Does DH have OTT expectations of DC or AIBU?

[sanitychecker]

If you have DC between the ages of 8 and 15 and adult visitors arrive (our friends, not theirs), would you expect them to immediately turn off the TV or Nintendo Switch when we look into the games room and stand up to engage / shake hands with everyone? DH has just banned one of ours from the Switch now because he did not do this instantly yesterday evening. I said to DH that, although I’m not excusing bad manners, most people don’t really expect such formality and even the babysitter thinks it’s a bit OTT when she comes. DH says I should not be undermining him and has now gone off on his bike in a huff, leaving a bad atmosphere. WIBU?

It’s a bit Captain Von Trapp, maybe he could try a whistle?

In that situation I’d expect my kids to acknowledge and say hello on arrival, then wind up what they’re doing and come and join soonish after. I wouldn’t expect hand shaking - I don’t shake hands with friends and family, and I’d think it odd (in a quaint but repressive sort of way) if a child did it to me.

He sounds OTT and from another era.

Saying hello, quick chat - all fine and i would expect children to acknowledge a guest, smile say Hi especially if they know the guests well.
A handshake for people you know well, who have come round for dinner is actually an innappropriate greeting - it is too formal for the occasion. I shake hands with people I am meeting for the first time in a formal setting. In a non formal setting I greet with ' hi/hello and chat, or with friends and family a hug or kiss (wouldn't expect kids to kiss if they didn;t want to though). If my friends children came over to shake my hand when I went round I'd think it was very odd. 'Hi Kurri' is fine.

When your children have friends over does your DH stop what he is doing and shake hands with them ? (I suspect the answer may be yes and I suspect visiting kids think he is odd) He needs to revise what is an appropriate greeting because I'd say he has got it wrong.

Captain Von Trap raised well behaved children though didn't he?

As a teacher is wish more bloody parents were Von Trap like! There would be less fights, more manners, and happier children.

As an aside - my XH's father never ever hugged or kissed him - when they met they shook hands. I thought it was bizarre and repressed.

That was to @SpotlessMind

Hahaha no.

Mine say hello and ask how they are then we all go about our day.

Not standing up and shaking hands. They're not at school now meeting the head.

My children don't do this (& sometimes are barely even polite to visitors), but I have a couple of friends whose children are expected to greet visitors in this way. It's not weird at all just a different view of what politeness involves.

But I think it sounds like your dcs aren't really sure what is expected of them, so it's no wonder they aren't able to meet your dh's expectations. I think you and your dh need to agree on how you want your children to behave, explain this to your children and then be consistent about enforcing it. It's a bit harsh to punish a dc for being rude if his parents can't agree on what's rude and what is acceptable.

@MrsTumbletap Well they stood to attention when people arrived, yes. But, as I recall, they also put a toad on fraulein Maria’s chair at the dinner table the first day she arrived so their manners weren’t all that .

And Maria subsequently got them to welcome guests via the medium of song, so maybe that’s something the OP and her husband could consider as a compromise.

If a visitor is for them, I expect them to stop what they're doing and come greet (and if it's friends with their parents, a hi to parents as well).

If it is a visitor for one for us adults or one of their siblings, I expect them to be respectful, but they don't need to come out or go out of their to be involved in that.

I would find it very uncomfortable if a person I was visiting had their kids, whether I knew them or not, come shake my hand. It would feel like a very odd display rather than any concern for manners or my feelings as a guest.

I think if the 12 year old greeted the visitor and made eye contact, that was sufficient. Some games can't be paused - was this Fortnite? Why should he stop what he was doing and lose his game because some essentially random adult walked into the room? If you were whisking a souffle or rollering gloss paint on a door, or doing some other kind of non-pausable activity would your DH also expect you to stop and then have to start all over again?
Would the guests be showing good manners if they expected you to do this?
DS acknowledged the guest. The guest could see that DS was busy.

Ours are older teens.

If they are in the TV room downstairs (off the kitchen) gaming/watching TV we expect them to pause and come out say hello, handshake occasionally (this is fairly normal within our group - legacy of independent school, where they've done it since aged 4 ) and make a few minutes of chat about school/uni etc before disappearing again. If they're upstairs in their rooms we expect them to pop into whichever room we're in when they next come downstairs and say hello.
When their friends come around we would do the same.

