To think that 'boundaries' are a smokescreen for 'controlling behaviour'?

[ThatBadgerThread]

More and more I have noticed a tendency for parents to exert very tight control over every aspect of their children's environment - what they do, who they interact with, how long for, what, when and how they eat, etc.

If anyone oversteps these, everyone is very quick to jump in and say 'go NC' or 'read them the riot act', and that it's important to 'set boundaries'.

To be clear, I'm not talking about the extremes - no one wants their children hanging out with people who are going to be abusive or irresponsible or let them watch TV 24/7. It's more the little things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, like a grandparent being a bit too indulgent, feeding them a square of chocolate at the wrong time of day, or dropping them off home a bit late (when you don't have a flight to catch).

I just can't help feeling a bit sad that children might be missing out on strong relationships and spontaneous experiences because of it.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds, you might be right - my parents and the neighbours I babysat for were distinctly non-uptight, so it may be that I'm just seeing 'normal' now I'm out of that bubble.

@BurpsandHustles Op you seem rather entrenched not sure it's worth posting on this thread tbh
Thanks for doing so anyway though For what it's worth I agree that almost all the examples people posted are unacceptable genuine boundary-crossing, including the ones you put in your post. I'd feel the same. I probably overstated my point because I wanted to emphasise that I'm taking about the small things (like the three examples I posted upthread when asked to give examples), whereas people kept posting examples of big things that I too would consider an issue.

To be honest I probably just spent too much time on AIBU yesterday, and ended up thinking the whole world was unreasonable and wouldn't we all be happier if we all just chilled out a bit.

So while this thread seems to have persuaded some people that I am unreasonable, I am generally persuaded that most people are in fact reasonable. (And that I should spend less time on AIBU). I'll take it

I don’t have any boundaries with my parents because I know that if they gave dd a square of chocolate it would only be one square and they’d make a big deal of it being a special treat, not an every day occurance but I do have boundaries with MIL because she’s a feeder and if I let her give dd a square of chocolate it would turn into a kilo of chocolate every time she saw her.

The big picture and respect for the parent and the consequences of exceeding the boundary matter.

Standards have changed so for example, 30 years ago a child without a car seat/ seatbelt was still normal (and probably logistically unviable in cars more than a few years old). Some GPs take an "it was fine in my day approach" and ignore the change in standards. Clearly breaking this boundary is unreasonable and illegal, but other changes in childraising such as weaning later are less clear cut. A GP breaking a boundary by giving a 3m old some chocolate cake would be unreasonable to most parents who consider 4m early and may be waiting until baby is ready at 5-6m.

Usually if a poster is being completely overzealous over an isolated and minor transgression they will be firmly decreed to be unreasonable. Normally if they are deemed to be reasonable about something apparently trivial, it's going to be in the context of a long running saga of petty and not so petty underminingings from the offending GP.

Or a legitimate-but-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-not-that-important-if-it's-occasionally-broken rule

The bottom line is that every single person gets to decide what their personal boundaries are.

I have friends with very different boundaries to me around all sorts of things. And sometimes I think their boundaries are bonkers!

But I follow them every single time. Why? Because it isn't my place to decide that they are petty or arbitrary or even legitimate but in the grandscheme of things not that important if it's occasionally broken rule. They are their boundaries and I respect that.

You know the expression - give someone an inch and they'll take a mile? Boundaries stop that.