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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SDD just got engaged. AIBU?

78 replies

Genuinelyshocked012 · 12/01/2019 00:09

Relatively new SDD. Have name changed for obvious reasons.

We have a good relationship, still getting to know each other but still quite close. Mother is not in the picture, I suppose I am the nearest thing to a mother figure that she has. She confides in me quite a lot.

She is 19 and at uni. Boyfriend is 20. They’ve just announced they are engaged.

They’ve met four months ago, been dating for three. He used to live near her uni but has moved an hour away, he drives to see her regularly. They manage the distance well.

He’s a nice guy, genuinely madly in love with her and SDD certainly seems madly in love with him.

They’ve had fights due to his family creating major issues and they made it through that, so I suppose you could say their relationship has been ‘tested.’

From what I gather, her boyfriend had a bit of an illustrious past but is now on the straight and narrow. This is all she has told me. Like I said, a lovely man. Will apparently do anything for her.

However, AIBU to be concerned by the fact she is engaged so young? Would IBU to talk to her about it?

Her dad/DH won’t say anything, but I’m so worried by her young age and the shortness of the relationship.

Or should I just mind my own business and accept that they’re young and in love and will do what they please?

FWIW, they don’t intend to set a date for at least a year. But they are entirely serious, she has a lovely ring and everything.

Also I don’t want to seem bitter- I’m delighted she has a nice boyfriend, but I think she’d be better off keeping him as just her boyfriend, for now!

OP posts:

Jent13c · 12/01/2019 09:00

I was engaged at 19, married at 20. Still doing fine 6 1/2 years later. Like someone else said many people meet their spouse at uni so it's not really unusual. It probably is a bit of family pressure from his side that they dont agree with him living with her whilst they are just going out or whatever. If they are both happy then leave them to it, it will either run its course which is fine or they will be married in a few years which again is fine.

lola006 · 12/01/2019 09:00

I was engaged at 19. It was a quick fix to all of our problems (we’d only been together 6months, there really shouldn’t have been that many problems!). It was called off a couple months later and we broke up entirely about 2 months after that.

What I remember from the whole mess is how non-judgemental my family was. No ‘I told you so’ when it ended. It doesn’t even get talked about anymore. Just be there for her :)

AnoukSpirit · 12/01/2019 09:03

your main goal now is just to make sure it's always easy for her to talk to you, so that if problems do arise you can be there

It all comes back to this really.

Lovemusic33 · 12/01/2019 09:06

I got engaged at 18 too, I was madly in love with him and he was with me, we met at college but eventually work tore us apart (he wanted to change his career which kind of messed up our long term plans) and we split. He was my first real love and I still hold a torch for him but we both married and had kids (me now divorced).

I would just let them get on with it, they don’t plan on getting married this year, a lot can happen in a year when you have only been together 4 months. It will either work out or it won’t.

Politicalacuityisathing · 12/01/2019 09:10

I wonder if there is more influence from his religious background? I had friends at uni who were religious and got engaged very quickly (and some did get married eventually). I believe it was so they could feel more comfortable having sex "honest God, I will marry her eventually so this ain't really a sin". The need to have "proper" relationships sanctified by God will be more powerful for him perhaps so the being engaged is a sign that he takes the relationship seriously. The only way he knows from his background to demonstrate this.

As others have said, it will work or it won't but when I was 19 I would be baffled by a parent feeling they had so much invested in my actions. She is young but she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and mistakes.

45andahalf · 12/01/2019 09:13

I think you’d be best keeping out of it. If it all goes wrong, she’ll be more likely to confide in you if you have been supportive and non-judgemental or critical throughout. And who know? It might last. My parents got engaged at that age and were happily married for 35 years, until mum died.

sonjadog · 12/01/2019 09:18

I work with this age group and it is very common for them to get engaged. But the majority never make it to marriage. I think it is more a way of saying that this is a relationship which is serious not casual, rather than a big commitment. Just let it run its course.

JaceLancs · 12/01/2019 09:22

I wouldn’t worry
I’ve been engaged 3 times - only 1 led to marriage
DD was engaged - wedding booked - still ended up breaking up and is now in a relationship with new man

WH1SPERS · 12/01/2019 09:22

Is he is very religious then he may wish to get engaged because it will make him feel less guilty about having a sexual relationship outside marriage.

It might not lead to a wedding, as others have said. Young couples typically want a very expensive wedding and expect others to pay for it. So NOT rushing to pay for things will probably make them delay their plans . And of course, time is just what they need.

Please tell me that she is smart about contraception? Is her DF from a religion who are against “artificial” contraception ?