I kind of agree with your DH. If a DC just looked up briefly and mumbled hello because they were about to get killed in a game, I would then expect them to pop out for a longer hello/chat once they'd finished that round/game.

What I think is weird is that you haven't discussed and agreed this prior. We ALWAYS knew if visitors were coming and once they arrived TV and any gaming was turned off (bear in mind this was the 80s so was less in your face) but generally we had 20 mins or so of polite conversation and cup of tea making then we were set free outside of the living area -usually to outside as we argued less ha ha

I expect my kids to go downstairs and say hello properly - unless they’re in the middle of school work or practice in which case they can pop in afterwards and say hello.

But posters here would find us positively draconian about tv and video games.

He's being a dictatorial twat.
That is very strong. He clearly is just conscious about instilling manners into his children but has just gone a bit over the top.

Shaking hands is too much. But your children should come off their consoles, say hello and engage with the visitors. Even if it's just for a short conversation.

To be honest, the DS who is 12 would normally turn everything off and shake hands, but this particular game of “Fortnite” seems to have a quite dramatic effect on him. More so than any other game, I would say. He did look at them and say “hello, how are you”, etc - please don’t get me wrong. I don’t for a second think it’s ok to ignore people and I can’t bear this myself. However, maybe we need to give this game a rest tbh, so a ban might not be a bad thing! Thanks for all the views. Hopefully DH will be in a more conciliatory mood when he comes back from the bike ride later.

Oh Fortnite haha. It’s like crack.

He sounds like a bit of a martinet tbh.

As is so often the case, the problem here is not the specifics of the expectations for their behaviour - different families do it different ways and that’s fine - but that you and he clearly hadn’t had this discussion beforehand about what you expect from your children and so by the sound of it he was making policy on the hoof without consulting you. Then he reacted badly to being challenged on that.

The children need to have expectations spelt out clearly in advance too. If the rule is ‘we always get up and greet visitors, even if that means losing the game’ then they need to know that in advance. There’s nothing more likely to make a kid feel hard done by than being punished for something they didn’t know they shouldn’t do.

Does he usually co-parent with you in a collaborative manner ? Or is this just one instance of a wider attitude of ‘I’m the boss’ ? And does he come from a public school / armed forces / hierarchical corporate culture at all ? In which case those attitudes can bleed into people’s private lives if they’re not careful.

Well I guess this is a bit of an issue for me because he does bring a work attitude home with him quite often, eg. he gives me lists of tasks and I feel like he’s talking “at” me, rather than it being a two way street. Plus he tends to talk to teachers the way he would to people at work, so I often just go in my own to parent evenings tbh. He did have a military stint but that was a long time ago and pre- DC and I understand his background. I don’t disagree with him as such and we’re generally on the same page, but I do wish he could be a bit more flexible on occasions. If I tell him he’s been too hard on the DC, it takes him about 3 days to respond.

He 'gives you a list of tasks' - seriously ?
That really is not normal or acceptable in any way. Sorry he sounds like he thinks he's the boss of everyone - get him to look up the difference between being authoritative and being authoritarian.
He's not your master - you get to decide what 'tasks' you want to do.

Aha. So it’s the underlying ‘I’m the boss’ attitude which is the problem.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about it. Make sure you are clear that it’s a general pattern, I expect the first thing he’ll do is try to minimise it by suggesting you’re simply overreacting to this specific incident.

They guy is being an absolute weirdo and needs to stop this nonsense immediately.

The guests thing - I imagine the visit is planned in advance, and they know the people who are coming. It's not unreasonable to pause the game to at least say hello.

Because on MN only the mother is allowed to do that!
He may be OTT etc etc but he is as entitled to his opinion, despite being merely a male. Why is it assumed that the female sets the parameters for the family?

He called the OP argumentative because she questioned him, so not only is he making ridiculous demands of his children, he won't listen to the opinion of his wife, so yes he is acting like a dictator. The twattiness is expecting the children to shake hands with his visitors.