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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 'boundaries' are a smokescreen for 'controlling behaviour'?

54 replies

ThatBadgerThread · 12/01/2019 20:14

More and more I have noticed a tendency for parents to exert very tight control over every aspect of their children's environment - what they do, who they interact with, how long for, what, when and how they eat, etc.

If anyone oversteps these, everyone is very quick to jump in and say 'go NC' or 'read them the riot act', and that it's important to 'set boundaries'.

To be clear, I'm not talking about the extremes - no one wants their children hanging out with people who are going to be abusive or irresponsible or let them watch TV 24/7. It's more the little things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, like a grandparent being a bit too indulgent, feeding them a square of chocolate at the wrong time of day, or dropping them off home a bit late (when you don't have a flight to catch).

I just can't help feeling a bit sad that children might be missing out on strong relationships and spontaneous experiences because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatBadgerThread · 13/01/2019 00:47

To be clear, I’m not a jilted grandparent! And I don’t have kids old enough to be in this situation myself yet. But I have thought quite a bit about what kind of parent I’d like to be and this is one thing I’d really like to avoid if I can.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 13/01/2019 00:53

Bless, you meant to type gransnet.com, didn't you? Grin

Original poster
ThatBadgerThread · 13/01/2019 00:59

Ha ha, nope. I realise that’s how it must sound when I re-read it. Hence the clarification!

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 13/01/2019 01:03

People don't like being undermined. It may "just be a square of chocolate" now, but as an adult, an inability to stay within the parameters set by the parents shows you either don't care or you think you know better. Keep undermining the parent because you "know better" and you end up with an NC situation. Don't want to go NC? Listen to the actual parents' requests. It's the little things that add up. Many parents want to raise their child a certain way, without eating crap, with a predictable timetable, who are you to disregard that?

That's my opinion on this anyway! Not a personal dig, "you" being the straw-gran in the scenario.

Momasita · 13/01/2019 01:05

No I disagree with you.
Boundaries are only neccsary when some people trample into your life and start to ruin it. Most people would never dream of causing others offence or problems.

Sadly the people who trample multiple times are not the sorts to listen or care.

Hence you see on here very polite people wondering what the hell to do with the family of elephants they seemed to have married into that their dh can't control.

Momasita · 13/01/2019 01:08

And, if you you have good relations and you all trust and respect each other then you will know the square of chocolate was a once off or they won't drop them back late every single time to show you whose in charge.

Fairenuff · 13/01/2019 01:10

No you are wrong. Boundaries are set for a reason. They are an essential part of life imo.

Original poster
ThatBadgerThread · 13/01/2019 01:15

I totally get not wanting to be undermined. My mum lets her dog sit on my sofa, it annoys me and I’ve told her so, but in the grand scene of things it’s not the end of the world. She also doesn’t clean the sink in the bathroom when she stays - either forgets or just doesn’t think it’s important I guess.

But to go NC would be crazy and throwing out the baby with the bath water.

It just feels like people sweat the small stuff much more now, particularly when it comes to their kids.

OP posts:
Momasita · 13/01/2019 01:18

Maybe give us some examples then badger because I've not seen this in rl and I've not seen it on here either.

Seniorschoolmum · 13/01/2019 01:18

Yabu. In my experience, the people who say.the boundaries are too tight and too controlling suddenly remember they should be somewhere else when that child needs to be taken to hospital to be stitched up or have their stomach pumped.

Oswin · 13/01/2019 01:20

But no one in would ever say to go nc over that.

Hedgehogblues · 13/01/2019 01:28

Nobody goes NC because someone is just a bit annoying

showmeshoyu · 13/01/2019 01:32

I agree, it's almost always a habitual undermining or ignoring of wishes. Then boundaries start being set to try to reign it all back in and the one doing all the boundary breaking acts like an injured party because the parent blew their stack over taking them for pizza before dinner "oh it's only a small thing", but it was the tenth small thing that week starting with giving them caffeinated drinks before bedtime on Monday, being an hour late with them on Tuesday and having a swastika tattooed on their forehead after a coke binge on Wednesday. That's why I have boundaries.

Original poster
ThatBadgerThread · 13/01/2019 01:33

A few things from recent memory:

One example was the OP saying the grandparent had bought too many too many toys for the child (toys lived at the grandparents’ house) and the poster thought the child might feel hard done by at home.

