My adult stepson is causing arguements

[pissedofftoday]

He's 23. Lived with us 18 months.
I've argued with his dad for 12 months of it over him.

He just leaves mess every fucking where he goes. I know that's probably normal for a lad his age.

But I am house proud it's taken me a lot to get where I am in a house that's mine and I love. I decorated, plastered, painted, everything myself. From scratch.

I tell him and he just smiles and nods then doesn't tidy up what I've asked. His dad is getting fed up of me moaning about it.

He needs to move out doesn't he. I don't care either way, we get on great 90% of the time me but this mess is giving me the rage.

All I say is, bring your rubbish down daily. Same with cutlery and plates etc etc.
Wash and dry and put away whatever you use.

That's it.

Me and his dad sort everything else.

He earns well above for his age. But he's very immature. With money mostly.

I do take keep and I put it in a savings account. For him. Because he saves nothing.

Does anyone have any advice.

I can't ignore the mess. It's my office (his bedroom) and there is nowhere else for it to go/him sleep.

Use part of his keep for a cleaner. Don’t save it for him

If I didn't save it he'd never fucking move out lol I'd be on here saying "my 33 year old man child step son ...."

Tell him new rule. No food upstairs...
Repeat, tell partner he must back you up.

Why doesn’t the son want to move out? If he is earning well surely he could afford a place of his own?

I wouldn't be happy about it especially as it is your own house that you work hard to keep clean and presentable.
The lad has no respect.

Once he finally leaves make sure the room is adapted so there is no going back as a bedroom.
His dad should be backing you up. Does he have respect for your home?

Sorry I am a bit confused and there are so many similarities with a recent thread.

You live in a house owned by you which you inherited. You share this home with a man and his adult son. Is the man your husband? Did you live together before? Or did he move into this house?

Do you have DC of your own?

As this is your home I would be quite happy to say either DSS tidies after himself or ships out. Why is it causing arguments? If DP/DH thinks it's acceptable he can do the tidying up instead? Who cares so long as it's done and OP doesn't have to do it. Just say what you have said here - it's your office and you need it to be tidy.

It’s your house. His dad is taking the piss out of you siding with him and showing you very little respect over this. You do have the option to tell them to both go.

I think you need to leave his room well alone. What he does in there is up to him. It’s not up to you to dictate when he makes his bed.

We had ds with us until 24, and still have dss hanging around some of the time at 28.

I never ever go in their rooms, and whilst they leave crap laying around,so does everyone else to be fair. It’s their hone, they don’t have to perform like a dog to make it perfect.

Any shit like letters,bags etc l just dump in their rooms. They are both polite and lovely, and delightful to have around even if they do leave shit lying around.

Aaaah just read the bit about the office. Yes he does absolutely need to sort that!

He likes living here I suppose.

We all get on ok other than this

I've just read that other thread people thought was me. I knew it wasn't as I hadn't posted about it before but it's deffo not me!

Why doesn't he move out? Are you married to his dad?

At 23 I was married! I hadn't lived at home since I was 18. It's not normal tbh to be like that. He needs to sort himself out.
It's nice that your saving what he gives you as you can afford to do so.

Sorry I am a bit confused and there are so many similarities with a recent thread. - it's not the same thread I'm a different poster

You live in a house owned by you which you inherited. You share this home with a man and his adult son. Is the man your husband? Did you live together before? Or did he move into this house?
He moved in with me we are not married but will be soon.

Do you have DC of your own? Yes

As this is your home I would be quite happy to say either DSS tidies after himself or ships out. Why is it causing arguments? If DP/DH thinks it's acceptable he can do the tidying up instead? Who cares so long as it's done and OP doesn't have to do it. Just say what you have said here - it's your office and you need it to be tidy. Because I moan about it then partner tells SS he sometimes listens then when I mention he hasn't tidied up after himself again my partner gets pissed off at me going on and at SS not being tidy. He feels stuck in the middle.

It's my office, it's not ideal. It is shat it is in a small house. He can afford to live on his own I don't think he wants to or feels ready

What not shat ffs

In general, I think he needs to be respectful and considerate. It's reasonable to not want dirty plates etc in his room, but if he doesn't want to make his bed I think you need to choose your battles.

However, something about this jars. If this is a permanent arrangement and he's living with you (for 18 months), why on earth are you using his room as your office during the day?! That makes no sense and impedes significantly on his privacy.

Surely you can find somewhere else in your house to work?

I can't. We can't afford to move at the moment.

If I could move my office elsewhere in the house I would by there is no space. I'd of moved it the day he moved in if it were possible.

It's a permanent arrangement because he's close family. I couldn't and wouldn't say no. But I just want him to fucking tidy up!

So many questions....

Does he have plans to leave, or does he think this arrangement is for the foreseeable?

How does he come to be living with you? Yes I appreciate that he's your DP's son and needs somewhere to call home, but were you actually asked? Or were you railroaded into it?

Is his dad paying you anything towards his keep, or are you paying everything? Does your DP consider the house his (DP's) home?

The answers will, I think, shape the responses.

The bed I get, I make that if it's not made. I hoover when I'm hoovering

So many questions....

Does he have plans to leave, or does he think this arrangement is for the foreseeable? FOR THE FORSEEABLE AT LEAST FOR THE NEXT 12 MONTHS

How does he come to be living with you? Yes I appreciate that he's your DP's son and needs somewhere to call home, but were you actually asked? Or were you railroaded into it? HIS MUM WAS FED UP OF SIMILAR BEHAVIOUR. HES MUCH MUCH BETER THAN HE WAS

Is his dad paying you anything towards his keep, or are you paying everything? Does your DP consider the house his (DP's) home? WE SHARE BILLS DEPENDANT ON SALARY. THERE US NO ISSUE MONEYWISE

The answers will, I think, shape the responses.

I think I'd sit down with both of them and tell them that dss being here wasn't working. That unless dss grows up and tidies up after himself etc, like a normal adult, he would have to leave.

I think it's a respect thing - dss doesn't respect you enough to do it and dp doesn't respect you enough to enforce it. Do they think it's a woman's job?

No it's not that. Dp works away a lot.

He does speak/shout/enforce.

It's mostly me that gets pissed off

Exactly how much work equipment do you have in your office, that you couldn't accomodate it elsewhere?

If it's just a desk, I can't believe you couldn't come up with an alternative solution. I appreciate that giving up your office might be seen as a big sacrifice by some people, but he's your husband's child and you've already agreed to him living with you.

At present it's kind of like you've agreed to him living with you, but are determined not to compromise on your workspace and that sharing the room is causing most of the problems? I can't imagine he feels entirely welcome.

Why can't you and DH swap rooms with him?

I’m surprised that he wants to live in a room that isn’t even really his, buts an office in the day.
Does he not want to live with mates? Can you persuade him to!

It's a desk printer scanner landline phone.

I skype for work I need to be in an office setting.

It won't fit in our bedroom. Or the living room or the kitchen.
Pepos pig won't give the right environment and we don't have a conservatory.

We can't afford to move until 2021.late 2921.

If I could move it I would have. I want him to have his own space. It would cut our arguments in half.