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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am right to cancel all gifts from now on?

52 replies

Millionsofthings · 12/01/2019 12:41

Asking for opinions on what you would do when you have received a gift designed to be an insult?

Bit if background. We had always gotten on well with BIL and SIL, even though other family members didn’t we always tried to keep in touch and tried to support them when they had a few issues.

We have 2 Dc which they buy for at Christmas and Birthdays and they spend £20-25 on them each. They have 5 DC which we buy for again both Christmas and Birthdays and we spend £30-40 on each of them. Obviously I have always been aware we spend but it’s never bothered me, they are our nieces and nephews.

All was well until a few moths ago when there was a disagreement in the family. Although things have been strained I still purchased what I usually would for the DC.

However at Christmas our DC received the absolute basic of gifts. Not even a small toy, nope it was a bottle of bubble bath each. No card. No sweets.

I felt the sudden change of gift was to deliberate offend us. I understand financially circumstances change but as they are currently on holiday in Florida I don’t think they have been living hand to mouth.

I handed in my gifts and BIL looked embarrassed and said thank you I didn’t need need to. Then got a message for SIL saying they had decided not to really do Christmas this year ( oh they also never sent something for us which they usually do, not even a card) we did sent them a card and a small token as we always do.

After DC had opend the bubble baths I still contacted them to say thank for you for gift. I don’t have an issue with my DC getting a smaller gift. What I am cross about is that an adult would use it as an opportunity to offend us.

My own DD Birthday is next month, am I wrong to be considered contacting in the laws ahead of time and ask them not to send a gift as we won’t be reciprocating Birthday or Christmas gifts from now on?

Financially our circumstances have changed as I have a new job which is less money while I train. I just feel why should I spend a few hundred pounds of them this year for birthdays and Christmas gifts for DC to get a bubble bath?! When I could put that money to better use?

Ok the other hand I don’t like the idea of cutting the DC out they haven the dinner anything!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Millionsofthings · 12/01/2019 12:44

*when they haven’t done anything

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/01/2019 12:44

Then say we won’t be doing fits any longer but invite all the children for a Christmas get together instead

Passthepigs · 12/01/2019 12:46

Don’t message. Just buy within your means for their children. It is the children’s fault the adults are being petty, but if you can only afford smaller gifts from now on then that’s what you should buy.

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 12:47

I think you should continue to be the bigger person - one day your kids might appreciate having cousins they'e in contact with. On the other hand I would go for cheaper gifts since money is more tight and there really is no need to spend hundreds of pounds on nieces and nephews. You could buy smaller, thoughtful but cheaper gifts.

ZenNudist · 12/01/2019 12:47

Sounds perfectly reasonable

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/01/2019 12:52

yes I would do that, it sounds like it's for the best to stop it now

Confusedbeetle · 12/01/2019 12:56

Why not suggest while you are happy to give presents, that each side buys some samll thoughtful gift limit of say £20. I note that you have always been aware of the costs, which says something

LL83 · 12/01/2019 12:58

I think you are the bigger person and have done the right thing. If you are earning less then cut back a bit but other than that I would carry on as usual. As you say it isn't niece and nephews fault.

If SIL was trying to offend you then the best way to irritate her is not to let her know you even noticed.

If your BIL was embarrassed I expect they will buy better birthday gift anyway.

theredjellybean · 12/01/2019 13:19

i find the excuse ' oh we are not really doing christmas this year'
really effing annoying....its fine if that is how you feel but you tel everyone beforehand...surely 'if your not doing christmas' then you dont want your dc getting gifts from other people..cus surely that goes against your knew found belief about ' not doing christmas'.

your sil sounds like a cheeky f&&ker and yep definitely scoring points using the kids presents as a way to upset you.

Id rise above it but definitely not buy anymore gifts ...if they do buy for your dd birthday and question why you did not reciprocate i'd say 'sorry we are not really doing over commercialised consumerism this year'

Yabbers · 12/01/2019 13:22

You bought their DC gifts. They bought your DC gifts. They said they weren’t really doing Christmas.

I’m not sure why any of this is you “being the bigger person”. You either wanted their DC to have those gifts or not. Why is it relevant what they bought your DC?

