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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable with this?

96 replies

Writingtrash · 13/01/2019 16:56

For background: attended Friend A's event with mutual Friend B, event was held at Friend A's parent's house, lovely big place, lots of family and friends, huge buffet.

Friend A has a nine year old DD. A's brother is quite a bit younger than her, mid twenties. He's very energetic. I don't know how else to put it?! He wouldn't leave the DD alone, teasing her verbally, this then escalated into putting his foot out to trip her, chasing her etc. At one point he actually had her on the floor, "just messing about" but essentially wrestling. She was on her back, he was sitting on her, arms pinned, and was going "try to get up, go on, try to get up". His parents and older relatives were smiling indulgently, and Friend A looked a bit awkward but said nothing. The little girl was saying 'ow, you're hurting my wrists" which made him lean down harder and tickle her with the other hand. She started to do that laughing crying thing, he finally let her up, and you could see she was upset and holding back tears. He started mocking her as being a cry baby, her grandmother then said "oh, she's just so oversensitive" and comments were made on how she was an only child, unused to ordinary rough and tumble. The little girl had a book with her, she kept trying to retreat into a corner to read, but was repeatedly hauled out by her uncle, and then was scolded by her mother and grandmother for being rude, and not engaging with people.

At one point I went to the bathroom, and the poor little thing was hiding in a sort of alcove off the hall, with her book. I told her I wouldn't tell Grin she came back down eventually, and there was more goading and teasing, reducing her to tears, whereupon she was told again that she was spoilt and touchy.

There were two other children at the event, one older and one younger, belonging to Friend A's other older brother, and they didn't get any of this.

This is absolutely nuts, isn't it? A grown man wrestling a young girl down to the floor and sitting on her while other adults look on, saying nothing? I was completely shocked and discussed it on the way home with Friend B, who thinks that it's a bit weird but normal in the context of some large rowdy families. I'm an only child and I have two children myself, and we are all quiet and introverted, so maybe she has a point, but AIBU to think this child is being bullied by her uncle while her family watch? If a grown man tripped my daughter up, wrestled her to the floor, then sat on her, he'd be exiting the building on stumps.

OP posts:
itstheweekend · 13/01/2019 17:48

That is so not normal, and jack shit to do with large families. Yes you get some ribbing and more noise in larger families, but this is abnormal behaviour, the poor girl. Ditch the friend and report the abuse.

Maelstrop · 13/01/2019 17:51

Horrific behaviour. I could no way have let that carry on. Honestly, I'd be raising this with your friend. That poor little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 17:51

Very inappropriate and a form of bullying, the uncle using his power and strength on a little girl. I would have said something like " that's enough now, she does not like it", I could not stand there and watch that.

IdleBetty · 13/01/2019 17:52

You should have said something to Friend A.
At least it might help her realise this is not normal behaviour.

MitziK · 13/01/2019 17:53

I'm sorry, I'd be wondering exactly where his hands go on her when he's doing that without an audience.

I'd report it without hesitation.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 17:54

A grown man sitting on a 9 year old child, wtaf! I just could not have watched that and not say anything.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 17:55

As brother sounds like a nasty bully,

Claudia1980 · 13/01/2019 17:57

It sounds like grooming behaviour. I’d report it and also talk to your friend.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 13/01/2019 17:57

I have a 9yo, in that situation I would say to her pointedly "You can say I've had enough if you're not enjoying it". I have said that to one or both of my girls in the past when my Dad has been drunk over exuberant. A may need to learn a strategy like this.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2019 17:58

Why the bloody hell didn't you speak up ? Confused

masterandmargarita · 13/01/2019 17:59

That's Awful and bordering on sexual abuse. I would have said something like get off her you big bully

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 18:00

The fact he only picked on her, and not the other children, speaks volumes, he was bullying, and humiliating her, and the rest of the people were laughing and and ribbing that poor girl Sad.

ShadyLady53 · 13/01/2019 18:01

Ugh, YANBU but I wish you'd done or said something. My brother was like this with me alongside his wife (20 year age gap) and it really messed me up like previous posters experienced. To this day, I'll never forget how much like an outsider I felt in my own family, how no one took my side or intervened and how I was blamed and ignored. It made me terrified of men and like that little girl, I just learned to run away and hide with a book. It's still my default now. My brother was a spoiled, selfish bully and he's raised his kids to not be very nice either.

