My adult stepson is causing arguements

[pissedofftoday]

He's 23. Lived with us 18 months.
I've argued with his dad for 12 months of it over him.

He just leaves mess every fucking where he goes. I know that's probably normal for a lad his age.

But I am house proud it's taken me a lot to get where I am in a house that's mine and I love. I decorated, plastered, painted, everything myself. From scratch.

I tell him and he just smiles and nods then doesn't tidy up what I've asked. His dad is getting fed up of me moaning about it.

He needs to move out doesn't he. I don't care either way, we get on great 90% of the time me but this mess is giving me the rage.

All I say is, bring your rubbish down daily. Same with cutlery and plates etc etc.
Wash and dry and put away whatever you use.

That's it.

Me and his dad sort everything else.

He earns well above for his age. But he's very immature. With money mostly.

I do take keep and I put it in a savings account. For him. Because he saves nothing.

Does anyone have any advice.

I can't ignore the mess. It's my office (his bedroom) and there is nowhere else for it to go/him sleep.

You seem to be fond of your stepson and a loving stepmum, so to all intents and purposes it's irrelevant that he's your stepson. This is just about an adult child taking the piss at home.

Obviously it needs you and his dad to lay down the law a bit. Reminding him why things fell apart at his mum's etc. It's telling that you're already anticipating that he would fall behind on rent in his own place, and that you his dad "would end up paying it". If everyone continues to infantilise him, then it's no wonder really that he continues to act like a child.

I don't think that stretches to kicking him out purely based on his age, though. Yes, plenty of people lived independently at 23 (myself included), but it's still quite young.

However assuming he stays, I still think you're making your life difficult for yourself by attempting to continue sharing your office space with him.

If his room is bigger and can accommodate a bedroom and office - why not swap until you move?

Three things jump out to me really.

1. There clearly isn't/wasn't enough room in your home for DP and DSS so why did you agree to it? Where did they live before? My partner moved in first. He would have done it for me and his son is lovely and I therefore did it for him. My dp has done a lot for my family and I also felt somewhat obliged.

1. Some people are unutterably messy. My adult DS is. I don't think he will ever change. No point in going on about it really. His lovely new flat looks like a crime scene but it honestly doesn't bother him. This is my step son

1. Do you have something set up legally to protect you (so far as anyone can, nothing is watertight)beyond marriage with regards to your home? No way would I be getting married in your position...

Yes it's all done

Elvis.

I do have a great relationship with him.
He's immature.hes not perfect.

But he's mine as in he's mine as in he's family. I love him.

But never tried to be his mum. Not do i want to be.

I don't want to kick him out and I wouldn't.

We have a three bed terrace. All three are doubles. Ours is slightly bigger but they way it's been built he has the best room.

I will talk to him tonight or tomorrow

Thank you lovely ladies xxx

"We have a three bed terrace. All three are doubles. Ours is slightly bigger but they way it's been built he has the best room."

Assuming there's another child in the third room?

If stepson's room can function as a double bedroom and office - why don't you swap?

Yes there's another child in the other room.

We've tried to fit all stuff in all other rooms. Nothing fits.

We need to move

In two years we will be able to move

Fair enough, OP. Just doesn't seem sustainable to me.

He moved in with me we are not married but will be soon.

You are crazy. Marry this man and lose your house as he will be able to claim half of it.

Whoever you inherited it off they would hate to see this scenario.

Like someone upthread said - something about you being a domestic servant to them.

Why are you putting your own security below a manchild's inability to respect your house?

I'd be giving him is marching orders in a reasonable fashion to move out. You would do him a great life lesson in growing up.

Then, without him taking up all the mental and emotional energy in the house, you could actually find out if you really want to get married when it's just the two of you.

I second the shed in the garden
here I don't know how up to date it is but you don't need to spend thousands.

When we marry, I stand to inherit a lot more than I have now. On his family not mine.
I'm not worried about inheritance or who owns what. So long as I have my house, I'm happy.

She's in the garden though. I'm defined looking into that regardless.

A garden office is a good idea. I didn't think if that. Any recommendations? Xx

We had ours made for us (cheaply with LOTS of insulation) so no recommendation unfortunately. But my DP uses one as we only have a small flat & it's a life saver..

If he did move out do not bail him out if he messes up his rent or it will never end and you will be his cash cow forever. He is a bloody adult who needs to stop acting like a teenager.

You said earlier that house would become half your future husband's then later said it's protected? I hope you do have something in place or you and your own children could end up screwed over in the future.

Use some of his dig money towards your shed office

having lived with people like this it is most stressful and draining. I'm laughing at all the people telling the op to relax, if you lived with somebody who refuses to clean after themselves you wouldn't like it. I suggest you use his money he pays for keep to hire a cleaner.