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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this doesn’t demonstrate that he still wants me.

76 replies

datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:05

In a nutshell, I was dumped by someone that I was absolutely crazy about end of last year. His reasons were fair, I was recently separated, still spending lots of time with exDH (we get on well).

The guy who dumped me and I had known each other for years and I had been aware that he fancied me for a long time, and when I separated from my DH he was kind and supportive. Within about 2 months kissed me and we began spending more and more time together. Things escalated and it was a whirlwind romance - all good.

He became increasingly frustrated that I was still spending lots of time with Ex-DH (nice guy, DC together etc). And the guy that dumped me became increasingly withdrawn. Told me that he wants to wait longer until I’m ‘more’ available but was clear that he saw us as a long-term option. I absolutely accepted this, I’m not keen on drama and I’m not going to beg someone to want me. So that was it, over!

Occasional chatting texts, sometimes texts about how he feels about me, saying he loves me etc. Not initiating any meet-ups etc, so along the lines of what a shame, bad timing for etc.

Roll to yesterday. He sent me the most awful text as I had visited friends in the town where he lives for a few days and had a great time. I didn’t contact him as we’re not together etc. He’s said that he’s angry, disappointed etc that I did see him or tell him that I was in town?? Shock

Was IBU not to call him and more than that, am I right in thinking that this doesn’t indicate that he still wants me (but rather that he’s not as nice as I thought he was)?

Any opinions greatly received, I have no idea about dating!

OP posts:
BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 17:11

He wants you to prove to him that he is central in your world.

Nothing you do will be enough.

If you spent a few hours with him he would have wanted a night, if you spent a night he would have wanted the weekend.

I would just cut him out, you're never going to live up to the fantasy he has in his head because he liked you for so long.

MatildaTheCat · 13/01/2019 17:12

It really sounds as if he was willing to wait for you and you were in agreement So gave him hope. The fact that you didn’t contact him wasn’t wrong but I can see he could be very hurt if he has feelings for you and hopes you have a future?

Not knowing the wording of his text we can’t gauge if he’s nasty or just hurt. If you really do think you might like to get back together at some point then communicate with him if you don’t and are still hanging out with your nice ex then tell him clearly and don’t keep him hanging on.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 17:15

Clearly he was hoping you were as into him as he was you and that if you were there for a few days, as you were still in contact you'd have made some time to see him and let him know. So I think the fact you didn't speaks volumes, to him and to me.

You didn't do wrong, but he's hurt as the truth has just dawned on him it wasn't bad timing, you just aren't interested.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/01/2019 17:16

I think he's either in or he's out. Not fair to dump you but still expect you to consider what he wants while getting on with your own life.
I'd tell him he either accepts you as you are, including the amicable relationship you have with the father of your children or he buggers off for good.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 17:16

Why do you spend so much time with your ex? Why did you split? You seem much more positive about your ex than this guy. Are you hoping to get back with your ex husband?

Original poster
datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:32

To the person who said that I’m not interested in the guy, that absolutely isn’t true, at all. I would love to be with him, but I can’t make him in-dump me.

I was with my ex-dh for two decades. He’s wonderful but I’m not in love with him, I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I don’t want to get back together with my ex, I really don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:33

*un-dump me.

I didn’t contact him as he hasn’t initiated any catch-ups, at all since he ended things. I just assumed he wouldn’t really want to see me as if he did, he would’ve asked me meet up?

OP posts:
calmsealife · 13/01/2019 17:37

In what sense are you spending lots of time with your ex? Examples?

QueenofallIsee · 13/01/2019 17:37

I think you dodged a bullet personally OP, the ex boyfriend dumped you in a effort to get you to give him his own way re your ex, he messages you to tell you he has feelings because he wants you to ask him to come back - basically, he wants you to want him more and you not thinking of him in his home town has wounded his pride. If you got back with him, I reckon he’d turn into someone who wanted to have a right of veto on what you do.

