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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept Child Support years later

99 replies

Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:12

I'd love some opinions on this please!

ExH lied to CSA/CMS for about 4 years, about his Salary. He managed to convince them, that he earned significantly less than he really did. He was earning £130k+ , but they believed he was earning £60k, then 32k, then £50k. It was a right mess, and I was flabbergasted that CSA/CMS didn't query a fluctuating salary, especially when I repeatedly told them that it was wrong, but they didn't.

I wrote to complain, and long story short, it would appear that this whole sorry mess has caught up with him, because my complaint was taken seriously. Albeit, it's actually taken them 3 years to investigate this, due to huge backlogs. Apparently the CMS can now get salary info direct from HMRC, so his lies have been revealed.

It's now 3 years since the youngest child in the case went to Uni, so there is no longer a current child support arrangement (we both send the same level of financial support to each child, even though ExH earns over £100k more than me).

The other day, I woke up to a text saying that I have a payment coming to me. Total surprise! Anyway, the CMS are now re-calculating everything and I will be getting paid the "arrears".

Should I accept this? It feels weird because, like I say, both kids are at Uni and I don't receive child support any more.

I know for a fact, that he will be seething that he has to now start paying me money, long after the kids left home, iyswim.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 13/01/2019 11:36

Take it. Even if you spent it on gin and cruises it is rightfully yours. He lied to chest his children out of maintenance when he should have been providing for them.

MadeForThis · 13/01/2019 11:37

Take it.

I imagine he will stop supporting the dc in university as retaliation.

Foslady · 13/01/2019 11:39

Another one saying take it - he knew what he was doing and the consequences on your family, it’s his turn now to go through what you did

doxxed · 13/01/2019 11:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Poppyfr33 · 13/01/2019 11:41

Take it and use it to support uni.

OhioOhioOhio · 13/01/2019 11:41

It's a debt. You accept the arrears. If i had my way hed go to jail.

kaytee87 · 13/01/2019 11:41

Take it and quietly use to fund their university. Put your own money into your pension or ISAs.

^ this

bastardkitty · 13/01/2019 11:41

Take it. Absolutely. I'm just astonished that you have been able to complain effectively and get an outcome. Unless the divorce settlement stipulates support for the children at uni, he's highly likely to stop that and blame you but I would press on regardless. What things did you all miss out on because he would not contribute the legal minimum? Try and address those things. Pension contributions? Holidays? House repairs. I am always happy when oneof these losers is made to pay arrears. As far as I am concerned it should be criminal.

Original poster
Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:42

Wow, unanimous then. Thank you all. It feels weird, because kids are no longer kids, iyswim. And he did pay support when they were kids, just not at the level that he should have been (due to his salary).

I think the CMS must be currently pursuing him for 2016, which was only a part year (as support ended in the summer of that year). If they work backwards and include other years, the amount owed will be about £10k.

We are NC (his choice), so I know that I won't have to "defend" my taking it.

I suspect he currently earns about £150k. I, on the other hand earn about £30k. But, he will not support the kids 1 penny more than I do. Which I think is kind of twattish! Plus, the reason I left him was his cheating. Aargh.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 13/01/2019 11:43

By not taking it what you are saying is
Its alright to cheat the children its alright to cheat the system..its was alright to put me through all.the stress
The right thing is to take it do what you feel fit to do with it home renovation pension top ups relaxation for the children do whatever but do the right thing which is to take it

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2019 11:45

doxxed

If he's matching what you pay, you should immediately give it to your kids so he can pay it twice. Whatever you do though, take the money!

Agree. This way he pays twice.

Original poster
Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:47

I'd say the things we missed out on the most, were holidays. He on the other hand, had new kitchen, new made to measure blinds, new cars, foreign holidays etc. Don't get me wrong, the kids have never wanted for anything really. He took them abroad. I just couldn't afford to (in the years immediately following the split). I guess if he had been paying the correct amount, we would have had holidays.

