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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD’s best friend’s mum and invitations

53 replies

Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 17:53

I might being unreasonable but really can’t work this one out so putting it to the MN jury. Basically I am friends with my DD’s best friend’s mum - we met through the girls and they have been friends since infants. They see lots of each other and have a lovely friendship.

I just find my friend a bit controlling at times. Invitations are always on her terms, at her house or going somewhere she wants to go. Whenever the girls get together, it’s more often than not at her house, even though I suggest that her DD come to ours for a change - there is usually an excuse why she can’t. I’ve invited her and her DH over to ours loads of times but they only make it once a year or so but we generally go to them when we are invited over.

What really bugs me though is that very often, when DD just goes round for a couple of hours to hang out with her bf, I will get a message from my friend along the lines of, ‘oh DD can stay for tea and a sleepover and then hang out with us tomorrow too if you want’ . I would like to say ‘no, I don’t want - DD only came round to you for a bit and I would like her home to eat with us and spend some time with us but inevitably I end up saying yes as otherwise I’ll look like the bad guy and DD would only be in a mood with me so there’s no point in trying to continue with the nice family evening anyway!

We take turns to pick the girls up from their sporting activity at weekends. If its pmy friends turn, she regularly won’t just bring her straight home, it will be a message saying ‘thought I’d take them both shopping/cinema/tea out’ and instead of getting dropped back at 4pm it will be 9pm. My plans for a nice Saturday pizza/movie night out the window!

I know I sound an ungrateful cow but it’s bugging me and I dont know what to do. Maybe I need to speak to my friend and ask that she speaks to me before she makes plans with the girls so I don’t have to look like the spoilsport. Also, as I’ve said I wouldn’t mind as much if her DD was allowed to hang out a bit more at ours and do stuff with us.

Please don’t be nasty, prepared to be told it’s me but would just like your opinions.

OP posts:
Imsosorryalan1 · 12/01/2019 17:55

If you have plans for after just tell her that!

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/01/2019 17:56

OP you need to be stronger! It's fine to say no you have a family evening planned. I Would definitely have that conversation with your friend. At the moment you're people pleasing too far.

Strongmummy · 12/01/2019 17:57

Erm, this woman hasn’t don’t anything wrong other than be an accommodating host to your daughter. you need to be assertive and say you want her home.

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 17:57

If you want DD back at a particular time just mention it to best friend's mum in advance. (e.g. we have plans so will need to come get DD at 4pm).

W0rriedMum · 12/01/2019 17:59

I would hate the failure to keep to arrangements and to monopolize your child. I'd just ask her to run plans by you first and say no sometimes.
She is basically setting up as the "party house" where everything and everyone is centred at their place. Basically it's some warped ego trip.
You don't say how old the girls are. If older, they'll soon run their own lives and will hate being home with parents anyhow

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 12/01/2019 18:00

Just tell her it doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to agree to her taking your DD out after picking her up or changing your plans.

If they don’t work then just tell her...and your the parent, looking like the bad guy to DD is tough, you either let it carry on and let it annoy you and ruin plans or just tell her

FortyFacedFuckers · 12/01/2019 18:01

What age are the girls op?

Is it possible the dd isn’t really keen on being at other people’s houses/staying over etc
I was this that as a child so my friends were always at mine had sleep overs etc but if I was asked to theirs I made my mum say no Blush

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/01/2019 18:02

Hi I think this one is easily sorted. Just make actual plans, tell your daughter (even if it's just let's watch a film later and have a pudding - you can choose both, or whatever) and when she's picking her up say 'we've got plans for a movie / takeaway etc tonight so would you mind dropping her straight home after - oh and you're welcome to join us if you'd like?' There is no way surely anyone could find that rude, she will come straight home, and maybe they will join you.

Auntiepatricia · 12/01/2019 18:04

I’d friend an only child? And could the mum possibly be struggling with anxiety etc. Meaning she can’t cope with being trapped in other people’s houses. Or something.

