To feel uncomfortable with this?

[Writingtrash]

For background: attended Friend A's event with mutual Friend B, event was held at Friend A's parent's house, lovely big place, lots of family and friends, huge buffet.

Friend A has a nine year old DD. A's brother is quite a bit younger than her, mid twenties. He's very energetic. I don't know how else to put it?! He wouldn't leave the DD alone, teasing her verbally, this then escalated into putting his foot out to trip her, chasing her etc. At one point he actually had her on the floor, "just messing about" but essentially wrestling. She was on her back, he was sitting on her, arms pinned, and was going "try to get up, go on, try to get up". His parents and older relatives were smiling indulgently, and Friend A looked a bit awkward but said nothing. The little girl was saying 'ow, you're hurting my wrists" which made him lean down harder and tickle her with the other hand. She started to do that laughing crying thing, he finally let her up, and you could see she was upset and holding back tears. He started mocking her as being a cry baby, her grandmother then said "oh, she's just so oversensitive" and comments were made on how she was an only child, unused to ordinary rough and tumble. The little girl had a book with her, she kept trying to retreat into a corner to read, but was repeatedly hauled out by her uncle, and then was scolded by her mother and grandmother for being rude, and not engaging with people.

At one point I went to the bathroom, and the poor little thing was hiding in a sort of alcove off the hall, with her book. I told her I wouldn't tell she came back down eventually, and there was more goading and teasing, reducing her to tears, whereupon she was told again that she was spoilt and touchy.

There were two other children at the event, one older and one younger, belonging to Friend A's other older brother, and they didn't get any of this.

This is absolutely nuts, isn't it? A grown man wrestling a young girl down to the floor and sitting on her while other adults look on, saying nothing? I was completely shocked and discussed it on the way home with Friend B, who thinks that it's a bit weird but normal in the context of some large rowdy families. I'm an only child and I have two children myself, and we are all quiet and introverted, so maybe she has a point, but AIBU to think this child is being bullied by her uncle while her family watch? If a grown man tripped my daughter up, wrestled her to the floor, then sat on her, he'd be exiting the building on stumps.

This is upsetting. It's probably because she is seen as different to the rest of them that she is getting picked on. I feel so sorry for her. There is some good advice on here. Somebody needs to do something to help her. It doesn't sound like her mother is going to do anything to stop it.

I'm so glad you are going to do something about this OP. That child is being totally let down by her family.

I think that is dreadful and when I feel that way I always say something.

Just say something rather than go away and pop it on mumsnet. You know what happened and how you felt it is up to you to stand up and be counted at the time. Next time say something

I think it's terrible that her mum didn't say anything, nor her grandma other than nasty comments putting her down - the poor kid having to hide away to be left alone is terrible.

Just reread your post OP. What did friend B think of the situation? Would she be prepared to stand up for the child too?

This thread makes me sick to my stomach.

OP, I get that sometimes when everyone is acting like things are perfectly normal it can cause you to doubt your gut feeling that things are wrong. You've done a sanity check here and we're all telling you you were right to be uncomfortable/ shocked/ angry at how that child was treated.

Please say something to her mother. The mother needs to protect her kid, and to do that she needs help to see that the treatment of her daughter is really wrong.

On another note - you say you said you "wouldn't tell" when she was hiding away for a bit of peace and quiet. I'd avoid using secretive language like this, particularly with a child who is being maltreated. Encourage open communication.

I fully agree that you have to take this forwards to help the girl. Like many , I was physically and mentally bullied like this my my brother and his friend and feeling helpless, being mocked for ‘being soft’. Am convinced it impacted on my self esteem and relationships even now, over 40 years later. Please don’t let this girl have a damaged life.

And that’s how I used be sexually abused in the same room as my family as a little girl. Play fights and verbal ‘teasing’ so that when everyone stopped paying attention because they thought I was over reacting because I was also an ‘only child unused to roughhousing’, used to turn into sexual touching.

