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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I allowed to be upset at no inheritance?

64 replies

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 09:56

I should start by saying I am one of three sisters. Throughout my childhood, I never felt we were treated equally - my dad was much harsher with me, and it didn't help that I was an anxious child (and now and anxious adult). He did things that bordered on emotional abuse, while blaming me for his own stress and depression.

My grandparents died in my early teens, and as a result my dad became close to his aunt, who had no family of her own. He talked to her everyday on the phone, and I heard the awful things he would say about me. He said I was a little bitch, that it was my fault he was on antidepressants etc etc. His aunt said he should throw me out - I was about 14 at the time. I know I was a very anxious child, but I didn't commit crimes, smoke, drink, get violent, or anything like that. My crime was getting very worried and upset about things such as bullying at school, and he couldn't handle it and support me. He made me out to be a terrible person. Once I picked the phone up while he was talking about me and said it wasn't true, and his aunt shouted down the phone at me saying I was ruining my dad's life, that I was a little shit etc.

His aunt invited my sisters to stay with her (she lives on the other side of the country) many times over the years, but said she didn't want me there. As a result, they all have a relationship with her. She has bought them cars, paid for their studying, holidays, everything. She has also promised they £50k each in her will, and told them I will be getting nothing due to my behaviour. My dad will be getting a huge amount of money, which she's slowly transferring to him already.

I rarely speak to my dad now after how he treated me, as I'm sure it's contributed to my own mental health problems, but he still slags me off to her from what I hear. He sends me messages saying it's my own fault my sisters will have house deposits while I won't, yet when I challenge him he says I'm vulgar to talk about money.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 13/01/2019 12:17

Hi OP sorry your family is rubbish but @ShortandSweet96
Makes some excellent points.

Chloemol · 13/01/2019 12:39

If you feel strong enough to do this I would write a calm letter to your father and the aunt detailing your childhood, that you did nothing wrong, that he has mentally abused you etc. It may help to get it all down on paper, they can’t take what you feel away or challenge that. If you want to post them I would, stating these are the facts and until you both apologise I will go no contact. If you choose to keep contact with your sisters then that’s fine

mama17 · 13/01/2019 12:58

Disgusting how you have been treated. Massive hugs to you 😩

Sweetieepea · 14/01/2019 00:19

Inheritance is so often unfair. My dm lost her mother when she was 12. She was incredibly close to her father after that. Another lady befriended my mother and helped her, taking ng her places etc. You’ve probably guessed what happened next, she made a move on my gf and when my mother was 15 she married mum’s DF. Mum’s SM was desperate to have a baby, which just didn’t happened. According to my dm her SM then made her life hell, she had to leave school to work and hand all her wages to SM. She was given a paltry amount back, the rest being kept for her keep and clothes SM chose to buy her. Her nieces however were given lots of treats. I think my gf realised what he had done but as staunch Catholics there was nothing he could do. He was a very weak man, who would never stand up to his wife. As soon as she could my mother joined the forces. SM said to her that she had to make an allowance to be sent home out of her wages. I think that this was the only time GF stood up to her and said no. DM met my DF and they married, moving away to Scotland. DM still tried to keep a relationship going as she obviously didn’t want to lose contact with her DF. I can remember as a child visiting and she had said that DMs children had to call her Nana and not to know that she wasn’t actually our DGM. I can remember the awful visits and how this evil woman tried to drive wedges between us. I was the youngest and was clearly told that I wouldn’t get anything when she died, as was one DB whereas my other sister and brother would get their share when she died. I was about 10 when I asked my mother why Nana was so horrible to me and she told me the true relationship. When my DGD died SM said to my DM that she had promised her DH that DM would get her share when she died. We all did still visit her, but on one visit we found out that she had moved her DN and husband in, who none of us had previously known (though why they moved in when their own DM was still alive and needed help, should have told us what they were up to. When she died shortly after we all went to the funeral. We met at the house and whilst some were off filling their cars with petrol the Family Funeral Cars arrived. We were all put out of the house to wait on the steps for our lifts!!
Shortly afterwards my mother received a cheque for £1000. We applied to get a copy of the will. The DN in situ got the house and £50000, her husband got £10000. Another niece got £50000 and her husband £5000. There were a lot of beneficiaries, including the solicitor who had made the will but nothing for any of her ”DGC”. My DM queried the Will, as she had been promised her share, and the house had belonged to her DM & DF. She was told that as she had never been adopted by her SM, if there hadn’t been any provision in the Will she had no rights.
I had never expected anything and only went to the funeral because my mother asked me too. I felt so bad as when the prayers were being said, all that actually came to mind was that this evil old woman certainly needed them. I would not have accepted anything as she was one of only 2 people I have ever actually HATED, but I felt so bad for my mother as she never even received her mother’s rings.