OP posts:
TwistinMyMelon · 13/01/2019 11:48

See this really boils my piss, he should be arrested for fraud now it has been proven that he deliberately lied!

Of course you should take the money, it's rightfully yours.

Original poster
Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:49

If he's matching what you pay, you should immediately give it to your kids so he can pay it twice. Whatever you do though, take the money!

He wouldn't match anything I gave to the kids as a lump sum. He matches what I send them monthly, to live on.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 13/01/2019 11:50

It's called Child Maintenance/Child Support because that's what he should have been passing over to you for their support; the fact that you battled through and survived is irrelevant; they should have the benefit of that money. They're getting it now, regardless. Your current financial needs don't come into it; you've had to make the sacrifices along the way.
Invest it, help out with university expenses, help out as they take their first steps after graduation, or as a PP said, let them have it to benefit your future grandchildren.
If they are decent kids, I'm sure they won't begrudge you splashing some of it out on yourself, in fact they'll be delighted on your behalf!

HauntedPencil · 13/01/2019 11:53

I would definitely take if. It's money you are owed fair & square.

Original poster
Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:54

See this really boils my piss, he should be arrested for fraud now it has been proven that he deliberately lied!

You should have heard the ridiculous conversations I had with the CSA. They knew for a fact that he earned £132k in 2014 (the only year they extracted his salary from HMRC), and yet he had told them he earned £32k (so they knew he lied), but, then they chose to believe him, when he told them he earned £50k in 2015. Why? Why would you believe a liar? How could you believe that someone would accept such a drastic pay cut?

Then they said they'd only believe me, if I could prove it, with documentation or a payslip. Then they said, if I did send in a payslip, they would know that I shouldn't have access to his payslips, so they wouldn't accept it as proof. Mind Fuck!

It was like banging my head against a brick wall, for years.

I would advise anyone else in this predicament to write to the Independent Case Examiner, which is what I did.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 13/01/2019 12:01

take it, if you dont want it, set it aside for the kids, will make a nice first flatting/rental situation easier or perhaps a good car deposit or the start of savings for a house of their own, or even a decent family holiday over seas for you all

FrenchyQ · 13/01/2019 12:02

Definitely take the money.....My ex OH is still paying off his arrears even tho my daughter is now almost 20, we don't need the money but that was money he should have been paying for his daughter (he avoided paying for 9 years as got paid cash in hand)

SonEtLumiere · 13/01/2019 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yulebealrite · 13/01/2019 12:04

Take it and use it on some nice holidays and other things that you missed out on when the kids were young. Either with the kids or without.

Alternatively save it and give it to the kids towards a house deposit or something.

Definitely take it though.

Kitkatbar2018 · 13/01/2019 12:04

I really don’t get why some parents try to duck out of paying for their kids - he will only match you wtf - they are HIS kids - take that money as everyone else has said - you would only be taking money that is actually yours!! Then treat yourself for the fact that your kids have at least one parent who genuinely loves them, has stuck by them and got them to today!!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/01/2019 12:04

Take it. Open a new account and put it aside for the proverbial rainy day. You can always give it your children when house buying or having children if you never need it.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 13/01/2019 12:07

Take it! Then give it to your kids monthly and let him match it!

Or even take it and take your kids on holiday with it!!

SD1978 · 13/01/2019 12:10

I'd also say take it- however. If he's as much of an arse as your post states (not doubting that he is) will he also therefore stop supporting the child at uni. Because he 'can't afford it now' he's 'supporting' you? Would this equate to less or more in the long run for your child? Can you support them on your own if he makes a big deal out of this? Of course you should have it- you were entitled to it for years, and he deliberately left you and his children short out of spite. My concern would be what he would do now out of that same spite. If nothing, then save it somewhere for your children if you don't want it, but don't let him continue to wriggle out of something any half decent parent would choose to provide

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