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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Signs that show I might be gay?

65 replies

Stormypaige · 13/01/2019 23:07

Are there signs that other people can ‘read’ about my sexuality?

I don’t want to stereotype people who are gay, though I know it probably sounds like that, I know everyone is unique, I am just questioning my own sexuality and wondering what others can tell about me.

I completely realise there is no way to know (without asking) a man if he is gay, but there do seem to be some characteristics / behaviours /ways of presenting themselves (even really subtle things like posture) that in my experience generally indicate that he might be. Basically ‘gaydar’. Not foolproof, but it does seem to be right more often than chance.

Does this happen for women too? If so, what might be the things about a woman that could trigger your gaydar?

I’m asking because I am questioning my sexuality, which needs a whole other post to explain why, but I was wondering if I might be giving off some sort of vibes? I know it doesn’t MATTER one way or the other, but I would just really like to know.

Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TooGood2BeFalse · 14/01/2019 00:05

My sister loves pink clothes, has perfect nails, wears makeup and is extremely feminine.She has been married to her wife for nearly 5 years Grin

showmeshoyu · 14/01/2019 00:06

I agree with PP... it's a little unusual not to know what you're attracted to, even if that might mean 30% men 70% women or somewhere on a scale. Maybe your pondering over asexuality aren't far from the truth. Or maybe you've not found somebody you really like. I know a woman who is unbelievably odd about attraction. She's heterosexual but only fancies about one in a thousand men. Her urges are otherwise not very strong, but that one time she fell for somebody, she was quite sure what she was into.

I do have short fingernails
Lots of women I know do... hetero, lesbian and bi.

Even trying to talk about it and the people I know makes me think how subtle and complex it can be. Good luck OP!

Original poster
Stormypaige · 14/01/2019 00:08

I am 21. I don’t think I have ever really fancied anyone. I haven’t had a sexual or romantic relationship.

I have felt generally turned on, but it’s never been specifically about a person, just a mood I suppose. I’ve kissed lads on a night out, because it was the thing to do, I didn’t really fancy them or want to go home with them. I just liked that they made me feel attractive.

I have never looked at a man or a woman and thought I would like to get into bed with them.

I have had celebrity crushes on men and women both, in the sense that I just admire them a lot. And I’ve had ‘crushes’ on older women but I think that’s just because I’m after a mother figure. Not sexual at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormypaige · 14/01/2019 00:11

Thank you everyone for your replies. It’s very helpful x

OP posts:
WeMarchOn · 14/01/2019 00:14

@showmeshoyu Autistic and not asexual 🙋🏻‍♀️

Sparklesocks · 14/01/2019 00:16

I wouldn’t force it OP, you’re still young and it’s ok not to have all the answers now. Maybe you are asexual, maybe you’re only attracted to a handful of people and they’re hard to come by, maybe you’re just not ready for dating/relationships yet - it’s all OK. Just don’t be pushed into anything you’re uncomfortable doing, or live your life a certain way because you feel other people are judging you - take your time, don’t force anything.

Lonelyheart2020 · 14/01/2019 00:17

I fancy men and women .. prefer sex with a women .... in a relationship and love a man.
I have been darker confused since about 11 though 🤷‍♀️

WelcomeToGreenvale · 14/01/2019 00:19

If you think you might be asexual you might want to look into the community - many, many people are ace and also experience romantic feelings, be that hetero, homo, biromantic. The community separates romantic attraction and sexual attraction, because sometimes the two are extremely separate.

I am bisexual and I think I present as straight because that's the default. I wish that wasn't the case because certainly in myself I skew more 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale.

showmeshoyu · 14/01/2019 00:21

Autistic and not asexual

Sorry, I worded that badly, I know two who are asexual (one of whom possibly may just be incredibly selective, the other by her own admission just has nothing going on in the sexy department) and two who are fluid in their sexuality (one of whom is married in a heterosexual relationship).

It was an observation, unsure if it means much/anything!

explodingkitten · 14/01/2019 00:34

The gaydar thing is interesting though. I'm a straight woman. My gaydar for men is really good, my gaydar for women hardly works. I've always wondered if it was because I'm interested in men so need to feel when it's hopeless?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2019 00:47

"My friend suggested I might be gay but repressing it. "

This is just a thing that some people say to inexperienced or celibate people i.e. if she's never seen you with a boyfriend, she suggests you're gay. There may not be any other reason for it. Or you could just ask her f there's a particular reason she asked.

slashlover · 14/01/2019 02:00

OP - Your sexuality is not about who fancies you or what you wear, it's about who you are attracted to.

In the asexual community there is romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I'm aromantic asexual which means I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't want sex. I've always felt this way.

You can be aromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic etc. which is who you would like to date and be in a relationship with.

Asexual, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual etc, which is who you want to have sex with.