Another saying she didn’t like the fact her MIL had given her child a bath during the day without asking (child enjoyed playing with water).

Another was a child visiting a friend’s house for a few hours and the dad took them in a car to a soft play. Poster was miffed that parent hadn’t asked permission to drive them somewhere.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 13/01/2019 01:39

Yeah I think that all the time on here and leave the bastard 😂

ReanimatedSGB · 13/01/2019 01:42

Oh, some people are pathological whinyarses who can't understand that the universe doesn't revolve around them and their whims.
And some people have been subjected to years and years of 'little' things that are all designed to annoy or worry or upset them, by bullies who are determined to put them in their place.

TeddybearBaby · 13/01/2019 01:43

Just saw your examples, all crazy imo. I’d be so so happy for my children in all of those scenarios. I think it’s more of a power and control thing than boundary setting. Don’t think I’ve ever come across it irl thankfully.

sheepsheep · 13/01/2019 01:43

In a lot of situations that have ended up with NC, you could isolate any "incident" and on its own it would seem ridiculously petty and something that isn't worth bothering about.

But these incidents do not happen in isolation, and honestly IME the majority of people who go NC do so because these incidents build up over time to form an overall picture of a lack of respect, an absence of healthy boundaries in general, and something that is not a one time error or carelessness but a campaign with intent behind it.

Since I have had kids I have realised that if you give people an inch they will take a mile, and precedents need set early on or they become too hard to correct down the line.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/01/2019 01:50

It sounds like you've never had to deal with a narcissist or someone incredibly invasive. I thought like you 'just let it go its petty's and then I got taken to hell and back by people with serious issues.
I think boundaries are very important to clearly set. I think if someone crosses the line you do need to cut it dead because I have learnt from experience that it leads you into a whole world of pain if you do not.

Lonelyheart2020 · 13/01/2019 01:53

I’m on the fence I am what some people would call a very gentle parent and others would call nuts 😂🤣
So rarely can anyone undermine me because I’m probably one of the most laid back parents you meet
Daughter 5 has 3 main rules
No violence
Be polite
Be kind and respectful
With the eating thing she can’t eat so have never had boundaries
I find having little boundaries and natural consequences have worked for us ( I know not everyone ) but I believe my daughter is her own person and she can make choices that aren’t big important ones.

Lonelyheart2020 · 13/01/2019 01:55

Oh ok so I have completely mis read haha
My mum has is a big part of my daughter I trust her to look after her so therefor I trust her to in all aspects so don’t reallt intervene in any sense. Of course I would if it was dangerous.

Momasita · 13/01/2019 02:04

  1. I can't see any issues with the that really but nave the op was just getting opinions.

  2. maybe she was worried it would disrupt bedtime routine or something or the granny wasn't up to dealing with small dc in water...

  3. I had two play dates with dc different ages today. Someone else had older dc and asked me if it was OK to take child somewhere and I had another dc here and similarly asked if it was OK to pop to park! I see asking someone to take their child somewhere else is a basic courtesy. As well as keeping the dc safe.

But I'm surprised all these were leading to no contact but as pp said they rarely happen in isolation

Praguemum · 13/01/2019 05:32

Wow. Letting her dog sit on your sofa is very disrespectful. It's your house. Tell her if she doesn't like it, then don't being the dog! Or she can pay to have the sofa cleaned. I wouldn't be having any of that passive aggressive shit.

blackcat86 · 13/01/2019 05:50

There is bit of an obsession on MN with LTB and NC. Unfortunately it does cultivate the stereotype that women want a guy to have babies with but not actually to work on a long term relationship or marriage (providing it's not abusive of course). They also see themselves as always right. However, I've also seen very valid examples of GPs giving infants food they are allergic to in an attempt to prove they know best or inviting round abusive relatives so they can see baby. Boundaries are really important. God knows I need to start enforcing these more. Of the examples you gave I actually wouldn't be happy for the GPs to bath my 5 month old without my permission or presence. It's a very personal thing. Yes if she's covered in muck or is there for the night then fair enough but not just for water play.

Seline · 13/01/2019 06:58

I wouldn't go NC for those things but I would be annoyed. Particularly dropping off late. I plan my day and in order to get everything done, times need to be stuck to and abided by. My eldest gets I incredibly upset if something out of routine occurs and it won't be the grandparent or friend up all night consoling him, it'll be me. So I do get incredibly annoyed by it yes.