I would go nuts if anyone deliberately held my daughter down against her will, under the guise of ‘playfighting’ and then belittled her. Maybe you should talk to your friend about how uncomfortable it made you. Some people need to see that their families behaviour isn’t always normal as they think it is.

Wow seeing all the posters who have been affected by this kind of behaviour. Lots of great advice op. This cannot be ignored, if itcmadebyiu uncomfortable, think how it made that poor vulnerable girl. It seems that because she is shy an introverted , they pick on her, and use it to his advantage of her not speaking up or fighting back. If this goes on in the open; think of what goes on behind closed doors.

I'd call friend for a chat and say something like "is DD ok after the other day? She seemed really upset by the way her uncle was behaving to her
"I'd he always that way? It made me really uncomfortable. I can't imagine how DD must have felt"

You will need to take a deep breath, but absolutely do say something

i would have a firm word with friend A

Please report to the NSPCC ASAP.

imm really concerned.what if this doesn't go anywhere.
how can we as a collective now sit back.times moves on.threads move on knowing this is happening to a young girl.we all now know and what if something isn't done.
we move on?
will she?

I had an uncle like this as a child. I am NC now, and have been since I was 18. It can be really damaging, and I vividly remember the feeling of humiliation. However, I don’t know how I would have felt if someone had reported it to my school. It wouldn’t have been believed and it would have made the situation worse. This is not me trying to dissuade you from reporting it in any way. My mother still doesn’t get why I refuse to see him, despite being told repeatedly she just cannot/will not get why I’m so angry.

Yeah, even if you talk to Mum, I'd still warn school to keep an eye on the child. They've maybe picked up on things too. Chances are Mum has been conditioned to allow it and can't see it isn't normal either. She might not feel able to speak up. I've worked in schools with vulnerable children and families and we always would try to work with the family...often the parents are just as vulnerable as the kids.

You can talk to NSPCC too, before you speak to your friend for more advice. It might make you feel a bit more empowered.

I had to seek advice from NSPCC recently though and the first young man I spoke to really poo pooed my concerns (around a sex offender I seen in a local am-dram production of Annie!). He kept saying the original victim was 16 so not a child! She'd gave birth to his child at 16 when he was 40. I insisted I spoke to another person and got his supervisor who agreed this was very concerning and contacted police and the theatre safeguarding officer straight away. Don't be scared to ask for another volunteer's opinion if the first person you speak to is inexperienced.

That's making me feel stressed just reading that. I would be crying if someone did that to me and I'm a 30 year old woman!

He sounds awful and I can't believe her family stood around and let him get away with it. Please report it to someone OP.

Any update, OP??

Icky

Hi, I’d go with Foodylicious’s suggested wording. Centre the child who is the subject - partly because that’s the right thing to do, partly because it’s less confrontational.
If your friend is dismissive ‘oh, she’s fine’, you can say ‘Are you sure? Because she didn’t seem ok, and that kind of behaviour can have a really bad impact’ and tell some of pp’s stories.

I'd call your friend and tell her it kept you awake as it was all a bit OTT and really doesn't reflect that no means no mentality - the brother was completely hideous and the family supporting him - honestly, zero sense of trying to support a female child to be able to grow up and tell people no and expect it to be respected

OP the only problem with telling your friend is she's not blind,she knows what was going on and she just sat back and let it carry on,she could have been brain washed/groomed into thinking this is normal and she either won't thank you or she'll agree with what you've said but never find the courage that she needs to stand up for her DD.

Please report it,like I said before you can report it to SS or the NSPCC she doesn't have to know it was you and she'll have no way of knowing it was you being as they don't hide this awful behaviour.

Please step in and save that little girl,I was someone that was continuously abused by a family friend and looking back it must have been obvious but no one helped me!

A friend of mine from secondary school had the same her step brother acted just like your friends brother and he ended up rapeing my poor friend!

Please speak up for that poor little girl so she doesn't have to grow up carrying around the invisible scars that are left with you when you've been abused as a child!