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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am right to cancel all gifts from now on?

52 replies

Millionsofthings · 12/01/2019 12:41

Asking for opinions on what you would do when you have received a gift designed to be an insult?

Bit if background. We had always gotten on well with BIL and SIL, even though other family members didn’t we always tried to keep in touch and tried to support them when they had a few issues.

We have 2 Dc which they buy for at Christmas and Birthdays and they spend £20-25 on them each. They have 5 DC which we buy for again both Christmas and Birthdays and we spend £30-40 on each of them. Obviously I have always been aware we spend but it’s never bothered me, they are our nieces and nephews.

All was well until a few moths ago when there was a disagreement in the family. Although things have been strained I still purchased what I usually would for the DC.

However at Christmas our DC received the absolute basic of gifts. Not even a small toy, nope it was a bottle of bubble bath each. No card. No sweets.

I felt the sudden change of gift was to deliberate offend us. I understand financially circumstances change but as they are currently on holiday in Florida I don’t think they have been living hand to mouth.

I handed in my gifts and BIL looked embarrassed and said thank you I didn’t need need to. Then got a message for SIL saying they had decided not to really do Christmas this year ( oh they also never sent something for us which they usually do, not even a card) we did sent them a card and a small token as we always do.

After DC had opend the bubble baths I still contacted them to say thank for you for gift. I don’t have an issue with my DC getting a smaller gift. What I am cross about is that an adult would use it as an opportunity to offend us.

My own DD Birthday is next month, am I wrong to be considered contacting in the laws ahead of time and ask them not to send a gift as we won’t be reciprocating Birthday or Christmas gifts from now on?

Financially our circumstances have changed as I have a new job which is less money while I train. I just feel why should I spend a few hundred pounds of them this year for birthdays and Christmas gifts for DC to get a bubble bath?! When I could put that money to better use?

Ok the other hand I don’t like the idea of cutting the DC out they haven the dinner anything!!

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 12/01/2019 13:53

This is your husband's brother's family? What does your husband think? Has he discussed presents with his brother? If not, get them to talk and decide what the present situation should be so that nobody is offended or embarrassed or overstretching their budget. Ultimately theirs is the primary relationship.

elvis86 · 12/01/2019 13:56

"I'm always amazed at how noble some MN posters are."

It's inspirational, isn't it Juells..?

Yulebealrite · 12/01/2019 13:57

I wouldn't do or say anything and see what they get for your DD on her birthday. They might have been embarrassed enough at Christmas to go back to normal.
Then I'd gradually over time decrease the value of your gifts until they are in line with what they spend. I wouldn't do it all at once for the kids sake.

homeishere · 12/01/2019 14:02

Love all the comments about how kid’s bubble bath is a good present. It’s shite. It’s a standard staple you buy for your kids with the shopping and a stocking filler at best.

It’s especially shit if the kids are used to having £20 odd spent on them as that’ll be a Lego set/proper toy etc. It’s then obvious to the parents that the family row has caused this shit, scummy behaviour from their children’s aunt and uncle. Very poor.

And if you’re too hard up to afford to maintain previous standards then explain in advance and don’t get off on holiday to Florida immediately after Christmas.

I’d sack off future presents to them and their kids, but don’t dress it up as any bigger person nonsense. Just explain that it was pretty shitty behaviour and you’d rather not engage with it in the future. I also wouldn’t have made my children write a tank you note for bubble bath. Unless it was heavily laced with irony.

‘Dear Aunty Cheapskate and Uncle Mothwallet, thank you very much for the amazing 300ml bottle of Matey’s bubble bath. Was it the same one that was 2 for £1 in Asda recently?! What a bargain. I especially enjoyed my bath tonight with it, and look forward to opening your bottle when I’ve used up the one mummy and daddy bought last week when doing the weekly shop. Enjoy Florida and the theme parks, see you when you get back.’

homeishere · 12/01/2019 14:03

If it is your DH’s family why does it matter what he thinks? You’re not his chattel.

trulybadlydeeply · 12/01/2019 14:08

I don't think there is any need to do anything at this point. Wait and see what they give your DD for her birthday. If they don't give anything at all then you can do the same, and stop exchanging gifts. If they give her something small, then you can reciprocate if you wish to, just a small gift under £5 (still possible to buy something perfectly nice for that).

Don't worry about not giving them gifts. Your nieces and nephews will likely not look back and remember the gifts you gave them, but will remember the fun they had spending time with their cousins.

elephantinstripeysocks · 12/01/2019 14:08

i was a child of a bad divorce and one year the gifts from my fathers family just stopped. fast forward to 10 years later i found out my DM had told them to stop, but she played dumb on christmas day to us and made out my aunties and uncles were just mean. it tainted my view on them of how they could treat a child like that.

If I were you I would just send a selection box. The children probably wont notice the size difference from last year (my DC dont ever realise/comment how much people have spent and theyre early teens) lets the children know youre still there and thinking of them while not being taken for a mug by CF BIL/SIL.

NicolaStart · 12/01/2019 14:09

Wait and see what happens on your Dd's birthday.

They might realise they fucked up at Christmas and compensate with a generous proper gift.

