Does DH have OTT expectations of DC or AIBU?

[sanitychecker]

If you have DC between the ages of 8 and 15 and adult visitors arrive (our friends, not theirs), would you expect them to immediately turn off the TV or Nintendo Switch when we look into the games room and stand up to engage / shake hands with everyone? DH has just banned one of ours from the Switch now because he did not do this instantly yesterday evening. I said to DH that, although I’m not excusing bad manners, most people don’t really expect such formality and even the babysitter thinks it’s a bit OTT when she comes. DH says I should not be undermining him and has now gone off on his bike in a huff, leaving a bad atmosphere. WIBU?

Yes you should teach them good manners

I would expect them to stop what they were doing and say hello properly to the visitors, for sure. Not necessarily turn off something, but certainly get up from where they were and engage with the person saying hi, answer the usual how are you, how's school, haven't you grown, type stuff, it's just good manners.

If the guest just sticks their head round the door for a quick hi then all I'd expect is for the DC to pause their game, turn their heads, say hi, and everyone to then get on. At most if guest asked them how they were (or other inane conversation) then I'd expect them to respond, but standing up and shaking hands? As a guest I'd not want to be expected to have forced interaction with anyone of any age - I'd not be there to see them.

Sorry, I'm with your DH on this.

Good manners and consideration for others needs to be taught at home in exactly the way he is doing.

Just because you don't see that, doesn't mean it isn't right.

Life shouldn't be a race to the bottom where manners are concerned.

He's being a dictatorial twat.

Because on MN only the mother is allowed to do that!
He may be OTT etc etc but he is as entitled to his opinion, despite being merely a male. Why is it assumed that the female sets the parameters for the family?

What happened was, two couples came for dinner yesterday evening. One of them have DC of similar ages to ours and have known our DC since they were little. DS (15) and DD (8) did stand up to shake hands etc, but the other DS (12) did not because he says he was about to get killed on the game. He did say hello and made eye contact, of course, otherwise that would be very rude, but just didn’t put the console down. The other DD was in the kitchen and the elder DS did come out and chat for a bit. The reason I mentioned the babysitter is that this is the fifth time she has come and she thinks our DC are lovely, but sometimes she wants to laugh because they can be quite “grown up” (in her words) eg. laying out snacks for her and giving her a guided tour of the house.
DH is generally fine, but he’s very definite about some things and doesn’t like to be criticised and it can be hard work.

they were playing games and most adults wouldn’t bat an eyelid at not being acknowledged by kids playing games

Profoundly disagree- would expect at least a 'hello'!

In this case most people agree a quick hello is acceptable and no hand shaking necessary
OP has observed others children doing the same

It’s not a male/female debate

It's extremely good manners to do what your DH describes. A handshake from an 8yo is a bit OTT but then again why not start them early

I make our DC stop their games, and get up to acknowledge guests. If it was (say) a neighbour popping in very quickly to see me about something I'd expect DCs to look up and politely acknowledge - make eye contact and say hello nicely.

If it's a gathering (even informal, even close family) where we are hosting people coming round then it's an absolute must to greet properly on arrival, switching off tech etc. (not the handshakes for close family though!). The same for saying goodbyes.

Unless your husband is Jacob Rees-Mogg, or he was raised by Charles Dickens, I do think he is expecting his children to behave too formally. Let them say hello, but to expect them to engage “instantly” and shake hands really does seem OTT for me. As for you “undermining” him, and then putting up with him going off in a huff, if my dh behaved like that, he’d be walking back in to a huge row! He is behaving like a spoilt child.

My eldest is almost 6, if she was watching TV (we don't have any gaming devices) I would expect her to look away from the TV and say hello, if it was Grandparents/family friends that had arrived I would tell her that when her show was over she needed to turn the TV off.

If they were playing games that could be paused I would expect them to pause the game and say a quick hello while actually interacting with the visitors but then they could go back to what they were doing, a non pausable game (do they exist) I would expect them to call out hello but keep playing.

I wouldn't expect a formal handshake greeting and would think my children quite odd if they got up and did that hah.

The Victorians have sent a telegram requesting the return of your husband at the earliest opportunity and oblige.

Seriously, what a prick.

I was also going to ask if your husband was JRM

I have never had a child shake my hand in their own home, as I guest I'd expect nothing more than a hello if I popped my head round a games room door

Stopping and saying hello, yes. Shaking hands?! No. Many adults don't really do shaking hands - I find it pretty old-fashioned and formal and I'm nearly 50.

Well maybe I’m BU then and I'm prepared to take that on board. Just to be clear, I don’t for one second think it’s ok for DC to not say hello or make eye contact. It definitely dry noticeable and makes me cross occasionally when they have friends over and they keep looking at phones or screens when you talk to them. I always tell the DC if I think certain friends are more rude than others and I would be appalled if they behaved like that at someone else’s house. At the same time, I do feel DH can be a bit OTT about certain things. I would not tell him this in front of the DC obviously, but I do think sometimes you can let the odd thing go. It’s been a tricky week with 11 plus exams and GCSE mocks and we all need to relax ;including me)!

Very not “dry”

YABU. Ignoring visitors like that is incredibly rude. If they are four that’s one thing but 15?! That’s shocking.

So I am guessing the one who got punished was the one who didnt put the consol down, which is slightly different from the OP . About to be killed on a game is no excuse he could have paused the game, no doubt if he had done so and turned around faced the guests and spoken he would not be in trouble.

Re handshake I would expect a handshake if it was a first introduction but otherwise not unless they felt like it.

Speaking personally, my dc don't really acknowledge mine and dh friends if they visit (usually choosing to be in their bedrooms) if they come downstairs of course they'd say hello be polite etc. If a family member comes over it's much the same unless it's someone we don't see often. I don't find this rude or unusual it's their home they don't need to stand to attention. I disagree with your dh but appreciate everyone has differing expectations, is there a compromise here?

My brother ( who I love very much and is a good man ) always taught his children to shake hands with those they met from a young age. My nephew offered his hand to shake with all the teachers and fellow pupils on his first day at secondary school. He was bullied from the start of secondary school and blames this day for the start of it.

I'd expect them to pause the game to say hi and reply to any questions (how are you etc) if guests were there. Basic manners surely. A handshake is unnecessary imo.

This except in cases of SN or MH issues. Handshakes if you are in company that expect that (e.g when visiting relatives abroad). Basically whatever it takes to signal "I am a polite approaching adulthood person who will do what it takes to show good manners in any situation I find myself in". It really, really helps them to learn this awareness to other people early on.

I wouldn't punish but I would have words about making people feel at ease when they enter your home.

Maybe your OH needs to consider that disagreeing with him or opening a discussion is not the same thing as undermining him. Victorian patriarchs may not have tolerated any alternative views but hopefully those days are long gone?

Sounds like it was just your DS (12) that could have done things a bit better and put his console down, so what if he was about to be killed in the game? it's just a game and these are real human visitors that you should acknowledge for politeness.

Obviously it's always best to try and back each other up with the parenting, and parent as a team. Easier said than done though if you disagree on a point, but I think old school manners are a very good thing and will make them more likeable and charming.