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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this doesn’t demonstrate that he still wants me.

76 replies

datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:05

In a nutshell, I was dumped by someone that I was absolutely crazy about end of last year. His reasons were fair, I was recently separated, still spending lots of time with exDH (we get on well).

The guy who dumped me and I had known each other for years and I had been aware that he fancied me for a long time, and when I separated from my DH he was kind and supportive. Within about 2 months kissed me and we began spending more and more time together. Things escalated and it was a whirlwind romance - all good.

He became increasingly frustrated that I was still spending lots of time with Ex-DH (nice guy, DC together etc). And the guy that dumped me became increasingly withdrawn. Told me that he wants to wait longer until I’m ‘more’ available but was clear that he saw us as a long-term option. I absolutely accepted this, I’m not keen on drama and I’m not going to beg someone to want me. So that was it, over!

Occasional chatting texts, sometimes texts about how he feels about me, saying he loves me etc. Not initiating any meet-ups etc, so along the lines of what a shame, bad timing for etc.

Roll to yesterday. He sent me the most awful text as I had visited friends in the town where he lives for a few days and had a great time. I didn’t contact him as we’re not together etc. He’s said that he’s angry, disappointed etc that I did see him or tell him that I was in town??

Was IBU not to call him and more than that, am I right in thinking that this doesn’t indicate that he still wants me (but rather that he’s not as nice as I thought he was)?

Any opinions greatly received, I have no idea about dating!

OP posts:

Julietee · 14/01/2019 12:02

I just wanted to mention that I’m also separated but still living with my ex...I have a lovely relationship with a guy who gets it. You’ll find someone who isn’t insecure.

Sethis · 14/01/2019 12:03

Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is still hanging around with their ex.

As usual we only get one side of the story here. If this new partner made an account and posted his perspective on what the OP does with her Ex and how much time and attention she is giving him vs the new boyfriend, then we might see a different picture.

From what the OP has said, I think the new boyfriend has a valid point. If your marriage is over, then it's over. You share the childcare, but you don't do things "as a family" any more. That ended when the marriage did.

By all means, you can both go to see the school play and your kids performing in it, but that doesn't mean you should be having cosy family meals together just like you used to do. You shouldn't be going on day trips together, because that means you may as well still be married. The only difference is that the husband and wife are living in different houses.

You can't possibly expect to be able to welcome someone new into your life unless you create an actual gap for them to fill. Why aren't you taking your new partner on day trips? Why aren't you having dinner with him?

So yeah, in his situation I'd be pretty pissed off as well. You're not behaving like someone who's divorced. You're behaving like a married couple who just happen not to live together.

That said, your new partner doesn't seem to be communicating that well, but we're not all great communicators, you know? He might not be phrasing things well, but it's clear he's crazy about you and wants to be with you. If you want to be with him, then regardless of how clumsy he's been in expressing the sentiment, you need to get your ex-H out of your life, to make some kind of space for this new partner to fit in. Alternatively, make the conscious decision that you're happy with a fuck-buddy but you're happy to keep being a family unit with your Ex-H. Either way, ball's in your court, not his.

Grimbles · 14/01/2019 12:12

However, I doubt anyone would be happy if someone they wanted a relationship with was so involved with their ex to the extent the OP is. She's clearly not ready to move on and this guy has emotions the same as anyone else does

They are not together.

He didn't like the level of contact she had with the ex so he ended it.

He has no right to castigate her for anything she does from that point on, regardless of what he actually wanted to happen!

What if she meets someone else, would it be OK for him to send nasty messages because he still wants a relationship with her?

Grimbles · 14/01/2019 12:13

@sethis.

They aren't in a relationship.

ladycarlotta · 14/01/2019 12:15

I don't see why. The other way of looking at is it that you will always be a family with your ex, because of the children you share.