Maybe she’s just self absorbed but it sounds like she very happily accommodates your DD and tries to do nice things for the girls. Maybe trying to give you some freedom. Maybe she’s desperate for someone to do that for her?

Frogsrus · 12/01/2019 18:04

What age are the girls?

pictish · 12/01/2019 18:04

“inevitably I end up saying yes as otherwise I’ll look like the bad guy“

That’s where you can change this. You say (breezily) “Not tonight, I’ve got plans. Thanks for the offer, another time!”

She does sound a bit takey-overy and domineering.

tinytreefrog · 12/01/2019 18:05

Next time you pick the girls up at the weekend, take them out for tea/ cinema/ bowling. Don't ask, just text your friend and let her know what's happening. It's what she seems to do to you.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:05

Thanks.

Forty faced - the girls are 14 and there are no issues with the bf not wanting to stay here - it’s just her mum stopping her.

Brakeback - you are right, I am too much of a people pleaser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:07

And yes, the bf is an only child. Her parents do a lot of socialising at home and I think they like having my DD to keep theirs company.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 12/01/2019 18:11

They’re 14? Then def let the girls get on with it. Surely your DD enjoys going there or she’d tell you.
I have no say in who my teens see unless I tell them they specifically have to be back for a time.
I thought they’d be primary age how you’re speaking about it.

pictish · 12/01/2019 18:13

I thought you were going to say the girls were 7 or something.
At 14 I would thank the mum for giving me the heads up as your daughter is of an age to choose for herself.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:18

Justdance - but my point is that these plans are driven by the mum, not thought up by my DD and her friend. DD would be more than happy just to see her friend for a few hours and not even thinking of sleepover etc until the mum brings it up. My DD has a v busy social life and makes all sorts of plans herself.

OP posts:
SpikyHedgehogg · 12/01/2019 18:19

Another who was picturing 7. Your daughter is old enough to be aware that you have plans. Why doesn’t she just say?

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:22

@pictish - see my last post. It’s not the girls driving these arrangements, it’s always the mum who has to extend them from a few hours hanging out together to staying for sleepover/half the weekend!

OP posts:
Furrypineapple · 12/01/2019 18:22

We had the opposite problem for months until I became assertive. Shared lifts with DS friend’s mum to a weekly activity on a Saturday morning. Every single time it was her turn to collect she would expect her DS to be invited in to spend the rest of the day/evening with us. She would even wait in the car outside our house and send her DS to the door with a hopeful face. They didn’t even live very near to us so it always meant an 8 mile round trip later on on the Saturday to drop him home which kind of defeated the object of sharing lifts to activity.

Anyway....grew a backbone and actually started to say it wasn’t convenient (which it honestly wasn’t! Think of all the things you might need to get done on a Saturday). Cue a stroppy face the first time but soon got the message.

They were younger though so agree with posters above - at 14 you’ve got to give them a bit more freedom about where to spend their time.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:25

@spikyhedgehog - cos a pizza/film with the family is not as exciting as a sleepover with your bessie mate. I just wish the mum wouldn’t put her in the position of choosing and think about consulting me first. Especially when it’s the other way round, the mum would invariably say no.

OP posts:
MartaHallard · 12/01/2019 18:26

If your dd doesn't want to do things with the other mum and dd, she's old enough to say a polite 'no thank you'. If you need her to come straight home, just tell her that's what she must do. Otherwise, let her decide what she wants to do.

Do the girls need to be picked up and brought home from the activity, or can they make their own way?

pictish · 12/01/2019 18:28

OP - yes I got that. If your dd wasn’t up for it she’d say so.

Allthewaves · 12/01/2019 18:29

Why don't you take girls out after sports activity too - same way as friend does with just a text

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:29

Think I’m not being clear. DD makes loads of arrangements with this friend and others. My issue is it’s the mum making the arrangements and suggesting sleepovers etc, not the girls!

OP posts: