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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD’s best friend’s mum and invitations

53 replies

Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 17:53

I might being unreasonable but really can’t work this one out so putting it to the MN jury. Basically I am friends with my DD’s best friend’s mum - we met through the girls and they have been friends since infants. They see lots of each other and have a lovely friendship.

I just find my friend a bit controlling at times. Invitations are always on her terms, at her house or going somewhere she wants to go. Whenever the girls get together, it’s more often than not at her house, even though I suggest that her DD come to ours for a change - there is usually an excuse why she can’t. I’ve invited her and her DH over to ours loads of times but they only make it once a year or so but we generally go to them when we are invited over.

What really bugs me though is that very often, when DD just goes round for a couple of hours to hang out with her bf, I will get a message from my friend along the lines of, ‘oh DD can stay for tea and a sleepover and then hang out with us tomorrow too if you want’ . I would like to say ‘no, I don’t want - DD only came round to you for a bit and I would like her home to eat with us and spend some time with us but inevitably I end up saying yes as otherwise I’ll look like the bad guy and DD would only be in a mood with me so there’s no point in trying to continue with the nice family evening anyway!

We take turns to pick the girls up from their sporting activity at weekends. If its pmy friends turn, she regularly won’t just bring her straight home, it will be a message saying ‘thought I’d take them both shopping/cinema/tea out’ and instead of getting dropped back at 4pm it will be 9pm. My plans for a nice Saturday pizza/movie night out the window!

I know I sound an ungrateful cow but it’s bugging me and I dont know what to do. Maybe I need to speak to my friend and ask that she speaks to me before she makes plans with the girls so I don’t have to look like the spoilsport. Also, as I’ve said I wouldn’t mind as much if her DD was allowed to hang out a bit more at ours and do stuff with us.

Please don’t be nasty, prepared to be told it’s me but would just like your opinions.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 18:33

I've been here a couple of times. I generally preface all arrangements with 'she'll need to be home by x time as we have plans' and then 'no we have plans'. My kids haveeach had a friend/parent like this. It's very annoying and disruptive when it's every single time. Don't discuss what your plans are and don't negotiate. Also say no sometimes if the terms don't suit your DD.

Epiphany52 · 12/01/2019 18:34

Yes I’ve had similar issues with mothers of onlys. It’s not my child’s job to entertain their child. And I mean that in the most polite way.
It’s not always intentional but it happens.
Just have firmer boundaries or a frank conversation! I’d also be careful that your DD doesn’t see they other family as more exciting or interesting than her own.
It’s only right and fair that time is equally distributed.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 18:35

Just TELL the mum what your plans are!! Your DD your rules....

TheBigFatMermaid · 12/01/2019 18:38

When it's your turn to pick up, why not do the same as she does? So, take the girls out for pizza and a bit of a shop. Then she will know what it feels like and if she complains, point out she has done the same countless times.

Weathermonger · 12/01/2019 18:38

If the mother is that overbearing she may not take a polite "No" from the daughter anyway. Definitely time to have a chat with your - very controlling - friend

Ellisandra · 12/01/2019 18:40

Tell your daughter that she needs to be in at when her friend’s mum is doing pick up.
Next few times, send “hi friend - plans this afternoon so can you drop daughter back at please”.

Goldmandra · 12/01/2019 18:43

Invitations are always on her terms, at her house or going somewhere she wants to go.

Isn't that generally how invitations work?

If you have plans, let your DD know in advance and tell her she's welcome to invite the friend to join you but needs to come home whatever.

If you don't have plans, let her go and do her own thing. That's what 14 year olds should be doing. The fact that the friends mum is suggesting things makes no difference. If she wants to go and enjoys herself, just let her. Trying to stop her will just make her resent you and want to be at home less.

Like previous posters have said, there's nothing stopping you from doing all the same things.

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2019 18:44

Just say no more often. Best friend is far more likely to come to you if your dd isnt instantly and constantly available.

SheeshazAZ09 · 12/01/2019 18:48

Easy. Just tell your friend when you need your daughter back by--and tell her this at the time the meetup arrangement is made and/or when you drop daughter off at hers. It's not rude, it's just clear! eg Yes I'll bring DD round at 4 pm but I need her back by 8pm as we have plans.