FlipF · 14/01/2019 09:54

Wow Sweetiepea. That's just awful. I don't think that type of situation is that unusual unfortunately.

Dillydallyalltheway · 14/01/2019 10:01

GirlOnTheBus2 can I ask a couple of questions please, are you a middle child? And are you sure he is definitely your dad?. Obviously you don’t need to answer this, but it genuinely sounds like a carbon copy of my life.

Wordthe · 14/01/2019 10:09

The ability to confer inheritances and financial gifts allows these little frail old people to wield mighty swords

Chamomileteaplease · 14/01/2019 10:13

I see that your sisters only see the nice side of the aunt but just because they don't SEE her being horrible to you, doesn't mean that they don't know about it. That's not logical.

I think you should talk to yours sisters more about the situation and try to get them to support you. If they won't then I would cut the whole lot of them off.

I havent' RTWT but I am sure as others have said, it was your father's behaviour that came before your anxiety, no doubt.

CantWaitToRetire · 14/01/2019 16:58

OP, what is your parents' marriage like? Is it possible that your dad has struggled to deal with your DM's mental health problems and when you displayed signs of anxiety he distanced himself from you so that he didn't have to deal with it?

It's an interesting question about are you the youngest (ie potentially an unwanted 3rd child). My husband didn't want me to have our second child (though he couldn't love another child as much as our first) but I refused to abort. He treated our first DD as the 'golden child' and the second DD was the one he was horrible to. She got blamed for anything that went missing or got broken and he just generally didn't bond with her. Ironically, she has turned out to be the one who is grounded, good job, steady boyfriend etc and the eldest DD is workshy, argumentative and hangs with a bloke who "doesn't do parents". Now he treats DD2 as the golden child and DD1 can't do anything right in his eyes!

WellBHoise · 14/01/2019 17:05

Your family sound absolutely horrible, there is no “borderline” tk the emotional abuse. I am so sorry you are still going through it. Can you see a counsellor or psychologist to work through it? I know saying go NC is easy, but it really does sound like you’ve nothing to lose. You are already getting no inheritance and no emotional support from your family.
Cut them off and start your own life.

The poster who said that maybe you are his brothers child, was on to something.

You did absolutely nothing wrong as a child, none of this was your fault. It was your dad projecting some perceived slight onto you.

You deserve happiness and freedom.

Kko1986 · 15/01/2019 12:21

As hard as this may seem you need to walk away and go no contact with all of them if needed you lost your childhood thanks to him and now you risk losing a happy adult life which you can still have. You hold the power to walk away now and build a better life x

bigKiteFlying · 15/01/2019 12:45

LC, NC and Toxic parents.

Labelling children - I hate this.

Happens in my family and despite being a quite teen who did well academically that's not my label so is not family view of me.

Apparently Jane Austin wasn't seen as a writer by her mother -that was a label one of her brother’s had.

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/01/2019 23:11

I'm not sure equal inheritance is always the way to go. What if you have one child who has given up their career to care for you in your old age and the other has been NC for 20 years?

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/01/2019 23:22

Also it's rare for all of the siblings from a toxic family to get on. It's dog eat dog and the non abused are just grateful someone else is getting it in the neck.

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