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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Signs that show I might be gay?

65 replies

Stormypaige · 13/01/2019 23:07

Are there signs that other people can ‘read’ about my sexuality?

I don’t want to stereotype people who are gay, though I know it probably sounds like that, I know everyone is unique, I am just questioning my own sexuality and wondering what others can tell about me.

I completely realise there is no way to know (without asking) a man if he is gay, but there do seem to be some characteristics / behaviours /ways of presenting themselves (even really subtle things like posture) that in my experience generally indicate that he might be. Basically ‘gaydar’. Not foolproof, but it does seem to be right more often than chance.

Does this happen for women too? If so, what might be the things about a woman that could trigger your gaydar?

I’m asking because I am questioning my sexuality, which needs a whole other post to explain why, but I was wondering if I might be giving off some sort of vibes? I know it doesn’t MATTER one way or the other, but I would just really like to know.

Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CosmicComet · 14/01/2019 10:54

women unless they dress manly
It’s actually quite offensive to say I must be gay because I don’t give a shit about clothes or makeup. Dressing like a hiker or a gardener or a horse owner might just mean that you’re a hiker or a gardener or a horse owner. Not a lesbian.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/01/2019 10:58

The gaydar thing is interesting: I used to get hit on by women a lot in my youth. I was moderately girly; long hair and make up. And it even happened once when I was in a pub with my boyfriend and another guy. I'm totally straight and have never so much as kissed another woman.

My DD is gay and very, very girly. She gets hit on by lads all the time. Obviously their gaydar is not working.

RangeRider · 14/01/2019 11:06

Well you can tell some people are gay
You say that but I met a man (20s) a couple of weeks ago who I was 100% convinced was gay (a bit effeminate, just gay basically) - turns out he's married to a woman. So either my gaydar needs servicing or his wife is in for a shock in later life (I'm still convinced so I feel for his wife!!)

partinor · 14/01/2019 13:00

You can't always tell true. I once knew a straight bloke who was a bit effeminate who was totally fed up of everyone assuming he was gay.
However, amongst young lesbians, I recognise the latest fashion hair style that is usually copied from a lesbian singer or character on a programme.

Verv · 14/01/2019 13:21

No, there's no big gay-giveaway apart from an attraction to the same sex.
Sometimes if you're gay you can spot it in others with no overt signs but its definitely nothing to do with appearance.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2019 20:17

"Well you can tell some people are gay "

"What, me dear? Gay, dear. No dear" (For those who don't know it's a quote from a comedy)

HermioneWeasley · 14/01/2019 20:23

Do you masturbate ? Have sexual fantasies? Read or watch porn?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2019 20:25

"Sometimes if you're gay you can spot it in others with no overt signs but its definitely nothing to do with appearance."

What is it do with then, in your experience?

Quite a few of us have said that we sometimes can 'tell' from appearance (including voice and mannerisms).

Balaboosteh · 14/01/2019 21:05

I think the decision about your sexuality comes first and that drives the outward signs. So someone realises and embraces a particular sexual orientation and then chooses which signifiers to adopt in order to communicate their identity and attract the type of person they are looking for. What this means is, you can’t work backwards by deciding your sexuality by the signifiers. When I began expressing all sides of my own sexual identity I definitely started to more openly adopt a more gay “look” - short bleached hair and ALWAYS short fingernails!!! (Got to be ready for anything darlings).
But I get it that you are having trouble working out your sexual orientation and I would say - don’t bother. Just fuck who you want to fuck. Or try out things. Head my way - I’ll help you work out if you’re gay or not!!!
Actually, this has been something that I’ve done for at least three women. And they all decided that they were straight after that....

Balaboosteh · 14/01/2019 21:12

I wanted to say OP that I recognise myself in your post. I’m going to encourage you to be curious about yourself, try lots of things and keep going. Don’t just on the asexual bandwagon just yet. My sexuality has been a life’s work to understand. It just is that way for some people.

partinor · 14/01/2019 21:21

"Sometimes if you're gay you can spot it in others with no overt signs but its definitely nothing to do with appearance."

How someone relates to the opposite sex, especially someone attractive.

showmeshoyu · 14/01/2019 21:36

"My sexuality has been a life’s work to understand. It just is that way for some people."

I agree... it was only when I saw Les Dennis dressed as a badger on a pogo stick that parts south of the equator started an impromptu grand national.

I do know some people who have never figured it out... they masturbate but they never quite know what they really want from their sexuality.

DarthLipgloss · 14/01/2019 21:40

I am bi and look very feminine. Most people assume I'm straight. I am in a relationship with a bi man atm.
Women often flirt with me and I was once asked out on a date with a woman in front of DP.
What I'm getting at is that whatever vibe whatever I give off is nothing to do with dungarees and make up..

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2019 08:06

"I think the decision about your sexuality comes first and that drives the outward signs. So someone realises and embraces a particular sexual orientation and then chooses which signifiers to adopt in order to communicate their identity and attract the type of person they are looking for."

Definitely not the case for a friend of mine who is a butch lesbian. She looked butch while she was hiding her sexuality. Wore mannish clothes that hid her figure, walked a bit like a man, had a boyish hair cut, etc. Not something she could choose as far as I could see and she'd been a tomboy as a little girl.
Could be completely different for those who are 'naturally' more feminine.

pandechocolate · 15/01/2019 08:21

OP, you don't need to define yourself. The only way you will know if you are gay is if you are attracted to women and not men. Your clothing, hair, nails, shoes, interests, etc will not know you are gay before you do. And a lot of the time it's completely unrelated.

I know a few people that are gay that choose to look very butch because that is how they like to look. Some like to look very feminine. How you look is literally about how you like to look, not to do with your sexuality!

We live in a day and age where your sexuality can be as flexible, non-flexible, existent or non-existent as you want it to. Don't rush in to deciding things about yourself.

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