To refuse help even when it's needed?

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

A bit of background, been with DH 10 years 1 DSS early teen. We are just back from a long holiday (to visit family overseas, essential due to ageing family) which DSS was invited on, but he refused to come on at the last minute. Genuinely unsure of his reasons why, he has been going through a stage of anger with DH and myself for no good reason. We are just back and DH has had to go away with work, yet to see DSS. His ex is demanding assistance with DSS now that we are back and insisting he change his travel plans. I have offered to help, which I have done many many times before but is being flatly refused. Is she BU, surely if you need help, you need help?

The extra information comes from a previous post .... the OP has advanced searched my user name to find out more and is bringing unrelated info (like IVF) into this post.
I want to support DSS, I'm offering to help when DH can't be here! But that doesn't seem to be of use or value even when DSS's mother is saying she is desperate for help.
But no one seems to be seeing that, but expecting me to shirk into the back ground as I'm not his biological parent. I have however been in his life as long as he can remember. But that isn't a parent, how could I truly understand.

Hi OP,
I was baffled about the extra information, too, so I searched your user name too.
I find you a little disingenuous from that search. On 6/1/19 you posted about your 11 year old step son. I assume it is the same boy. You state in that post that your DSS has for some time only visited his dad when you aren't there. You call his mum "crazy". You state that you are going through the court to change access.
I can see why she doesn't want to accept help from you TBH.
I would suggest that you step back and leave it to your DH to sort out.

To be clear, I did not directly call his mother crazy.
I said you can't reason with crazy - statement. Not name calling ...... just to clarify !

Why is time away from the stepmum in situations like this. Does no one think that I want to see him?

Perhaps you want to see him. But by the sound of it you don’t see who he really is. You sound judgmental of him and I say that even without the post from gottastop. He’s upset and angry and full of hormones. He is blaming your presence as the reason for his parents split. He’s a child. You are judging him for feeling the way. You don’t have an excuse. You’re an adult.

He doesn’t want to be with you. Shit as though it may be for you to understand. Your husband allowed a young teen to not spend time with him on a trip abroad. Your husband needs to step up and parent his child.

while his mum has had 'enough of him'

Wow, the poor boy. Angry about not seeing one parent, and the other parent at the end of her tether with his moods. He's being messed around.

With respect, OP, if someone had used the statement "you can't reason with crazy" in reference to me, I would feel that they were calling me crazy. The rest is semantics.

It sounds like you should stay out of it. The Ex probably saw the situation as you two swanning off on a nice holiday for yourselves, then her Ex DH arranges to go straight back to work without seeing his son. So she is left with this angry teen who is caught in the middle between his sparring parents. The Ex wife just wants to make demands on her Ex husband that she is still embittered towards. So it's not actual help she wants, just the Ex DH's attention.
She's using the Teen Son as emotional leverage like those sorts of people do.

He's only 11. That's not a teen then.

When is your DH back and what are the plans for him seeing his DS? What contact have do they have while DH is away (whether that is holiday or work?) Do they facetime daily, play online games etc?

It sounds like DS had to choose between travelling with the two of you, or leaving his mum over Christmas. That must have been really hard for him. That's not saying your decision to go was wrong, far from it. You were travelling to see elderly relatives, and presumably a lot of the "holiday" was assisting with care etc and helping out more local family. However your DSS must have felt really torn, and as we've all mentioned, the hormones will be playing a part, probably a big part.

Despite the fact that you were nothing to do with the break-up, he may secretly believe that if you had not arrived on the scene, then his parents may have got back together. However incorrect this belief is, it is a common belief amongst children whose parents are not together.

It's lovely of you to offer to help, but he really, really needs his Dad at this point, by the sound of it, and your DH needs to support his ex, in her role as their son's mother. You describe her lifestyle as chaotic, so I presume she has quite a lot going on at present.

I also wonder if DSS would benefit from some sort of counselling/therapy at this point, to unpick his feelings about all of this?

Yabu. There is more troubling this boy, if you say his DM has a chaotic life, he was probably fearful of leaving her for the long trip.
Visiting your SM elderly relatives is not really a holiday.
He needs his dad, I hope his DM hasn't acted openly pissed off at the lack of break from the child.
Your DP needs to sort time off to spend with him, he probably won't be able too after his long break recently.

I'm not sure why you say you don't know the reason he didnt want to come away with you when you also say he blames you for his parents split, thst should give you a clue as to what is going on in his mind.

On 6/1/19 you posted about your 11 year old step son. I assume it is the same boy. You state in that post that your DSS has for some time only visited his dad when you aren't there. You call his mum "crazy". You state that you are going through the court to change access.

And you are indignant and bemused that your "help" is not being accepted? And you feel the trip to your family was refused, "for no good reason"?

I am so, so sorry for this poor child.

I said you can't reason with crazy

Never truer words spoken.

The Ex wife just wants to make demands on her Ex husband that she is still embittered towards. So it's not actual help she wants, just the Ex DH's attention.
She's using the Teen Son as emotional leverage like those sorts of people do.

What are 'those sorts of people'? We're hearing just one side of this. The boy may feel abandoned by his father, way down the list of what's important. His mother may be reacting to the boy's distress.

Do he's 11 not a young teen?

Also if he only has just started sparodically seeing his dad again it's understandable he didn't want to go and visit relatives he see's even less. Surely he'd miss his mum and if Uk is just back at school.

Never truer words spoken.

Quite

Also just incidentally which age is correct?

In defense of the OP, she may just be changing the odd detail for purposes of anonimity. The ethos of the issue remains the same.

'been with DH 10 years 1 DSS early teen.'

Or maybe Op changed this bit so it doesn't read as if her DH perhaps left his pregnant wife 🤔

Just a thought....

Assumptions are amazing.

Yes he is a young teen, I'm not going into details about age. Or roll out a huge back story every time I post.

Point is this was the conversation with the child's mother. (Plan was to see DSS this weekend coming as that is the usual pattern and DH usually works overseas)
DH's ex - assume your back now, it has been impossible while your away. You will parent full time now your back.
DH - apologies can't away with work, but on for usual arrange this week. Have communicated this with DS and he is happy. After this week I can do everything that's needed for 1 month then we can talk and reassess what's best.

DH's ex - no you must cancel work, I've had enough. 'String of abuse follows'
DH - sorry I can't get out of it. 'Easier' is more than happy to help. She is Flexi all this week and keen to see him.
DH's - that's it 'string of abuse follows' and you will see DS when I deem fit.
Blocks number .....

Or maybe it's just me ?!

Perhaps the boy was thinking that if he didn't go then his dad might at the least shorten the trip?

Of course his dad can't just cancel work, but I should imagine the poor kid is feeling pretty rejected.

Does he also know about the IVF?

I would have thought that if you are going through that it is pretty relevant.

TBH

Reading what the poor dc has been through he probably didn't want to go away with you for five weeks.

In all your other posts he's 11

So perhaps you were OW?

It doesn't sound like she is BU to me, why would dss and his mum want help from a strep parent when they can have it from an actual parent who has significantly more obligation to help anyway.

He's playing his parents off against each other deliberately. Did he give a reason for not going on holiday? His mother can't demand that now he wants his father's attention he drops everything to pander to him, at 10 he knows the need to work. I would love to know her real role in his change of heart about the holiday!

OP you've offered your help and it's been refused so back off now. Your DSS is still hostile towards you after all these years so something needs changing.
If DSS only wants to see his DF and not you then why not allow this to happen? Please encourage your DH to have a relationship with his son even if, for now, that excludes you.