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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I allowed to be upset at no inheritance?

64 replies

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 09:56

I should start by saying I am one of three sisters. Throughout my childhood, I never felt we were treated equally - my dad was much harsher with me, and it didn't help that I was an anxious child (and now and anxious adult). He did things that bordered on emotional abuse, while blaming me for his own stress and depression.

My grandparents died in my early teens, and as a result my dad became close to his aunt, who had no family of her own. He talked to her everyday on the phone, and I heard the awful things he would say about me. He said I was a little bitch, that it was my fault he was on antidepressants etc etc. His aunt said he should throw me out - I was about 14 at the time. I know I was a very anxious child, but I didn't commit crimes, smoke, drink, get violent, or anything like that. My crime was getting very worried and upset about things such as bullying at school, and he couldn't handle it and support me. He made me out to be a terrible person. Once I picked the phone up while he was talking about me and said it wasn't true, and his aunt shouted down the phone at me saying I was ruining my dad's life, that I was a little shit etc.

His aunt invited my sisters to stay with her (she lives on the other side of the country) many times over the years, but said she didn't want me there. As a result, they all have a relationship with her. She has bought them cars, paid for their studying, holidays, everything. She has also promised they £50k each in her will, and told them I will be getting nothing due to my behaviour. My dad will be getting a huge amount of money, which she's slowly transferring to him already.

I rarely speak to my dad now after how he treated me, as I'm sure it's contributed to my own mental health problems, but he still slags me off to her from what I hear. He sends me messages saying it's my own fault my sisters will have house deposits while I won't, yet when I challenge him he says I'm vulgar to talk about money.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 10:32

Money is symbolic. No one is entitled to inheritance but being singled out is horrible. Your aunt is horrible, just go no contact, no point arguing
If your siblings are nice they would cut you in when your dad dies, perhaps your mum will last longer. I would prioritise your own needs now and don't be in these people's influence. Good luck op, best revenge is a happy life

bionicnemonic · 13/01/2019 10:32

I’d cut your ties and soar...

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 13/01/2019 10:32

Bloody hell! This sounds intolerably toxic.

Flowers for you. x

GirlOnTheBus2 · 13/01/2019 10:34

@GreenTulips she has said I am not welcome there so the last time I saw her was when I was about 11

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/01/2019 10:36

There have been so many times I've wished I wasn't, but I look too much like him to not be his daughter

Has your Dad got a brother?
(Like I said there might be ugly hidden secrets)

There must be some reason that they are so toxic and it will be one that you are COMPLETELY innocent of

WhirlieGigg · 13/01/2019 10:36

Cut contact with all of them, including your sisters. They’re being nasty and abusive. You don’t need that in your life.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/01/2019 10:40

Can you ask your Mum at all?
If you tell her you are just going to walk away from them all.

I would still go and see your Gr Aunt (when the rest of your family aren't there)

I know she's probably a frail elderly lady but she's still enabling your Dad and being toxic herself.

So, what can she do? Call the Police?
Don't forget you were a frail , very young 11yo when she basically blanked you.

over50andfab · 13/01/2019 10:42

OP is all sounds incredibly hurtful and grossly unfair. Can I ask - are you and your sisters quite young still - as in young adults - and are you all still living together as a family? What is your relationship like with your mum and sisters?

I’m also wondering if it’s a cultural things where women in general are more submissive - I don’t get why your sisters don’t speak out. Your aunt sounds so manipulative.

I do believe that it is up to the individual on who they leave their money to, but the way this is being done is so nasty. I do agree with others that you need to do what you can to protect your mental health.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/01/2019 10:48

When your Dad sends you messages either block them or send a reply "Who is this? I think you have the wrong number , please stop contacting me"

Its actually better to block them unread , it shows that you don't care enough to be bothered even opening them.

Mothergooseflying · 13/01/2019 10:49

I'd speak to your sister's, if approachable and ask , if one or both of them would have a word, with your aunt, even with your dad.
If this is a no go area, honestly, I would cut all ties with these TOXIC people, this has carried on long enough, don't ever start to doubt yourself, that you ever did any wrong, you were a child no matter what.
I think my sanity, would be worth more, than all the money in the world.
You still have one thing they all haven't, self respect.
Best Wishes to you.

jacks11 · 13/01/2019 10:50

YANBU to be upset- I think the lack of inheritance is just a further, tangible example of how you are treated by your family. It sounds like they cause you significant harm and bring no happiness or love to your life- I think it's time you found a way to cut contact, or at least minimise it to a bare minimum if you don't want to cut contact completely.

At the very least I think you need to block messages from your dad, they are abusive and cannot be doing you one iota of good.

elvis86 · 13/01/2019 10:50

This sounds absolutely awful. 😥

I'm sorry you've had nobody to stick up for you against your dad and aunt - both of your parents have completely failed you, and your sisters are self-serving bitches to have continued to lap up the praise and attention and to watch you be treated like this.

