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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I allowed to be upset at no inheritance?

64 replies

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 09:56

I should start by saying I am one of three sisters. Throughout my childhood, I never felt we were treated equally - my dad was much harsher with me, and it didn't help that I was an anxious child (and now and anxious adult). He did things that bordered on emotional abuse, while blaming me for his own stress and depression.

My grandparents died in my early teens, and as a result my dad became close to his aunt, who had no family of her own. He talked to her everyday on the phone, and I heard the awful things he would say about me. He said I was a little bitch, that it was my fault he was on antidepressants etc etc. His aunt said he should throw me out - I was about 14 at the time. I know I was a very anxious child, but I didn't commit crimes, smoke, drink, get violent, or anything like that. My crime was getting very worried and upset about things such as bullying at school, and he couldn't handle it and support me. He made me out to be a terrible person. Once I picked the phone up while he was talking about me and said it wasn't true, and his aunt shouted down the phone at me saying I was ruining my dad's life, that I was a little shit etc.

His aunt invited my sisters to stay with her (she lives on the other side of the country) many times over the years, but said she didn't want me there. As a result, they all have a relationship with her. She has bought them cars, paid for their studying, holidays, everything. She has also promised they £50k each in her will, and told them I will be getting nothing due to my behaviour. My dad will be getting a huge amount of money, which she's slowly transferring to him already.

I rarely speak to my dad now after how he treated me, as I'm sure it's contributed to my own mental health problems, but he still slags me off to her from what I hear. He sends me messages saying it's my own fault my sisters will have house deposits while I won't, yet when I challenge him he says I'm vulgar to talk about money.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 13/01/2019 09:59

They sound so awful OP. YANBU to be upset at having such an awful and unfair family, or that your siblings will benefit from this ongoing mistreatment.

frazzledasarock · 13/01/2019 10:00

Oh gosh they sound awful.

Could you completely cut contact with them?

I think it’s important for your own mental health you have nothing to do with them at all.

And it’s understandable being upset about the discrepancy in inheritance. But I think for your own sake move away and cut ties completely and make your own happy life out of their control.

OwlinaTree · 13/01/2019 10:01

How horrible. This aunt is playing favourites to make herself feel important. Your sisters don't sound much better tbh. Are they not willing to share any inheritance?

GreenTulips · 13/01/2019 10:01

What’s your relationship like with your sisters? How do they feel?

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 13/01/2019 10:02

Why would you want anything from these awful people?

They clearly are horrid, so, I personally, wouldn't want anything associated with them.

SydneyFrexkle · 13/01/2019 10:02

What about your mother?

Do your sisters have an opinion on this?

tiggerkid · 13/01/2019 10:02

Understand you are upset but it sounds like it was pretty unlikely you'd get anything from either the aunt or the dad. The only thing you can do now is try and forget about both of them and move on with your life.

MatildaTheCat · 13/01/2019 10:03

YANBU to be upset full stop but it’s not worth fretting about money you might have got one day. They aren’t nice so it would have been tainted anyway.

Move on and leave them behind.

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 10:03

My sisters don't seem to bothered or affected. Our great aunt is nice and generous with them so they think she's lovely.

Growing up I was silently labelled at the black sheep of the family anyway and everything was blamed on me, so they've become conditioned to think the same I think.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2019 10:03

You need to block him so you don't get his messages. He's still abusing you.

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 10:04

I'd have just gone NC with then all and wouldn't have wanted or taken a penny anyway after that treatment.

user1493413286 · 13/01/2019 10:04

That sounds awful and shame on his aunt for accepting what he is saying and not challenging him on the way he talked about his daughter. She’s as bad as him.
I know it’s easy to say but I’d take the attitude that you don’t want money from someone who would act that way

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 10:04

My mother is very submissive and has a host of mental health problems, she would never speak against my dad

OP posts:
ShortandSweet96 · 13/01/2019 10:11

Also meant to get a rather large sum of inheritance. When my parents divorced my mum made a deal with The devil my dad that she won't take half the house money ect if he promises to still give us the inheritance when his mum passes. I think it's always been that when she goes my dad would give us the money.

He was talking auto his mum a couple of years ago and mentioned that when she dies now all the money is going to her partners daughter. I do feel a little upset that my dad has done that to us, but I feel the most upset for mum as she walked.away from the marriage with absolutely nothing to make sure we would be ok, and now it's all gone and she did it for nothing.

At the end of the day, it was an inheritance, it would be nice to have some, but they can't be forced to give you their money. I would cut the ties with your family and live a better life without them.

Cosmos45 · 13/01/2019 10:12

I think they sound very toxic and if it was me to protect my own self worth and mental health I would go NC. I couldn’t tolerate being treated like that by ‘family’. With regards money, whilst yes it’s very hurtful personally I wouldn’t want anything from someone who had treated me that badly. To me the money would be tainted. An inheritance to me should bring with it happy and fond memories from the person you loved cherishing you in their final thoughts.

Kintan · 13/01/2019 10:13

There are two issues here. Firstly you family are awful people and don’t deserve a relationship with you. The second issue is the inheritance and if you don’t have a relationship with your aunt (albeit because of her behaviour), then I think it’s unreasonable for you to be upset you won’t be getting anything from her estate. No-one is entitled to an inheritance and even if you were on good terms with her you still wouldn’t be. I agree with the pp who suggested you cut contact with them all completely for the sake of your own mental health.

Reaa · 13/01/2019 10:14

Without causing you more distress, is there any chance at all, that you are not biologically his?

What's the age gap between you and your sisters?

Neolara · 13/01/2019 10:16

No amount of money is worth putting up with that level of unpleasantness. Honestly, all of them sound fucking horrible. For your own mental health, disengage and try to get to the point where you can genuinely see this is not about you but about some wierd group dynamic that is being played out in an incredibly toxic environment.

Yulebealrite · 13/01/2019 10:19

All your mental health problems are down to him. Please seek counseling to give you the strength to go nc. This is such an unhealthy relationship. Probably with your sisters too.

FlipF · 13/01/2019 10:22

Yanbu

We have broken relationships in our family (my brother is NC with my parents) but inheritances are still worked out completely fairly. He will still get exactly the same as the rest of us. I think this is the right thing to do morally and also because it’s easier for my parents to know they are doing things the right way. It’s a big deal to exclude someone from an inheritance.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 13/01/2019 10:23

You’re not the black sheep. You’re a valid person and they a have treated you badly.

Yanbu Flowers

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/01/2019 10:24

Is your Mum still alive?
Would you be able to cut all contact with your Dad/Great Aunt/Sisters and still maintain contact with your Mum (if that's what you wanted)

I would (in my head) want to go to see the Aunt (no warning of arrival) an ask her just WTF her problem is with you. She's clearly riding on your Dads back like a Devil, egging him on.

Your Dad sounds spineless and vicious blaming a child (you were a child when the abuse started)

Be prepared though, there might be some ugly hidden truths. Was there problems in the marriage when you were born? Does she suspect you aren't his? Does he?

Then tell her you're cutting all contact and pick the bones out of that. You're not interested i her money or her favouritism and you hope that her shrouds have deep pockets.

Then delete all their numbers.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/01/2019 10:25

Your father and his aunt sound like a vicious pair. This has been building up for years. It will only give them satisfaction if you show you are upset.

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 10:25

Without causing you more distress, is there any chance at all, that you are not biologically his?

What's the age gap between you and your sisters?

There have been so many times I've wished I wasn't, but I look too much like him to not be his daughter.

The age gap is very close - we are all within 5 years of each other

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/01/2019 10:27

When did you last visit your aunt?

Maybe you need to visit and clear the air so she sees your are normal functioning adult?

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