I wouldn't do anything to escalate the feud / disagreement until you see what happens at the birthday.

Also - this is your DH's call, not yours.

I would be very cross with DH if he approached my side of the family with an such proposal in the midst or aftermath of a disagreement.

If your Dd gets more bubble bath, then suggest your DH talks about stopping gifts, "everyone getting more short of cash" etc.

At Christmas they might have been hedging their bets, not gone extra generous expecting you and DH to have stopped gifts, but not wanting to stop kids gifts themselves.

Better to repair arguments than escalate them and increase the distance. When it is family. Unless the split is due to something so badly wrong that they are abusive, toxic etc.

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2019 14:10

I think it's fine to stop doing Xmas, or any other reciprocal thing for any reason, but you should say so beforehand. We don't do Xmas for adults but still do birthdays. It has been discussed so everyone knows and can do the same.

OurChristmasMiracle · 12/01/2019 14:16

I’m looking at it slightly differently. Maybe if they’ve booked a holiday to Florida they wasn’t able to afford expensive presents? I know if I had booked a holiday I wouldn’t have been able to afford presents.

I would message and say. Moving forwards due to job change we will only be doing small token gifts for all occasions which will release the financial pressure from you

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/01/2019 14:17

I’m not sure I read the smaller gift as a deliberate attempt to offend, more that the strained relationship is still there. They may feel awkward about buying for your DD at all while this hostility is still under the surface. I think it’s telling that you spend more on their DC than they do on yours. They might see that as PA.

I would accept the smaller gift at face value. Buy a similarly modest but thoughtfully chosen gift for their DD, and then deal with Christmas when you get there.

Juells · 12/01/2019 14:20

They might see that as PA.

Yeah, if they were searching for something to take offence at.

Ethel36 · 12/01/2019 14:23

Yes I agree with you. But I think you should accept whatever present ( if any appears) on her birthday and stop all presents for them. Just post nice cards for the children's birthday and for Xmas.

Inertia · 12/01/2019 14:25

Think I'd wait and see what happens for DD's birthday, then respond in a similar vein with birthday presents for their children. No need to say anything in advance then.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/01/2019 14:25

They might see that as PA.

Yeah, if they were searching for something to take offence at.

Thing is, they might be.

MrsChollySawcutt · 12/01/2019 14:34

What a load of petty shite. Does it really matter if their gifts were smaller and cost less than yours? If you can't afford it, then cut back and if you can then so what?

I just don't understand this tit for tat mentality at all.

Limensoda · 12/01/2019 14:37

If you want to buy people/children gifts then buy them.
Dont expect gifts, don't be offended if you don't get them, don't play tit for tat.....
I only buy gifts because I want to. I'm grateful if I get any but never expect others to reciprocate.

Juells · 12/01/2019 14:39

Thing is, they might be.

You're probably right! Some people can manage to be offended by anything.

wizzler · 12/01/2019 14:45

Irrespective of the issues with the family, you have less money to spend on Xmas and birthdays because of your new job.. so I suggest you use this as your opportunity to suggest dialing back spend on Xmas and birthdays. Just done this with my Dsis. I was spending £30 each on her two and she did the same.We be decided to stop as we never knew what to get. Life is much simpler!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2019 14:48

Your dcs will notice the disparity in gifts between what they are receiving and giving. I would absolutely reduce the amount you spend on your n&ns. You are teaching your children values. One value is not to give and get nothing in return. Not teaching children this can for example lead to financial abuse in a relationship. Of course a relationship isn’t purely a financial transaction but it has to be mutually satisfactory in some way ergo some kind of trade off.

As for what to say to your sil about the gifts. This ship sailed the moment you responded. You needed to say something at the time eg “Yes, good idea. A heads up would have been great.”

Pinkyyy · 12/01/2019 15:03

It's not being noble, the OP is clearly not giving for the right reasons.

starzig · 12/01/2019 15:27

I wouldnt stop I would just reduce the gifts to something more basic like a cheap toiletry set

gambaspilpil · 12/01/2019 16:02

My younger sister doesn’t send any of us cards for Xmas or birthdays. My sisters and I are older and always sent her DC presents for birthday and Xmas. Never received a thing back. After us having a few more DC and still receiving nothing we stopped. Although my older sister gets the kids a selection box each. interestingly my DM wasn’t happy about us stopping but wasn’t bothered that she never even sent a card.it wasn’t about gifts as I don’t give to receive it was her ability to accept without thanks or even a card. She wasn’t poor and happily bought for her OH family! The DC didn’t even know who the presents were from as she didn’t even bother getting them to read the label...

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/01/2019 16:14

If their parents can take them to Florida, they can buy them decent presents. Agree you should send a text saying that as your earnings are now reduced you will be sticking to £10 per child going forward and not doing gifts for adults.
Sil was mean and it has now bitten her on the arse, since you always spent more on her DC than she did on yours.

Pinkyyy · 12/01/2019 18:24

If their parents can take them to Florida, they can buy them decent presents

How ridiculous, perhaps they saved for their holiday so could only afford to spend a little on Christmas. Regardless, what they choose to spend their money on is none of the OP's business.