OutPinked · 12/01/2019 18:48

At fourteen it’s trickier than if your DD was primary aged because you will be enemy #1 to your DD if you stop her having fun with her friend. You maybe do need to be that person though and step in sometimes to say actually, we have plans. You’ve allowed this to go on for a decade though so it’s clearly just become habitual for her.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:52

OK, thanks everyone. Think I know what I need to do now.
Pictish - my DD is quite quiet and friends mum has a way of getting her way if you see what I mean. DD admits she finds it hard to say no to her.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 12/01/2019 18:52

I thought this was going to be about a primary age child. Ask your dd how she feels? If she’s happy then let her get on with it. I wasn’t home much at 14 either.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:53

@outpinked - no, it was never like this when they were younger. It’s definitely got worse over the last year or so.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 12/01/2019 18:54

But the problem isn't really that the mum suggests it. It's what happens next that's the problem.
If she suggested it and your DD said 'no I have plans at home or with a different friend' then presumably that would be the end of it.
If you said to the mum before they leave, 'we have plans for tonight so DD needs to be back by x' then even if she ignores that and suggests a sleepover, when she calls for permission, you say 'sorry we have plans'. You need to respect your time and your plans with your DD as much as you respect friends' plans.

MiaKolpar · 12/01/2019 18:54

Really bizarre behaviour from the other mother. My DD is 14, and she would think it was very weird if her BF's mum started making plans for them. I have the opposite problem, in that DD informs me, normally at the last minute, that she's having sleepover with whoever, and I have to prise the contact information out of her for whichever friend's parent/s it might be. Either that, or so-and-so is coming over later and is sleeping over. It's normally fine, in fact, but if it isn't, I just say so. She moans and gets over it. I know that parents of only children can be a excessively 'hands on' (I also know that lots aren't), but it must drive her DD crazy...

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2019 18:55

My dd is an only. She is bored the moment her friends leave but I would never do this. Perhaps she will say no to you taking her dd out but you have to try. Then you can gauge her reaction and start pushing back. At 14 you should be able to say to your dd that you want to do family stuff and refuse an invite.... even if she rolls her eyes.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 18:56

@ashtrayheart - but don’t you see what I mean about it being the mum pushing these arrangements/sleepovers?

OP posts:
magicroundabouts · 12/01/2019 18:59

And yes, the bf is an only child. Her parents do a lot of socialising at home and I think they like having my DD to keep theirs company.

I think this is the reason. I had a friend who was similar. She was constantly wanting to meet up (4 or 5 times a week in the holidays). I realised that it was because it made her life easier. Her DS was an only too and my boys kept him entertained. I had to pull back, because it was just too much for me.

I think you need to be more assertive. Your friend is putting herself first and you need to do the same.

bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 19:09

Mine were also both mums of only children!

LunaFortuna · 12/01/2019 19:10

Of DFO with the only children crap

dustarr73 · 12/01/2019 19:12

I think the nights you want your dd home ,is just to collect her that night from her activity.

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2019 19:16

Speak to her, you're the mum and she should make arrangements with you. Tell your daughter too, she can invite her friend to yours, but she should tell the other mother she can't stay without your permission.
Be firm, there will be sulking, but your daughter won't be so compliant forever, she will feel secure knowing your rules when she branches out in a year or two.this woman is a cf.

category12 · 12/01/2019 19:18

I would get in there first - say, "I'll be picking up dd at such and such a time - it's not flexible this time." Tell your dd her pick-up time beforehand. Stick to it.

And "the next sleepover will have to be at ours, I'm really not comfortable with the hospitality going one way all the time" and repeat, broken record.

LunaFortuna · 12/01/2019 19:24

Sorry OP, I was going reply properly but got sidetracked by the only child stuff. I’ve been in a slightly similar position and I get how you feel (in my case I only have one and the other mum has a few). I get that when they are this age they are so busy that there’s precious little family time anyway without someone else taking it over.

I would agree with PP, get in there first with the offers of sleepovers etc or if she suggests it first then get your assertive pants on and say that a sleepover is fine but absolutely must be at yours this time, friendly but firm 😀

Serialweightwatcher · 12/01/2019 19:25

I know it's not fair on you, but if your daughter would prefer to be with her friend I'd just leave her to it - or ask your DD if she wants to spend time at home and make certain days where she shouldn't stay on at friends house