So you can be a heteroromantic asexual etc. which you means you want a boyfriend but not necessarily to sleep with them. There is a wide range from people who want no sexual contact, through people who like cuddling and/or kissing through to asexuals who can and do have sex with a partner.

You're 21 and people will say that you're too young but I knew at that age. I would say that it's fine to call yourself asexual but sexuality is fluid and there may be some girl or guy in the future so don't be rigid and unwilling to change.

www.asexuality.org may be helpful but don't feel the need to label yourself immediately, find one which you feel most comfortable but as time goes by you might find a different one which suits you better and that's fine.

GrandmaJane · 14/01/2019 02:09

Women check my shoes - I wear men’s shoes.
I’m not a lesbian but apparently my footwear is.
OP, you just haven’t found your tribe. Follow your bliss. Do what makes you happy. People will come to you.

CatchingBabies · 14/01/2019 02:47

You’re being very stereotypical

I wear dresses and skirts, am very girly, long hair, make up, jewellery etc. I have short nails due to my job but out of work they are usually painted. I wouldn’t be seen dead in a checked shirt.

I’m also gay and have been happily married to my wife for over 10 years.

Butteredghost · 14/01/2019 03:48

At first I was going to say YADBU but I thinking about it your question isn't so silly. Many times (but far from all the time) you can tell a man is gay from his mannerisms, the way he talks and looks (not just clothing). But I've never noticed that with women. I suppose there is a stereotype about the way butch lesbians dress. But no identifiable traits really. I'm not a scientist but I wonder if this could be related to some difference in what makes men gay what makes women gay - could it be a different gene for example.

But that's not really your question. Things like short fingernails and lack of make up definitely aren't a sign - most women have both these.

Why define yourself? Your generation is probably the best yet at foregoing labels and that's a good thing. Keep an open mind and see what happens.

partinor · 14/01/2019 03:52

Trust me, gaydar works with women as well if you know what to look for.

But OP take your time. There is no need to rush into labels.

Canibuildasnowman · 14/01/2019 07:35

You’re young, you’ll find someone really attractive and then will know... don’t rush it

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2019 08:01

"I suppose there is a stereotype about the way butch lesbians dress. But no identifiable traits really. I'm not a scientist but I wonder if this could be related to some difference in what makes men gay what makes women gay - could it be a different gene for example. "

I don't really agree that there are no identifiable traits - there are sometimes. I won't go into what I think they are, as I'll just be told off for being 'stereotypical'.
With Sandy Toksvig, for example, most people would be able to make a pretty good guess that she was gay, even if it wasn't common knowledge. Works in the same way as with Graham Norton.

Trills · 14/01/2019 08:07

My friend suggested I might be gay but repressing it.

Sexual and romantic attraction is seen as such a big and important part of life that it's not that surprising that your friend would rather speculate that you are suppressing something, rather than accept your own assessment of how you feel and what you think.

It's not surprising, but it is sad. I hope your friends can learn to believe you when you say how you feel.

You are the one who know what you are thinking and feeling.

RangeRider · 14/01/2019 08:47

Strangely enough, I know four women who fit your description, all autistic and their sexuality is either not there (asexual) or in some way unconventional.
Autistic & asexual lesbian here Grin
But check shirts - that's definitely a sign. All self-respecting lesbians own them!

CosmicComet · 14/01/2019 08:54

I was raised by an ex-army dad and spent my weekends at TA Cadets. I look like Charlie Dimmock - messy unstyled hair and no makeup, broken nails with dirt underneath, I live in jeans and baggy jumpers, and I like anything outdoorsy. I’m also not gay.

DH is a clean freak who collects vintage teacups and teaches ballet to kids on a Saturday. Also not gay.

You can’t judge people on stereotypes.

Bellasorellaa · 14/01/2019 08:59

Well you can tell some people are gay
I walked into my beauty shop and the guy I never met before I knew he was gay then he told me as he went on about his partner

Some people you cannot tell mostly I will say with women unless they dress manly but with men it is usually very obvious

Anyway back to your question I don’t really get how you are saying you must know you’re gay if you like same sex it isn’t rocket science

SaulGood · 14/01/2019 09:12

I can probably spot if a woman is gay with a 90% success rate. It isn't what they wear or how they dress, though there are styles which some gay women adopt I suppose. My SIL is a typical "butch" lesbian. Her wife is assumed to be straight by everybody. I still have a disconnect where she is concerned. She says everybody is taken aback but then said she had no idea herself until she was 30. She was straight in her own mind.

People assume I'm a gay vegetarian btw. I'm neither. When questioned, nobody can tell me why.

Butteredghost · 14/01/2019 10:43

I don't really agree that there are no identifiable traits

This is true, but I feel like it's more identifiable in men. But maybe my gaydar is on the fritz.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 14/01/2019 10:53

I am bisexual, I’m happily married to my husband but generally more attracted to women physically if I had to be honest . Everyone is different, don’t stress too much. Good luck

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