That poor, poor kid. If I could go back and swoop in and save myself I could. Maybe you could help this little girl? Sometimes it just takes one person to stand up and say "this isn't on. Leave her alone, you bully.". I always felt like there was something inherently wrong with me because no one defended me, they just laughed or turned a blind eye. She needs to know its not her fault and she's not always going to be a victim.

Writingtrash · 13/01/2019 18:04

Because I have terrible social anxiety, I didn't know half of these people or their family dynamic, and the child's mother and father were both there and apparently fine with it, and I was frankly doubting myself - like I said, I'm an only child, I'm also from a tiny family, no real experience of big extended families, and I don't trust my own judgement. I very much doubt many of you would have opened your mouths under those circumstances either, fucking hell

OP posts:
LovingLola · 13/01/2019 18:05

That child is being targeted and exploited by a predator. I would be pretty sure that there is some sexual motivation going on here.
Have you heard of the saying ‘hiding in full view’.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 18:07

I personally would have, once I saw the girl in tears, I could not just let that go on, but I am a gobby outspoken git.

Obsidian77 · 13/01/2019 18:10

I would call the safeguarding lead at the girl's school.

StarrySky7 · 13/01/2019 18:10

Some families do playfight but this is really over-the-top, weird and sending a damaging message to this girl.

It sounds like the uncle hasn't grown up. This seems like the behaviour of a child or teenager. And making her cry? Wtf.

If I were you, I would drop a comment to your friend (the girl's mum) about how you thought her brother was a bit over the top and upset her daughter. The mum needs to stop him treating her daughter like she's a possession.

Drum2018 · 13/01/2019 18:12

Something needs to be done if the entire family think this was ok. Not sure how you would approach it as if you say it to friend A she may well turn on you. It's really disgusting behaviour and very intimidating for a child, especially when their thick fucker parents stand by and watch without putting a stop to it. That poor child has nobody to open up to as they all think she's been too sensitive. What a shower of assholes her family are.

treaclesoda · 13/01/2019 18:14

When I was this age my much older sister, in her 20s, had a boyfriend who did this sort of thing on me. There was nothing sexual in it, he didn't touch me inappropriately, but he was a nasty bully. When my parents were out of sight he did exactly that sort of thing. Pinned me down until I was struggling to breathe, twisted my arms behind my back until I was howling with pain. Then when I made enough noise to bring my mum to investigate, he played innocent and my sister backed him up, so it was two against one, and my mum would end up punishing me for being too rowdy.

I bloody wish my sister had been strong enough to speak up, but she was besotted with him. I have suffered from long term injuries which I am almost certain can be traced back to the way he twisted my joints.

Please speak up and do something. Poor girl.

AloneLonelyLoner · 13/01/2019 18:14

This is FUCKING APPALLING. And by allowing it to happen, bystanders are guilty too. I don’t give. A flying fuck about nerves, anxiety, social culture etc, this needs to be called out. She is being abused, taught that her opinion is unimportant and taught that no one will help. it’s fucking outrageous. I’m disgusted. No amount of worry should stop a person intervening. I feel sick about this.

Writingtrash · 13/01/2019 18:14

The other children were a boy and a girl, but very different "types" to friend's DD. I can't pretend I know them well at all, but from what I can see, the whole family is, frankly, loud and boisterous by my standards, and I don't know how to phrase this without sounding snobby, they're very well to do and all about having the best of brands, but I don't think they are the sort to value education or reading. Friend is quite different from the rest of her family, and her daughter even more so, and I think the difference marks her out. She is a quiet child, whereas the other two I could imagine shouting at the uncle to go away.

I'll probably see my friend over the next week or two, so I'll speak to her then. Any ideas on what to say?

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 13/01/2019 18:15

Bloody day something RIGHT NOW!!

Sorry to be ranting but it’s just so shit.

honeyrider · 13/01/2019 18:15

That child is being targeted and exploited by a predator. I would be pretty sure that there is some sexual motivation going on here.
Have you heard of the saying ‘hiding in full view’.

I agree with this. Most child abuse goes on within families and those close to a family. I've done a number of child protection courses over the years and I'd be extremely concerned for this young girl.

I'm also from a big family and a lot of my friends are from big families and what OP has described is not normal behaviour. I've also got sons in their 20's and they don't carry on like this because it's not normal behaviour.

I'm in Ireland and adults are now legally obliged to report this sort of abuse.

AloneLonelyLoner · 13/01/2019 18:16

They’re not ‘well-to-do’ if they don’t value education etc. They just have money in the bank. They sound like a bunch of arseholes. Say it for what it is. What you saw was abusive and disturbing.