My parents separated acrimoniously, and my siblings and I were stuck in the middle being the moderators. They'd never be in the same room as one another and events that should be happy like graduation, weddings etc have been absolute hell to negotiate. I have always been envious of my friends whose parents were able to amicably co-parent, including days out and family dinners where it mattered. Just because a couple aren't in love any more doesn't mean they can't be friendly - friends even - or committed to the family unit they created. I wouldn't wish a tug-of-love like I have with my parents on anybody.

ladycarlotta · 14/01/2019 12:17

(I appreciate that this might be hard for a new partner to get on board with, but it's up to them to decide if they can suck it up, not for the parent to do any more than reasonably compromise. At this stage the rship just isn't about only two people, as much as they might want it to be.)

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 12:18

@ladycarlotta I have always been envious of my friends whose parents were able to amicably co-parent, including days out and family dinners where it mattered

Again, I agree with this. The important words are "where it mattered". Almost daily is probably not "where it mattered".

I still maintain this could seriously confuse the children.

KC225 · 14/01/2019 12:19

Maybe the new guy is hooked on the drama and longing side of relationships. You say he fancied you for ages, but when you got together he then dumped you saying that you spent too much time with your ex and he wanted you when you were more available. One first glance, it seems as if he is hinting there could be a future but on his terms. It seems as if he still had feelinhs and is thinking about you but its all a bit juvenile - he ended for what you were doing, and now he is cross for what you are not doing despite you not being together.

ohnonotyetplease · 14/01/2019 12:23

His behaviour is what counts. Emotionally intelligent people feel their feelings freely but choose the right thing to do. Having a go at you was not the right thing to do even if he was hurt. Entering into a serious relationship with an emotionally unintelligent person isn't a great plan. However I can imagine anyone being a bit annoyed or envious or uncomfortable about you spending lots of time with your ex....!

Seaweed42 · 14/01/2019 12:24

This guy doesn't want you. But he doesn't want anyone else having you either. It's a red flag. He's controlling you. The old 'I'm so disappointed'. The only aim of that is to punish you and make you feel like a bad person. He's a controlling type, so he couldn't bear your DH having control over you. If he has no kids of his own, he won't be able to tolerate your kids controlling you either. He'd be fine when the kids are with your DH but otherwise, nope, he'd be giving you the silent treatment or sulking or 'withdrawn' as you politely put it.
Sending someone a narky and emotionally manipulative text says that's the sort of person he is. He is sort of person who would send texts like that. Expect that if you ever did go back out with him.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 12:27

so he couldn't bear your DH having control over you

No one should have control over the OP. Except the OP.

If he has no kids of his own, he won't be able to tolerate your kids controlling you either

And you know this how?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2019 12:57

I think you're best off without him.

A friend of mine has separated from her DH as they have no romantic love for each other at all - they're like brother and sister - but still very good friends. They still live in the same house because of finances, although separate rooms. She started seeing someone, and he coped for a while but got increasingly frustrated with the exH being around (father of their 4 children etc), and lost the plot when my friend watched a movie in the ex's room with the ex. He knew the situation, he knew there would be nothing in it, but he couldn't handle the bond between them.
They split up - and while it's not the same as your situation, because there isn't the intensity of feeling (she's not fussed about his stupid jealousy) - it does suggest that this man is always going to have a "thing" about your exH and you're probably better to forget about him and move on. Insecurity is not an attractive trait in an adult.

OopsInamechangedagain · 14/01/2019 13:04

When I first met DH he had a nesting access arrangement in the old family home and he would still go on family days out with his ex and DC (they were definitely already separated - she had left him and I'd met and chatted to her soon after meeting DH). I was fine with their arrangement and was included in family occasions such as the DCs birthdays - however as time progressed and we became serious (as did ex and her new DP) we all naturally pulled back and started creating our own new family units. It gave the DCs time to gradually get used to their new family set up and they were as ok as they could be with it.

I think OP if you're going to carry on as you are with your Ex then it's all well and good but I don't think you're in a position to offer anyone a serious relationship with you yet. You can be perfectly amicable with your ex without him staying for food most days.

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/01/2019 13:07

I'm struggling to see how anyone can defend his behaviour. They had split up, he had dumped her - the reasons for the dumping don't matter, HE dumped HER. And then he gets shitty about her not contacting him to meet up? I don't think so. I think you've dodged a bullet here.