I can't get my head around it, if what you're saying is true and your only "crime" is your anxiety etc.

I would go NC with the lot of them, and make sure they know why. It sounds like you're getting nothing from these family relationships, other than further damage to your mental health.

AllMYSmellySocks · 13/01/2019 10:53

Bloody hell all of the sound absolutely horrific. You were obviously the scapegoat in your abusive family (and it was abusive not bordering on abusive). What do your sisters say? If that happened to my sister I would be ensuring I split whatever money I got fairly. I wouldn't see my sister treated like that.

adiposegirl2 · 13/01/2019 10:56

Girlonthebus2
Are you the 1st 2nd or 3rd child?
Try and do a DNA test... if you are the last born maybe there are issues... maybe your dad only wanted two children?

I know a woman who has two children for the the same man- kids are two years apart in age. Father has NOTHING to do with the second as he only wanted the one. He is fab to the first. Imagine how heart breaking it must be foe the end when dad comes to collect the 1st one work fun day trips and weekends/ holidays away. Kids are now early 20's- what a psychological head fuck on the 2nd

WeCameToDance · 13/01/2019 11:01

Have you posted this before? Its very familiar. I hope there's not two people in this situation!
I would like to think there is a reason for this treatment (one thats entirely not your fault, I would like to add) but sadly I do think parents are capable of favoritism for no reason.
Op I would cut your losses. Your anxiety is unlikely to improve if your always waiting for the next segment of abuse from your dad. He has behaved awfully your whole life, he felt justified in emotionally abusing a child! He is not going to see the error of his ways now you are a adult. Im so sorry this was your childhood but he really has no control now that your an adult. Leave them all too it. Block them on all forms of contact and live your life knowing you are worth far more than his treatment of you.

Livelovebehappy · 13/01/2019 11:11

Sometimes people just like to have a scapegoat in a family to blame for all the bad things, and I’m afraid you’re ‘it’. They sound absolutely toxic, as much as your sisters too for enabling their behaviour. The situation sounds totally irretrievable so you need to focus on the positives in your life, and cut their toxicity out. If you go NC with your aunt and DF they won’t have someone to focus their vile behaviour on. Let them find someone else to use as their emotional punchbag.

redexpat · 13/01/2019 11:13

Thats not borderline abusive. Thats abusive.

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 13/01/2019 11:21

What an awful family you have. Flowers I agree about going NC, with your dad and great aunt at least. Although your mum and sisters sound like they enable the behaviour which, to me, is completely unacceptable.

I agree that there must be something else that you are unaware of that causes this. You having a different father occurred to me as well. Could your parents only afford three children and your dad desperately wanted a boy and has taken it out on you that he has three girls?

Childsupport · 13/01/2019 11:22

Without causing you more distress, is there any chance at all, that you are not biologically his?

My thoughts exactly. I can't think of any other explanation. Sometimes we look like a parent, because we have the same mannerisms, rather than the same genetics. I really would get a DNA test. You don't even need to tell him, just get hair off a brush or something.

adultchildalcoholicparents · 13/01/2019 11:31

YANBU to be distressed by this but it plays out so often in toxic family dynamics.

Just because people grow up in the same family doesn't mean that their experiences are even remotely similar.

Your siblings don't sound as if they have any interest in equalising matters by sharing any inheritance with you. And your father has his own story.

There are so many unfair and unjust dispositions of estates when people die - it's very common. And it propagates more dysfunctional generations and injustice. Sadly, there is no way to compel us to be reasonable, fair-minded family members.

tablelegs · 13/01/2019 11:35

I would take control of the situation and cut your aunt and your dad off and never have them back in your life.

You will be free of their negativity forever.

fc301 · 13/01/2019 11:43

I would say he is the CAUSE of your anxiety not vice versa.

You need to understand that you ARE the scapegoat here and that this is a permanent state of affairs.

Seek therapy to address both points above.

The DNA thing is a red herring. They're all narcissistic fucks.

purpleleotard · 13/01/2019 11:50

It is shit to be treated differently.
My middle sister had mom's ear all the time. She would forge her signature on cheques, had £10ks in hand outs throughout her life and free loaded at every opportunity.
Now NC.
suprise surprise.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/01/2019 11:53

I'm so sorry. How bloody awful...

Blaming a child??! Awful.

It does seem in this toxic dynamic, everyone has deemed you the scapegoat...

Your aunt and other adults involved will sadly be motivated to continue with thekr beliefs or else they have the unpleasant fact that they had a vendetta against and bullied a child....

Somewhereovertheroad · 13/01/2019 12:13

This is abuse.

You need to go no contact and get counselling. Thanks

Money isn't everything. Build yourself a nice life without them.

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