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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this doesn’t demonstrate that he still wants me.

76 replies

datingconfusion · 13/01/2019 17:05

In a nutshell, I was dumped by someone that I was absolutely crazy about end of last year. His reasons were fair, I was recently separated, still spending lots of time with exDH (we get on well).

The guy who dumped me and I had known each other for years and I had been aware that he fancied me for a long time, and when I separated from my DH he was kind and supportive. Within about 2 months kissed me and we began spending more and more time together. Things escalated and it was a whirlwind romance - all good.

He became increasingly frustrated that I was still spending lots of time with Ex-DH (nice guy, DC together etc). And the guy that dumped me became increasingly withdrawn. Told me that he wants to wait longer until I’m ‘more’ available but was clear that he saw us as a long-term option. I absolutely accepted this, I’m not keen on drama and I’m not going to beg someone to want me. So that was it, over!

Occasional chatting texts, sometimes texts about how he feels about me, saying he loves me etc. Not initiating any meet-ups etc, so along the lines of what a shame, bad timing for etc.

Roll to yesterday. He sent me the most awful text as I had visited friends in the town where he lives for a few days and had a great time. I didn’t contact him as we’re not together etc. He’s said that he’s angry, disappointed etc that I did see him or tell him that I was in town?? Shock

Was IBU not to call him and more than that, am I right in thinking that this doesn’t indicate that he still wants me (but rather that he’s not as nice as I thought he was)?

Any opinions greatly received, I have no idea about dating!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 10:48

@SnowsInWater I agree with you saying this: If he can't understand why you need to remain friendly with your ex for the sake of the kids tbh I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him but there's friendly and then there's behaving as if you're almost still a family. The ex pops in "most days", "stays for food", do "day trips all together".

I think there is a sensible balance to be struck so that everyone moves on appropriately - including the children - and I'm not sure this is the right balance.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 14/01/2019 10:52

If he can't cope with the fact that you have other priorities (and a past) then he needs to walk away and let go.

I'd hazard that underneath the nice-guy hat he's probably a little controlling because, really, you owe him nothing at this point and he's behaving as though you do. Bullet dodged.

PositiveVibez · 14/01/2019 10:54

Another one who thinks you have dodged a bullet. Seems like you would constantly have to prove yourself to him.

Limensoda · 14/01/2019 10:58

If this was a man spending so much time with his ex, people would think it unfair on a new girlfriend.
You can't have a new close relationship and yet spend so much time with your ex however nice he is.
I'm not saying this guy you've been seeing is being ok in his attitude or the way he's handling it but I don't blame him being upset with you.

Pissedoffdotcom · 14/01/2019 11:04

Another one saying you dodged a bullet. I'd much rather my partner was on friendly terms with their ex for the sake of the kids. There's nothing about your set up that would bother me....there are a LOT of things about the other guy tho!

LowbrowVictoriana · 14/01/2019 11:05

He dumps you, then complains that you don’t ask to see him when you’re in his area? How ridiculous. Sounds like he’d be a real PITA if you were to get together again properly. I’d avoid.

cuddlymunchkin · 14/01/2019 11:10

You haven't moved on from your ex - seeing him every day? Sharing meals? Why not just move back in together and don't mess with anyone else?

Basically with this set up there's no room for a partner because you're to all intents and purposes with the first one.

I feel sorry for the ex boyfriend being messed around by you - you don't have the space for him in your life and won't make space for him - let him go, stop dangling him like a puppet.

SuchAToDo · 14/01/2019 11:15

Op i think you have had a lucky escape.

Let's look at the facts,

You knew the guy for years before you dated him....meaning that he knew your ex husband was a part of your kids life, you didn't spring it on him...he knew about it and was still happy enough to date you, so he has no right to complain about it once he was dating you...that is your kids father, he is always going to be part of your family because you share kids together..

The whole sending awful texts to you because you visited the town he lives in and didn't tell him...that smacks of possessiveness...you aren't even dating him, he dumped you, so why should you have to report your whereabouts to him whether you are in his town or anywhere else...you are not in a relationship, you should be free to travel as you please without having to notify him...the text message is damn weird, you aren't dating , he dumped you why should he get to make demands...tell him to fuck off

Also the whole him dumping you...but saying he will date you when you are more available...that's scumbag speak for keeping you hanging on hoping he will take you back while leaving him free to shag around...the only way you will be free in his eyes is either when you kids are 18 and adults and no longer have their dad popping by, or most likely he's probably expecting you to stop their dad seeing them as much, basically wants you to fuck up your kids relationship with their dad so he can feel secure as a man...the prick

He knew you for years before you dated, he knew the situation with your ex and that he was part of the kids life...he shouldn't get to dictate anything about your kids and ex (you have a dream situation where you both get along amicably for your kids...why should you give it up for an Insecure possessive little prick...

My advice, stay separated from him...when.he comes running don't take him back, try and find someone better who will respect you and your kids and who.will understand and not mind that your ex-husband will always be part of the kids lives

Grimbles · 14/01/2019 11:15

If this was a man spending so much time with his ex, people would think it unfair on a new girlfriend.
You can't have a new close relationship and yet spend so much time with your ex however nice he is.
I'm not saying this guy you've been seeing is being ok in his attitude or the way he's handling it but I don't blame him being upset with you

Which would be fair enough if the OP and this guy were still seeing each other, but they're not.

He has no right to get stroppy when the woman he dumped doesn't contact him or make arrangements to see him!

