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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse help even when it's needed?

69 replies

Itwillgeteasieripromise · 14/01/2019 08:09

A bit of background, been with DH 10 years 1 DSS early teen. We are just back from a long holiday (to visit family overseas, essential due to ageing family) which DSS was invited on, but he refused to come on at the last minute. Genuinely unsure of his reasons why, he has been going through a stage of anger with DH and myself for no good reason. We are just back and DH has had to go away with work, yet to see DSS. His ex is demanding assistance with DSS now that we are back and insisting he change his travel plans. I have offered to help, which I have done many many times before but is being flatly refused. Is she BU, surely if you need help, you need help?

OP posts:

RB68 · 14/01/2019 11:50

I think the issue here is she is wanting to control what son does on fathers time - if father goes abroad and leaves him with step mother that is His business not hers and she doesn't have the right to veto it - he should have just said fine SM will collect him and we will have him till next Monday and carried on working as per usual with maybe a skype every day.

People often change smallish details when they post maybe not remembering what has been said before - stop turning it into a witch hunt

MarthasGinYard · 14/01/2019 11:55

'would love to know her real role in his change of heart about the holiday!'

5 weeks is a long time for a 10 yo to be away from home with a parent they have only just started seeing again.

Maybe he just didn't want to go

MarthasGinYard · 14/01/2019 11:58

'People often change smallish details'

Not a small deal quite relevant given he's being asked to go away with his previously absent dad and Op for 5 weeks

Original poster

Itwillgeteasieripromise · 14/01/2019 12:02

Not and never absent. FYI, DH has seen DSS every single week since sep, even while he pulled away ...... texted/talked face time daily or attempted to while we were away.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 14/01/2019 12:13

But it's described as difficult four months when he wouldn't see his dad if you were there.

What I mean is to go from that to him being away with you both for 5 weeks may have been too much for him to contemplate and that's why he dropped out?

Original poster

Itwillgeteasieripromise · 14/01/2019 12:19

He dropped out while the contact was good, it was after to told us he didn't want to come the contact stopped. He was distant one day, we asked what was wrong. He said he didn't want to go. We said fine no drama, let's think about it, work through it together. No pressure. We'd love you to come. But 100% respect your wishes ...... We weren't trying to force him on a break while he was no contact.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/01/2019 13:10

5wks away from his mum?

Surely that was never going to happen?

Equally 5wks with his dad absent-he's not his dad's priority is he?

Gazelda · 14/01/2019 13:17

So DH hasn't seen his DS for 5 weeks, and won't until this weekend? Making 6 weeks.
I can see why she's at the end of her tether.
Poor boy caught up in this.

BejamNostalgia · 14/01/2019 13:29

A five week holiday visiting elderly relatives, some of whom he is not even related to and leaving his mother totally alone over Xmas and NY? I can’t for the life of me understand why anybody would think that was a suitable or sensible suggestion for an 11 yo. I think he probably thinks, as do I, that the offer of taking him on holiday was not sincerely meant and you knew he would turn you down. I think it was just offered as a fig leaf to justify his father not seeing him for 5 weeks over Xmas (Well we did offer, etc, etc).

He wants his Dad. He doesn’t want you or your elderly relatives and nor should he have to commit to an uninviting 5 week trip in order to see his Dad over Xmas.

Your DH’s message to his Mum would have got right up her nose. He made him sound like a work project being slotted into his calendar. And telling her that her DS is ‘fine with that’ when she’s stuck at home with a child clearly struggling - I’m not surprised he got a load of abuse back.

MoreCheeseDear · 14/01/2019 13:34

OP, you are doing your best as is your DH, some here think step mothers are the spawn of the devil and first wives fart rainbows. Ignore them.

BejamNostalgia · 14/01/2019 13:40

They’re not really doing their best though are they? DSS is an afterthought slotted in between work and holidays.

diddl · 14/01/2019 14:08

I agree Bejam-sounds as if she just wants him to be a parent-and not just when it suits him!

LannieDuck · 14/01/2019 14:37

Sorry OP, but the messages do sound as if DH sees his son as and when it's convenient for him and nothing more.

Surely this scheduling issue was obvious? Couldn't he have prioritized his son and said that he wanted to curtail your last week away by a few days? Thereby gaining a weekend in-between trips to spend with DS?

And why would he spend 5 weeks seeing both your families over the entire xmas period, leaving no time for his son? Could he have flown home for a week in the middle?

LannieDuck · 14/01/2019 14:40

Genuinely unsure of his reasons why, he has been going through a stage of anger with DH and myself for no good reason.

I think you answered your own question in the next sentence:

We are just back and DH has had to go away with work, yet to see DSS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/01/2019 15:50

So let’s get this straight. Your dss is 11. You and your dh booked a 5 week holiday to visit your family etc, which your dss decided not to go on. At 11 I’m not sure he should be given all the choices. However.....

Your scheduling is bonkers 5 weeks is far too long for a child of this age. You should have gone for however long you wanted and your dh should have taken your dss over for a couple of weeks. If he didn’t want to go at all, your dh should have cut his trip short. Say 2 1/2 weeks with you and 2 1/2 weeks with his ds. So he could have actually had some 121 time with his son. And parented his child.

You both sound very selfish and will reap what you sow.

NailsNeedDoing · 14/01/2019 16:46

Why would you book a holiday with a child for that long over school time anyway? Dss clearly isn't the priority if you could do that, never mind anything else that might be going on.

Fattymcfaterson · 14/01/2019 17:19

It's a shame you're not getting proper support here OP as some posters seem to have turned detective, I don't really understand why.

I think right now you just need to back off for a bit, let DH deal with it. Hopefully once DH sees his DS things will get back onto a more even footing.

Also, love all the posters saying your DH could just rearrange work at the 11th hour. How many people have jobs in which they can do this?

Maelstrop · 14/01/2019 17:37

5 weeks away including Christmas is far too long for a young boy. Of course he didn't want to go. Why did you need to be away for so long? Was it the first time he hasn't seen his dad over Christmas?

MrLovebucket · 14/01/2019 18:21

To be fair OP, the way you describe your visit on another thread doesn't sound that appealing to an adult, let alone a teenager. Driving up and down the length of the country, going to school plays, babysitting etc. I can see why your DSS wasn't that keen. Sounds as though you would be staying with relatives at least some of the time too. I'd have hated doing that in my early teens. I wouldn't want all that time away from my other family members and friends, especially over the festive period.

As much as you would like to help out, I think you need to take a back seat with this one. DSS wants to spend time with his Dad, not you. Ex wants her son to spend time with his Dad, not you. Not unreasonable imo.

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