WH1SPERS · 12/01/2019 09:24

Oops I see political acuity just said this. Must learn to refresh thread .

countrygirl99 · 12/01/2019 09:27

You could try encouraging expensive ideas for the wedding so they save for ages. If they make it, good for them. If it's any help my son got engaged 2 years ago and we are delighted with his choice. They planned a short engagement. But every so often they start to plan, look at venues etc and the cost frightens them off. Her family would be travelling from abroad so they don't want something dead basic but I think it will be eventually.

Postino · 12/01/2019 09:31

If she seems open to it please have a chat about contraception!

Sounds like she's in for a rough ride with his family as long as they're together, married or not.

My guess is having lost her mother and with a difficult relationship with her father, she's searching for stability. But we're usually in no state to choose a life partner at 19, plus the family issue, plus the boyfriend's dodgy past.

Just be there for her if you can, and if you're prepared to - sounds like you haven't known her that long and your relationship with her father is still fairly new.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 12/01/2019 09:34

You are part of the welcoming party not the selection committee as my father used to repeat under his breath on meeting siblings new partners Just make sure before they book anything - if it gets that far - that she gets a wedding insurance policy. And never say it won't last/it's a phase!! It sounds like they want to stick to fingers up at his parents because otherwise getting engaged at 19 after 3 months to a guy that lives an hour a way is pretty stupid.

moredoll · 12/01/2019 09:40

Make sure you get insurance when booking the reception etc. They are very young. But I wish them the best of luck.

Lizzie48 · 12/01/2019 09:42

Please tell me that she is smart about contraception? Is her DF from a religion who are against “artificial” contraception ?

This has occurred to me as well.

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/01/2019 09:43

Getting engaged is pretty much meaningless as there is no real commitment. If they were buying a house together or actually planning a wedding it might be different but even then as a parent or parental influence there is a limit to what you can or should do when you think your child is making a bad decision.

Pachyderm1 · 12/01/2019 09:45

Her age wouldn’t concern me but the fact that they’ve only been together 4 months is a big worry. I would be advising a long engagement to give them plenty of time to break up before they’re married.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/01/2019 09:45

As a new Step Mum I'd stay out of it. As PP have said it's not uncommon for young people to get and engage, the novelty may well wear off. Perhaps it's a bit of attention seeking, as you say she and her Dad aren't getting on very well.

Pachyderm1 · 12/01/2019 09:46

Getting engaged is pretty much meaningless as there is no real commitment.

It’s sad that this is the case now an engagement should be a real and firm commitment to get married.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 12/01/2019 09:59

I'd stay out of it as in her case it's unlikely to lead to marriage. My sister and her boyfriend got engaged at 19 but they are those types of sensible people who were born 40-years-old IYKWIM. They'd been 'together' since they were 14 and were both at college/apprenticeships. They got married 6 months later and still are 21 years later with 3 kids, have a small mortgage, decent finances but they planned like hell for everything. They are also both practising Catholics. They weren't typical 19-year-olds (he had been abandoned by his mother and brought up by his dad and his dad's girlfriend with her kids and their son together. our family had been racked by my sister's early death, my dad's laziness, Mum was an alcoholic and our brother has autism, so they were both super mature for their ages).

Surfingtheweb · 12/01/2019 10:50

Being engaged is just a title really isn't it, it's only been 4 months, they could very soon grow bored of each other or when they get to know each other properly not actually like each other that much.
I'd buy them an engagement card, be nice about the whole thing & see what happens. One of my friends was engaged about 4 times when we were teenagers.
When it comes to booking & paying for weddings, most graduates wouldn't have the money to do it.

TheBigBangRocks · 12/01/2019 11:13

Not much you can do but smile and congratulate. They are unlikely to last and if they want to wait three years until they marry then realistically will they even have the money then after uni as sounds like they want a big wedding. Can't see his parents paying for it so just wait it out.

TheBigBangRocks · 12/01/2019 11:14

It’s sad that this is the case now, an engagement should be a real and firm commitment to get married

I know, now it's like the latest fad. Even the committee of marriage seems to have become more about the big day and less about the vows and to death do we part.

Redcrayonisthebest · 12/01/2019 12:18

Leave them be. Be excited and interested and willing to listen if things aren't going well. Chances are that either:
A) she's met "the one" very young, lucky her.
B) it'll fizzle out in its own.
C) it'll go pear shaped at some point before or after the marriage and she'll Need to turn to you for support.

Making negative comments now will only push her away.

Owwlie · 12/01/2019 12:25

If his family have pushed so far that he's now not talking to them I'd guess the engagement is probably a reaction to that. To 'show' his family how serious they are. Good chance at that age (and given the situation with his family) that it'll fizzle out or end in a big row. So I'd leave them to it. Even if they book stuff, the worst that'll happen there is they lose money.

That being said it could be serious and could work out happily for them. Just leave them be and only 'have a word' if it gets really worrying (like her having to convert to his religion, which is something his family may push for if they continue with the enagagement).

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