I think you’re overthinking it and need to accept whatever gifts your DD is given for her birthday with thanks.

Juells · 12/01/2019 13:25

Small presents from now on. Perhaps I'm mean (perhaps?) but I'd never have given such expensive presents to five children anyway. Find something that costs the equivalent of bubble bath, without actually being bubble bath Grin

Houseonahill · 12/01/2019 13:27

Why don't you just wait and see if they get your DD anything for her birthday and respond accordingly? Seems like you jumping the gun a bit

Bringbackthestripes · 12/01/2019 13:27

Ok the other hand I don’t like the idea of cutting the DC out they haven the dinner anything!!

So don’t. I have a similar situation and, whilst it annoys me my DC are not given a second thought, I wouldn’t dream of being the same way and doing that to my nephews and niece. I don’t spend a fortune but always take the time to buy something decent and nice as It isn’t the kids fault their parents are awful.
If you were on good terms you would still buy something for them, despite your drop in earnings, so why would you stop? That would make you the same as you SIL & BIL. Just spend less.

duckling84 · 12/01/2019 13:28

What's wrong with bubble bath? Was it one of huge 3d character ones? That's alright as a gift. And just because they are having a nice holiday doesn't mean they haven't been living hand to mouth. Maybe they've only been able to afford it buy massively cutting back and just haven't had the spare money this year. I think that's acceptable.
Don't spend so much on theirs if you can no longer afford it. I don't understand the deliberate insult though. I think you are reading too much into things

Drum2018 · 12/01/2019 13:29

They have obviously stopped because of the disagreement and feel that the relationship has been damaged. If it were me I would cease all gift buying, as unless they maintain the same level of gift it seems you will just be unhappy. Then if you buy a small token gift for one of their kids and they go all out and buy a big gift for your child, you will probably be embarrassed. So just put a stop to it. Given they spent so little this year I don't think it would be appropriate to suggest an amount going forward.

Perhaps their holiday to Florida cost them a lot and they probably should have sent a text out before Christmas stating that they were cutting back on gifts.

Consolidatedyourloins · 12/01/2019 13:29

I disagree with pp.

I would just have DH drop a text to his DB and say Millionsofthings has had to move to another job, and money is tight now so we have to cut back on expenses, and this means you will no longer be able to do presents.

Please don't waste hundreds of pounds you can ill afford. The parents are taking the kids to Florida, they can buy their kids whateer they wish.

elvis86 · 12/01/2019 13:30

Oh FFS yes - I couldn't be arsed with this petty crap on your SIL's part.

Just send a message as a direct response to your SIL's message about "Not really doing Christmas this year" - agree that she was right, and that you should stop gifts from now on.

Sending cursory gifts back and forth won't maintain the family relationships. Only time spent together can do that.

Confusedbeetle - I guess it was inevitable that someone would pick up on the fact that the OP mentioned the cost of gifts. The OP hasn't come across as grabby at all - she was clearly explaining for context that the existing difference in money spent previously hasn't been an issue.

I agree that after a recent fall-out, the sudden reduction in gifts seems like a deliberate, petty statement. Perhaps there's a reason BIL and SIL have alienated the rest of the family?

Consolidatedyourloins · 12/01/2019 13:30

Agreed Drum2018

Belindabauer · 12/01/2019 13:30

I agree with theredjellybean

GabsAlot · 12/01/2019 13:31

not the kids fault but u dont need to spend so much i spend 20 each on my nieces and nephews the most-i dont have dc myself

KC225 · 12/01/2019 13:34

Did they do 'bubble bath' gift to everyone or just to your family?

winterisstillcoming · 12/01/2019 13:44

Just text her and say 'thank goodness you scaled back the gifts this year, let's keep it that way in the future. Enjoynflorida, can't wait to hear about it all'

Singlenotsingle · 12/01/2019 13:44

How on earth can they "not do Christmas" when they've got FIVE children?

Pinkyyy · 12/01/2019 13:45

Do you always give to receive? What you get in return has nothing to do with that you want to buy for your own nieces and nephews.

Juells · 12/01/2019 13:50

Pinkyyy
Do you always give to receive? What you get in return has nothing to do with that you want to buy for your own nieces and nephews.

I'm always amazed at how noble some MN posters are.

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