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 11:18

You can't have a new close relationship and yet spend so much time with your ex however nice he is

You really can. Ex-H and I spend time together as friends. He is happily married. She doesn’t have an issue.

OP - you did nothing wrong. He can’t expect to dump you and then you to keep him appraised of your movements!

user1474894224 · 14/01/2019 11:19

Actually I think you and your ex are doing the right thing for the kids sake. It is possible to stay friendly. As long as you and he -ex h- would both be comfortable with a new partner coming along (at the right time) on the family day trips and being there for food etc. If this works for your family - and ex h is still part of the family....then don't let a new boyfriend change that dynamic. The right partner will slot in. Which is a long way of me saying....you were not unreasonable to not call the ex boyfriend. He dumped you....he can't expect you to wait till he's ready to be in your life. He sounds jealous and not able to deal with your dynamic. Just leave well alone.

Grimbles · 14/01/2019 11:23

I feel sorry for the ex boyfriend being messed around by you - you don't have the space for him in your life and won't make space for him - let him go, stop dangling him like a puppet

How on earth is he being dangled like a puppet? Hmm

He dumped her, he is getting stroppy because she isn't setting up dates with him - the very opposite of messing him around!

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 11:26

@JacquesHammer Ex-H and I spend time together as friends

I don't think that is necessarily an issue. It's the amount of time. How many times a week do you see your Ex-H and how many day trips a year do you go on with him?

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 11:29

How many times a week do you see your Ex-H and how many day trips a year do you go on with him?

No idea. Peaks and troughs as he sometimes works away in amongst his contact. Sometimes loads, then nothing for a few weeks.

Sometimes his wife is present, sometimes me and her see each other without him.

Saying “it doesn’t work” is too simplistic. For some people it very much works.

Birdsgottafly · 14/01/2019 11:32

He was in the mindset that you'd go back to your ex. The way you speak about him, sort of indicates that.

So he ends it, because he doesn't want to be played.

You don't get back to him to indicate that you'd want a relationship with him. Which is what he was waiting for.

If the sexes were reversed, he'd be told that he was making it a bit easy and too casual, so is bound to be walked over

Has he been a friend to you or not? Because it seems unclear how you view him.

You've, essentially, dumped him from your life.

Birdsgottafly · 14/01/2019 11:34

Have you really emotionally detached from your ex?

At the moment you're having the nice part of a relationship with him.

This is what can make children hate a new Partner, they think Mum&Dad are getting back together.

There should be some separation of lives.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 11:37

@JacquesHammer So not almost every day then, clearly? I think your situation is a bit different to the OPs. I agree, exes can be friends and if there are children involved then that's even better, but seeing your ex on an almost daily basis like this is far, far, far from the normal.

LowbrowVictoriana · 14/01/2019 11:39

All those fixated on OPs relationship with her ex - that’s a red herring and irrelevant.
This guy dumped her. He finished their relationship. Then he goes and gets angry that she doesn’t chase him when she happens to be close to where he lives? It’s totally unreasonable of him to behave like this. He’s just got the hump that she’s not chasing him.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2019 11:42

You really can. Ex-H and I spend time together as friends

So you have just him to dinner most days, he stays, you go on day trips without her? He puts you above his new wife and makes sure she knows you are his priority?

If this isn't what you do, then your situation isn't comparable. The op has openly agreed with this guy she's not available, and she won't prioritise any new man over time with her ex basically. Most people would struggle with this.

If this was a woman posting that her new boyfriend was doing this, the overwhelming response would be ltb, he has not moved on from his ex.

As a pp said, there is friendly and there is doing everything but share the same bed. I sadly predict the op will be very hurt when a new woman comes on the scene for the ex that he is serious about.

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 11:42

So not almost every day then, clearly?

You see the bit that says peaks and troughs....?

Sometimes every day, yes.

but seeing your ex on an almost daily basis like this is far, far, far from the normal

Which isn’t another description for “cannot possibly work”.

IME people are utterly terrified of “not the norm”. Whereas I think it’s much more liberating Grin

JacquesHammer · 14/01/2019 11:44

So you have just him to dinner most days, he stays, you go on day trips without her?

Sometimes yes.

He puts you above his new wife and makes sure she knows you are his priority?

Not at all. They do stuff together, they both have friends they see without the other. A hierarchy of “he puts you above her” is nonsense really.

But then I don’t think we (when we were a couple) not they have totally intertwined lives.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 11:45

@Lowbrow If it's the reason the guy called off the relationship in the first place then it's relevant. I'm not saying his most recent response is reasonable but it's clear that he hoped that she might perhaps give some thought to whether she is spending too much time with her ex and perhaps reconsider that and then consider perhaps trying to date this guy again. She hasn't done that, he hoped she would, he lashed out. Wrong, of course. But I can see WHY.

Limensoda · 14/01/2019 11:48

He has no right to get stroppy when the woman he dumped doesn't contact him or make arrangements to see him!

I did say his attitude and the way he's handling it is not ok!
However, I doubt anyone would be happy if someone they wanted a relationship with was so involved with their ex to the extent the OP is. She's clearly not ready to move on and this guy has emotions the same as anyone else does.
Whilst this guy is not dealing with it very well, the OPs attitude is not ideal.

Missingstreetlife · 14/01/2019 11:58

Boundaries! None anywhere.
I think you could still make a go of it with your ex. Sounds great.

Subtlecheese · 14/01/2019 12:02

It sounds like he thinks he's good enough to centre your whole life around. Which is, to me, a red flag.
I would keep things cool and distant. As he sounds potentially suffocating.
But then some couples do have to be everything to each other, what do you want?