he didn’t want to go. Fine, but his dad still needs to work.

Sounds like he hasn't seen his Dad for at least 2-3 weeks, how long were you away for? Were these your ageing relatives (ie not related to DSS) or your DH's?

If your DSS's Mum hasn't had a break from DSS, I can understand her wanting a little time to herself while her DS is with his other parent. Being a lone parent can be relentless. I can also understand her wanting this to be with his parent, not his step-parent (that's absolutely not a criticism of you). Even delaying a flight by 24 hours would have made a difference. When is your DH back?

10 is such a tricky age, when the pre-puberty hormones are kicking in, and they are often starting to think more deeply about things, IME.

Sorry, I also misread the age!

ChrisjenAvasarala

The kid decided to have a huff and not go, but dad still needs to work and at 10 he is old enough to understand that.

Amazed at how decisive posters can be - based on very little evidence - about what's right for other people's children.

Children become needy if their needs aren't being met. They can demonstrate that neediness in all kinds of irritating ways, it doesn't make their need any less real.

"If he decide he doesn’t want to be around relatives then that’s his problem, not theirs"

No it bloody isn't. You have to do things at times to suit your children's needs.

Even non resident parents.

The Teen years are tough for everyone. Girls need their Mums at times, but they also need a goid relationship with both Parents.

Likewise, Lads need their Dad's, not their StepMums.

Depending on what's going on in your Teen's life, sometimes you have to take time off work, cancel holidays and concentrate on them.

What Mother would go on holiday without her Teen Daughter, who is having anger issues and then just go straight to working away?

They wouldn't, unless they are happy to help fuck up their mental health.

"he is resentful of the easy time we have, compared to his Mother"

I'm not surprised, you are living the typical 'Disney Dad', piss off and leave the Mother to it, lifestyle.

Good on your SS (let's face it, he isn't a DS's) for recognising that. I hope he gets through this tough patch.

Did you post about him suddenly not wanting to go?

Many on that thread felt his Dad should give him more time than he has been.

Perhaps he didn't go because he feels responsible for his mum?

You say long holiday-so longer than he would usually see his dad for?

If she's struggling though, she should surely have made sure that he did go?

Under the circumstances I think it would have been useful to talk through the consequences of your dss not going with you for everyone and with everyone before allowing him to bail out of the trip.

As for the anger for no good reason. If you approach the situation like this and dismiss his feelings so readily of course his mother is going to refuse your help. You are making yourself part of the problem by not acknowledging his anger even if it is misplaced.

It sounds as if they need a bit of male bonding time ASAP without you around. Can this happen?

The OP and DH went to visit her Family, not the DSS's Family, as such. It isn't a surprise that he didn't want to go.

OP, if your IVF is successful, do you think there will be three week gaps in you seeing your child?

Your SS has anger issues, your DH hasn't spared the time to get to the bottom of why, although I think his lack of interest is the main reason.

Do you think the trip over Christmas really should have happened?

In the News is constant reminders how we have to look after the Mental Health of Teenage Lads, how important good male role models/Dad's are. How we have to listen to them to prevent suicide etc.

Your DH is failing his Son.

'its been hard on us on top of work and not having your mum to give you a hug when you really bloody need it. I will be over the moon when I step off that plane"

That's you, as an Adult, needing your Mum.

Now put yourself in your Teenage SS's shoes.

It was fully explained, talked through with DSS he made the choice not to come. Not DH, myself or his mum.
We visited my family yes, but also DH's (who is elderly in poor health)
Why is time away from the step mum in situations like this. Does no one think that I want to see him? I'm offering to care for him while his mum has had 'enough of him' and his dad goes back to work !!!!!!!! To give him gifts loving collected from our trip and gifted by my side of the family !!!
(And yes thank you for bringing up the infertility, not really relevant - but I appreciate the dig)

now i know i'm dim bird but where was op having ivf mentioned ? and 'it's been hard on us.. hugging mum' etc ? i'm on page one of one - a heck i need a brew