Original poster
datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:40

Calm, he pops over most data for the DC and he’ll stay for food, we do things as a family, like day trips etc. I can see why it would be frustrating for him.

Queen, that’s what I’m thinking!

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/01/2019 17:51

It's the ideal divorce situation that you have - not in love but not hating each other, so you can still be a family for your kids. This is the best result for them. Don't let anyone immature boyfriend ruin that for your children.

Original poster
datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 18:06

Iwanna, that’s how I feel and of course I’d like to be in a relationship and feel loved, romantically, I wouldn’t want to prioritise that over my family.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 18:09

I don't know. If your ex is coming back for food etc and you're still for all intents and purposes acting like you're married then I think you may struggle to meet someone else. You were also happy to forego this relationship rather than change your set up with your ex.

It really depends if you wish to meet someone else. But most people, Male or female would struggle with your ex being there so often

NotStayingIn · 13/01/2019 18:16

I would be very wary of this guy. By the sounds of it you have a healthy positive relationship with your ex. That's a good thing and any new bloke worth keeping should appreciate this as a positive. The fact that this guy is threatened by it speaks volumes. If you are ready to date maybe try and focus on something new, you've had a great relationship before, don't settle for anything less. Good luck!

PikaPikaTink · 13/01/2019 19:43

I think he sounds a bit weird. Surely his pride should have stopped him contacting you even if he was hurt. However, I think a lot people wouod be put off by someone prioritising time with their ex over time with them.

Original poster
datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 21:05

Pika, I agree. I definitely wouldn’t have contacted him if roles were reversed Blush

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/01/2019 21:18

I think it depends on the wording of the text. He can be angry and disappointed and it's OK to express this and maybe he just really would have liked to see you. If he was nasty or exaggerated or called you names or it came across as his pride was hurt more than anything else, then I'd steer clear

CottonTailRabbit · 13/01/2019 21:31

Don't even respond. Well, if you have to, then go with one word "Nice" or "Bye".

ThanosSavedMe · 13/01/2019 21:35

Lucky escape if you ask me.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 22:16

That's a good thing and any new bloke worth keeping should appreciate this as a positive

I think many people of either gender would struggle with the ops relationship with her ex, and she will ultimately remain single because of it or at least until her ex starts with someone else and he pulls back from it to prioritise the new woman,

I'm sorry op.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/01/2019 10:18

He can't dump you and then get pissed off that you don't contact him. He does presumably know what breaking up means?

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 10:26

I’d like to be in a relationship and feel loved, romantically, I wouldn’t want to prioritise that over my family

Your ex is not your family. He is your children's dad. Your family are your children. Of course it's good that he is still closely involved with the children, but it all sounds far too much to my mind. And potentially confusing for the children.

I can see why the relationship with the new guy faltered, I don't think many people would cope with that, but his text sounds out of order. I think he was hoping that you'd come round to seeing things more his way and spend less time with the ex and you've proved that's non-negotiable. Hence the text outburst.

SnowsInWater · 14/01/2019 10:33

If he can't understand why you need to remain friendly with your ex for the sake of the kids tbh I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him. I have seen way too many women (professionally) end up desperately trying to juggle pleasing a jealous new partner and the needs of their children. He clearly isn't a grown up - for the sake of your kids find someone who understands your situation and applauds you for how well you are managing it rather than a man child going "what about me".

tiggerkid · 14/01/2019 10:39

Seems like some miscommunication to me. It feels like you think nothing is going on between you at all while he thinks he is waiting until you become more available as you put it. Perhaps worth having a chat to clear the air once and for all. Just tell him you'd like some clarity as to whether he wants the relationship or not and if the answer is "not", then you both move on?

gamerwidow · 14/01/2019 10:43

He is not as nice as you thought he was 100%
You don’t owe anyone your time especially not a man who you are not even in a relationship with.
This jealously over you spending time with your ex or your other friends is a massive red flag.
Consider this a lucky escape.

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