DD’s best friend’s mum and invitations

[Canshopwillshop]

I might being unreasonable but really can’t work this one out so putting it to the MN jury. Basically I am friends with my DD’s best friend’s mum - we met through the girls and they have been friends since infants. They see lots of each other and have a lovely friendship.

I just find my friend a bit controlling at times. Invitations are always on her terms, at her house or going somewhere she wants to go. Whenever the girls get together, it’s more often than not at her house, even though I suggest that her DD come to ours for a change - there is usually an excuse why she can’t. I’ve invited her and her DH over to ours loads of times but they only make it once a year or so but we generally go to them when we are invited over.

What really bugs me though is that very often, when DD just goes round for a couple of hours to hang out with her bf, I will get a message from my friend along the lines of, ‘oh DD can stay for tea and a sleepover and then hang out with us tomorrow too if you want’ . I would like to say ‘no, I don’t want - DD only came round to you for a bit and I would like her home to eat with us and spend some time with us but inevitably I end up saying yes as otherwise I’ll look like the bad guy and DD would only be in a mood with me so there’s no point in trying to continue with the nice family evening anyway!

We take turns to pick the girls up from their sporting activity at weekends. If its pmy friends turn, she regularly won’t just bring her straight home, it will be a message saying ‘thought I’d take them both shopping/cinema/tea out’ and instead of getting dropped back at 4pm it will be 9pm. My plans for a nice Saturday pizza/movie night out the window!

I know I sound an ungrateful cow but it’s bugging me and I dont know what to do. Maybe I need to speak to my friend and ask that she speaks to me before she makes plans with the girls so I don’t have to look like the spoilsport. Also, as I’ve said I wouldn’t mind as much if her DD was allowed to hang out a bit more at ours and do stuff with us.

Please don’t be nasty, prepared to be told it’s me but would just like your opinions.

But the problem isn't really that the mum suggests it. It's what happens next that's the problem.

I really think that this sums it up. People are going to assert themselves, and we have to manage our own boundaries.

I think people like that mum find people they can easily over ride . If another mother was just as assertive they would not become friends as she wouldn't be happy..This is not a criticism of you as you have the nicer personality.
In two situations l am familiar with it was the mothers own anxiety around her dd that stopped her letting them go to other houses. Its like they beluieve the only place she is safe is with her. They fail to see how insulting that is to you.

Unfortunately your dd is too old at this stage to really change this dynamic but don't be surprised if she begins to pull away from this friend as she gets older. In one of the situations l know the two girls had a massive falling out and it was mainly as a result of the mothers controlling ways.
But do try even in small ways to have your say. Maybe pick up more..let her do the dropping off and do a small thing like stop off for a milkshake so you are taking back some ground.

Thanks so much everyone. I’ve got some great advice on how to go forward. I don’t want to spoil DD’s fun but will make sure that the fun happens a bit more at our house/on our terms.