Him breaking up with her in the first place sounds like he was trying to emotionally manipulate her to me. I bet he thought that she'd instantly give up seeing her ex as much.

He's the one mucking her around imo. He dumped her and yet still texts saying that he loves her? He obviously doesn't though does he, he dumped her. OP says herself that she was crazy about him, but that wasn't good enough for him was it?

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 13:09

I'm struggling to see how anyone can defend his behaviour

I'm struggling to see where anyone had defended his behaviour. People have said they could potentially understand what the reason behind it was, but no one has defended what he actually did.

Darkbendis · 14/01/2019 13:16

I can see the reason why the new boyfriend dumped you. Fair enough. However, once he has dumped you, he really shouldn't expect you to keep him updated with your moves, where you are, who you socialize with, and moreover he's not in the position to get upset you don't see him when you are in his area. You two are no longer an item and he was the one who did the dumping . So yeah, red flag from my point of view, and yeah, you dodged a bullet.

importantkath · 14/01/2019 13:19

He sounds very mixed up. I am teetering between a) run far, far away and b) this guy has unresolved feelings for you and that he hasn't communicated his needs or wishes with you correctly.

In your shoes, I would politely but very firmly explain to him that you don't owe anyone an explanation, you have done nothing wrong and I wouldn't invite further discussion on that. You draw the line.

I would ask him as well what it is that he wants from you, bearing in mind he ended your relationship.

Then, and only then, armed with that information, I would decide what to do next.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/01/2019 13:29

He sounds like a fucking baby tbh.

Clearly he doesn’t have children, as if DH and I split I would hope we could have a good relationship. If he can’t see that your priorities as a mother and keeping stability for your kids override his feelings about your ex then I say you’re well rid tbh.

He was right to split from you as he recognised he couldn’t cope, he’s out of order to expect you to make time for him purely because you’re in the same city.

Limensoda · 14/01/2019 13:54

I'm struggling to see how anyone can defend his behaviour

I'm not defending his behaviour but I'm not that impressed with OP's either.
If OP thinks she will ever have a successful new relationship whilst she chooses to see her ex all the time she's living in cloud cuckoo land.
This guy may not be right for her but she needs to rethink her on going close relationship with her ex. It's not just staying friendly, it's too much!

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/01/2019 14:23

Maybe defend was the wrong thing to say then Shatners. I'm struggling to see why anyone would think this guy has a valid point - is probably better.

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 14:48

If OP thinks she will ever have a successful new relationship whilst she chooses to see her ex all the time she's living in cloud cuckoo land

I think she’s perfectly sensible. Just clearly this chap isn’t right for her, that doesn’t mean every bloke will feel so threatened.

BlingLoving · 14/01/2019 14:54

That said, your new partner doesn't seem to be communicating that well, but we're not all great communicators, you know? But he's not her partner? He dumped her.

Honestly, the issue with you and your ex is irrelevant. Whether or not you're spending too much time with exdh doesn't matter, because for him, you were. as a result, he ended the relationship. So he doesn't now get to complain because you aren't arranging to meet up with him when you're in town. Clearly he's thinking that you've been sitting around pining for him, perhaps hoping that you'll change the way you interact with your ex. And clearly that hasn't happened. So the reasons he dumped you still apply and he's an idiot for thinking he now gets to give you a hard time because you didn't see him while in town.

Pissedoffdotcom · 14/01/2019 15:31

Find a bloke who is a lot more secure & a lot less jealous!

Limensoda · 14/01/2019 16:27

I think she’s perfectly sensible. Just clearly this chap isn’t right for her, that doesn’t mean every bloke will feel so threatened

He may not be right for her but I doubt any bloke would be happy with their partner spending almost as much time with an ex as she did before they split up. It's not about feeling threatened so much as not being a complete mug!
Show me any woman who would be happy with that situation if her partner did the same.

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 17:07

Show me any woman who would be happy with that situation if her partner did the same

My ex’s wife

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