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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept Child Support years later

99 replies

Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:12

I'd love some opinions on this please!

ExH lied to CSA/CMS for about 4 years, about his Salary. He managed to convince them, that he earned significantly less than he really did. He was earning £130k+ , but they believed he was earning £60k, then 32k, then £50k. It was a right mess, and I was flabbergasted that CSA/CMS didn't query a fluctuating salary, especially when I repeatedly told them that it was wrong, but they didn't.

I wrote to complain, and long story short, it would appear that this whole sorry mess has caught up with him, because my complaint was taken seriously. Albeit, it's actually taken them 3 years to investigate this, due to huge backlogs. Apparently the CMS can now get salary info direct from HMRC, so his lies have been revealed.

It's now 3 years since the youngest child in the case went to Uni, so there is no longer a current child support arrangement (we both send the same level of financial support to each child, even though ExH earns over £100k more than me).

The other day, I woke up to a text saying that I have a payment coming to me. Total surprise! Anyway, the CMS are now re-calculating everything and I will be getting paid the "arrears".

Should I accept this? It feels weird because, like I say, both kids are at Uni and I don't receive child support any more.

I know for a fact, that he will be seething that he has to now start paying me money, long after the kids left home, iyswim.

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 13/01/2019 12:11

Take it & put it into your pension.
I bet if he left you tight for cash then you didn't make the pension contributions that you should have over the years.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/01/2019 12:13

Take it. Put it aside for the DC.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 12:17

Take it and save it for their house deposits, it's been spent on them as it's meant to be then. They will appreciate the help to get a stable home of their own.

KnobJockey · 13/01/2019 12:21

You absolutely should do it. And I wouldnt even think about sending it to the kids- child maintenance is not money 'for the children's. Child maintenance is there to support the children. You didn't get what you should, so you supported them financially yourself, and more than likely, went without yourself to do so- maybe limited nights out, clothes for yourself, trips away, an older car. This money is YOUR money that you didn't receive then.

My ex is currently dodging- yet again. He owes about 10k at last count a year ago, and that's on wages based on 2014 as HMRC, cannot provide more recent information. They eventually will catch up with him, and I will take whatever they can get -even if it means I'm taking £5 a week from his state pension. These men have deliberately lied in order to not support their children, and left us and their children to go without. They deserve it.

pfwow · 13/01/2019 12:22

Take the money, for sure. I guess if you could have done you would have probably liked to have had some money put aside for them, if you don't want to spend it yourself, then give it to them as a graduation gift, it could be a car each or money for when they get their first place. But don't tell them it's from him, tell them it's from you!

Gumball54 · 13/01/2019 12:25

If he’s going to stop supporting them through uni then I think you need to consider what works out better - whatever he gives them for uni or the backdated child support. If the child support works out better then definitely take it, he owes you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/01/2019 12:25

You gave him an interest free loan (inadvertently), definitely have it back. I would consider drip feeding it to the children to make him pay more (perhaps if they agreed to save it). Alternatively, save it and blow it on a holiday for you and the kids.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 13/01/2019 12:29

Why wouldn't you take it. Put it in a savings account. Saying that you 'dont need it'?? What an odd AIBU

jammiedodger79 · 13/01/2019 12:30

You are owed it. 100% take it. You have paid his share in your childrens costs of living over the years and he has got away with his lying until now. You must take it. I hope i get a letter like that one day! Spend it however you please too. You already covered what he didn't pay. That money is yours.

jammiedodger79 · 13/01/2019 12:33

Plus as somebody upthread stated...its like he has taken a loan from you ....shame he doesnt have to pay interest. Please enjoy it.

StarrySky7 · 13/01/2019 12:35

Take it and save it for your children!

You might not need it now but it is rightfully theirs.

Thewifipasswordis · 13/01/2019 12:37

Yes bloody well take it

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/01/2019 12:38

Well done on getting a good outcome OP. And yes, take the money - if you dont need it, put it in a bank for the kids for later.

Esspee · 13/01/2019 12:40

I would take it and have it deposited into accounts for the children to go towards a house deposit.
Let your ex seethe as much as he likes. He deserves it.

WrongKindOfFace · 13/01/2019 12:42

Take it! You will be able to use it to support your children at uni or pay for something they need when they graduate. Or you could all go on a holiday together?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2019 12:43

Take it!

Buy booze! Enjoy music! Go to exotic places! Support a Cat's Home! Squander it on Fancy Men!

Or whatever you want to do with it - it's YOURS! By right!

This isn't a concession or a favour or something that you aren't entitled to. It's YOUR MONEY.

Take it, enjoy it. Spoil yourself, your children and your grandchildren. Let your ex seethe impotently.

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 12:45

If he pays it accept but don't count your chickens yet. Also he may then stop paying dc and that will fall to you
Put in a savings account for rainy days, think about it for a while, decide later if you want to share w dc.

BirthdayKake · 13/01/2019 12:48

Definitely take it. I'm at the beginning of this - trying to get maintenance is like getting blood from a stone, but the arrears keep building up and up. I don't think my exH has a clue that he will always owe those arrears, even when the children are 18+. And I'll always be after them! The DC could have done so much more if he wasn't such a cunt when it comes to money

Mumofaprinny · 13/01/2019 12:49

Don’t be silly, take it. Even split it and put it in an account for the Dc’s if you don’t need it urself. If I was you I would accept it and give them some money out of it and treat myself to something nice or something that u have needed, but no able to afford!🙂

ADarkandStormyKnight · 13/01/2019 12:54

You could offer a compromise that he pays it directly to the children now that they are 18+ and then you contribute less.

Cookit · 13/01/2019 13:00

It’s just like he’s under paid tax... He has to pay the backdated amount. It’s only fair.

Pinkprincess1978 · 13/01/2019 13:05

Absolutely keep it! And if he is now matching what you give your kids use it to give them more then maybe he will give your kids more? If not just keep it to help your kids more help in the future as I am sure they will need it

ShabbyNat · 13/01/2019 13:18

Of course you should accept it!!!
I bet you & the kids went without over the time he should of been paying you for the shared upbringing of your children!!

I know it feels weird now, I would find it weird too, but Id be thinking about all the things I could help my children with now, like travel, house deposits, maybe even pregnancy, all sorts of possibilities that you may struggle with, without the backdated pay!!! I really do hope you accept the backdated payments, Im sure you & your children can come to a solution of the best way to help them financially in their lives nowSmileSmileSmile

MrsTommyBanks · 13/01/2019 13:23

Take it. You had to pick up his slack all those years. He is paying you back. It's his problem he tried to swerve his responsibilities, not yours.
My exDH still owes me 2k, I've got no chance as he fucked off abroad. If I was offered it I'd take it with both hands.

glitterbiscuits · 13/01/2019 13:24

Take it.