My adult stepson is causing arguements

[pissedofftoday]

He's 23. Lived with us 18 months.
I've argued with his dad for 12 months of it over him.

He just leaves mess every fucking where he goes. I know that's probably normal for a lad his age.

But I am house proud it's taken me a lot to get where I am in a house that's mine and I love. I decorated, plastered, painted, everything myself. From scratch.

I tell him and he just smiles and nods then doesn't tidy up what I've asked. His dad is getting fed up of me moaning about it.

He needs to move out doesn't he. I don't care either way, we get on great 90% of the time me but this mess is giving me the rage.

All I say is, bring your rubbish down daily. Same with cutlery and plates etc etc.
Wash and dry and put away whatever you use.

That's it.

Me and his dad sort everything else.

He earns well above for his age. But he's very immature. With money mostly.

I do take keep and I put it in a savings account. For him. Because he saves nothing.

Does anyone have any advice.

I can't ignore the mess. It's my office (his bedroom) and there is nowhere else for it to go/him sleep.

He just likes living with us. We like him living here. Except this.

It goes on deaf ears.

but he's your husband's child and you've already agreed to him living with you.
No he's her husbands son, he's 23 not a child. A lot of us were working with a mortgage and children by 23. He's already been kicked out by his own mother for the same behaviour. He has a job, money but a disinclination to either follow the rules or to move out and look after himself.
His father works away a lot and it seems to me the women here are having to deal with this young man and the father should be stepping up and sorting him out.

I always remember the op whose step kids slept on the landing and I was horrified

This is the opposite. I want more space for him. We have nine for now.

He's a messy twat but I love him. How can I get him to tidy and see his mess

"It's a desk printer scanner landline phone.

I skype for work I need to be in an office setting.

It won't fit in our bedroom. Or the living room or the kitchen.
Pepos pig won't give the right environment and we don't have a conservatory."

Can't you swap rooms?

It's all very well DP saying he is stuck in the middle but he isn't offering to tidy up after his son is he?

Does DP do any tidying? Or are you housemaid to both these adult males?

His father has offered to tell him to leave. I don't think it's the solution.

We will end up paying the rent, he will prob not manage well.

He may well resent me when it's his dad telling him to leave.

He will be lonely.

Well both just worry about him.

I can't get beyond "a house that's mine". Your house, your rules.

No he stands over him and makes him do it which isn't great for any of us.

Seriously, if it is YOUR house you don't need to justify your requirements to anyone else. End of.

It will become half my partners when we Marry.

That's the law?

He’s a fucking GROWN UP.
Ffs

So your DP would rather his son leave than tidy up after him or support him in becoming tidier?

Sorry Year I took that the wrong way

Name change? Your still you going to get the same answer as last time

I don’t think you will change him. My adult sons are both untidy but luckily they don’t live here now. They just do not donstuff as they go along which I assume you do? I’m tidy and naturally quite organised, they, not so much.

I think since this won’t be forever, and you are miserable about it, probably need to try to stop getting so wound up. As suggested a couple of boxes to put his stuff into will contain his mess. I do end up clearing up after mine and not saying much because it’s easier and causes less friction- but it’s for short periods.

Try to relax a bit more, make him welcome and get your DH to do his fair share of clearing up too. The work probably only actually takes a couple of minutes, in the long term a good relationship with your DSS and him remembering that you made him welcome and part of the family is more valuable than forcing him to wipe the kitchen worktop.

If I specifically ask someone to do a task such as taking out the bin I do expect it done though so I’m not advocating becoming a doormat.

It will become half my partners when we Marry.

I think there are ways to protect(ish) again that.

I will be looking into it if I ever find a victim willing to marry me.

DD is teenager, sat beside me and says she just doesn't think.
That it is not too hurt me, or be mean, just thoughtless.
Maybe you can sit down with him and talk in a pub, remind him he is an adult, that how he is will mean woman don't like it, and his relationships will fail due to it.
Ask him if he enjoys the arguments and atmosphere in the house, as he is causing it. No one else.

Bertie

I havent posted about this before but if you think the answer will help then tell me.

By all means ask the moderators or report me if you think I'm name changing over a list for different responses. I assure you I'm not.

Three things jump out to me really.

1. There clearly isn't/wasn't enough room in your home for DP and DSS so why did you agree to it? Where did they live before?

1. Some people are unutterably messy. My adult DS is. I don't think he will ever change. No point in going on about it really. His lovely new flat looks like a crime scene but it honestly doesn't bother him.

1. Do you have something set up legally to protect you (so far as anyone can, nothing is watertight)beyond marriage with regards to your home? No way would I be getting married in your position...

I'm getting the box as suggested at the beginning of the post and I've signed up to yoga.

Fuck it. I will be pissed and bendy till he moves out.

And not make his bed. I will learn meditation. Any app recommendations?

It bothers me a bit, not enough to keep going on. Maybe losing my shit every two weeks may be a new approach.

I wouldn't marry the man and 'give' him half the house. There's already conflict. They just might shove you out the door.

Could you afford a small garden office? I think it would be sad to ask him to leave over what's pretty normal at that age. It sounds like you think a lot of each other & get on pretty well really.

When he is 45 I will show him the vids of him now. And his kids karma

A garden office is a good idea. I didn't think if that. Any recommendations? Xx