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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SDD just got engaged. AIBU?

78 replies

Genuinelyshocked012 · 12/01/2019 00:09

Relatively new SDD. Have name changed for obvious reasons.

We have a good relationship, still getting to know each other but still quite close. Mother is not in the picture, I suppose I am the nearest thing to a mother figure that she has. She confides in me quite a lot.

She is 19 and at uni. Boyfriend is 20. They’ve just announced they are engaged.

They’ve met four months ago, been dating for three. He used to live near her uni but has moved an hour away, he drives to see her regularly. They manage the distance well.

He’s a nice guy, genuinely madly in love with her and SDD certainly seems madly in love with him.

They’ve had fights due to his family creating major issues and they made it through that, so I suppose you could say their relationship has been ‘tested.’

From what I gather, her boyfriend had a bit of an illustrious past but is now on the straight and narrow. This is all she has told me. Like I said, a lovely man. Will apparently do anything for her.

However, AIBU to be concerned by the fact she is engaged so young? Would IBU to talk to her about it?

Her dad/DH won’t say anything, but I’m so worried by her young age and the shortness of the relationship.

Or should I just mind my own business and accept that they’re young and in love and will do what they please?

FWIW, they don’t intend to set a date for at least a year. But they are entirely serious, she has a lovely ring and everything.

Also I don’t want to seem bitter- I’m delighted she has a nice boyfriend, but I think she’d be better off keeping him as just her boyfriend, for now!

OP posts:
whataboutus7 · 12/01/2019 01:20

To be fair, it used to be absolutely and utterly NORMAL to get engaged after four months. For some, it does actually work.

whataboutus7 · 12/01/2019 01:23

That said, I think it's a bit off he didn't speak to your husband first.

Original poster
Genuinelyshocked012 · 12/01/2019 01:26

Thank you everyone, I won’t mention it. Of course it would be lovely if it worked out for them, especially as he’s now not talking to his parents due to their disapproval of her! Like I said, purely as they are a certain religion and she is not.

OP posts:
FridgeFullOfChocolate · 12/01/2019 01:27

Just smile and congratulate them on their happy news. They aren't going to have the means to get married anytime soon, I could just about pay rent and afford the £1 a drink student nights at 19. If it works out for them great they'll marry after she graduates, if not it'll just fizzle when she gets bored.

I know plenty of people who married the person they dated at 18/19, lots of them met in freshers week, although everyone I know got engaged 10 years or so later. You can obviously have a serious relationship and find "the one" at 19, so I wouldn't be brushing off them getting engaged as silly (even if you really think that!).

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2019 01:35

I tend to agree with the say nothing, congratulate, watch and wait brigade.

I also think not offering to pay for anything (for now) is the way to go as they won't be able to afford much. Once she finds out a dress might be 500 quid or more (!) and anything else, it may make her wait and then the relationship can run its course.

It's lovely she has you and that you care.

Thanks
CJsGoldfish · 12/01/2019 02:58

I think it's a bit off he didn't speak to your husband first

WTF? How ridiculous, actually turns my stomach that anyone still thinks like that tbh.

In a perfect world, no one would be getting engaged at 19 but it happens. The odds of a happy ever after are pretty slim so hopefully she realises sooner rather than later. Until then, congratulate, smile and ride it out.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 12/01/2019 03:01

The age isn’t an issue. That they’ve only been together four months and are in a long distance relationship is an issue. But it will fizzle out so you’ll just have to wait.

Itsnotme123 · 12/01/2019 03:25

I agree with everyone here. They’ve only known each other for a few months, so chances are they will split up and she keeps a very nice ring. Wish them well, watch with interest.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 12/01/2019 03:37

You can do nothing but be there, I got engaged at 18 after one month. I married at 21. divorced at 22. Only after that could I talk about the issues with the people who stood by me. If you try to intervene she won’t have you when she needs you. If all is well then it won’t be needed at all :)

HoneysuckIejasmine · 12/01/2019 03:38

I don't understand. She's a "new" sdd of a year, but you are married to her father?

I wouldn't worry too much, it sounds like they plan to wait and things may well fizzle out before any wedding.

ChristmasFlary · 12/01/2019 03:41

As all have said above - be positive, welcome him into your family, give a card and gift..... and say nothing about your concerns.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/01/2019 08:17

Mother or step mother, my advice would be the same. Don’t react negatively but also don’t go dragging her round wedding dress shops! Just sort of leave them be. And be ready to be a non-judgemental listening ear.

Maybe occasionally drop stories that would make her see that calling off an engagement/ wedding wouldn’t be judged by anyone. I know I knew I shouldn’t go through with my wedding but I was too scared to call it off.

I think the worst thing would be to try and talk her out of it. As her fiancé’s family have discovered, that just pushes them closer together.

There is plenty of time, and if she feels supported by you and her dad then she will hopefully able to break it off if it doesn’t feel right later down the line.

Turniptracker · 12/01/2019 08:22

She is an adult and needs to be able to learn from her own mistakes. My auntie and uncle got married at 20 having known each other for 6 weeks (by choice). Just celebrated 45 years together so you just can't judge how it will turn out

flowery · 12/01/2019 08:25

DH and I got engaged when I was 18 he was 19. His family reacted very badly. My family basically said very little.

We got married a year after leaving university, still together now, 20 years later. My relationship with his family is brilliant now, but their reaction then made it very difficult for quite a while. And of course made no difference at all to our decision.

Celtic1hair · 12/01/2019 08:30

I was engaged at 17 after two months Blush. Ten years later we got married & three children later all is fine so it can work out! However it was a loooong engagement so to be honest looking back the best thing my horrified parents did was smile and ignore! It will either work out or not, same as any relationship at that age, the engagement is really irrelevant tbh, so don't ruin your relationship with her over it!

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 12/01/2019 08:33

Phew... support, support, smile and nod. No wedding for 3 years sounds great Grin

And you never know, it might work. My DSis got married at 18 and is still happily married 14 years on.

chocatoo · 12/01/2019 08:36

It possibly won’t last. Some people see engagement as a way of signalling how serious their relationship is. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, just enjoy getting to know him. Maybe you and DH should drive over and take them out for a low key but lovely celebration lunch? It’s nice that she has someone nice!

Shallishanti123 · 12/01/2019 08:38

So he’s “A certain religion” (Muslim?) and she’s not and it’s causing family problems. Are you worried about that? Or that she’s planning on getting married?

She’s only young. A lot can change and who knows what the future holds? At least they’re planning on waiting a few years :)

Veganforlife · 12/01/2019 08:42

I did the same at uni ,engaged after 4 months together.first boyfriend.4 kids later and 26 years we are still married..our parents tried to stick the knife in many times.it just made us more determined ....she's an adult ,just listen when she talks to you..don't push her away ,keep your views to yourself

Cwtches123 · 12/01/2019 08:43

I got married at 19 within a year of meeting. Marriage ended in divorce 16 years later (infertility was a major factor).
We were young but I don't regret it, we had a lot of happy times together and lasted longer than many relationships!
Support her and listen, be there if she needs you. It might run its course, it might be a match for life.
Don't assume that they don't know what they are doing because they are young.

Peanutss · 12/01/2019 08:46

That said, I think it's a bit off he didn't speak to your husband first

I thought we'd moved past this seeing women as their fathers/husband's property mindset.

My DH never asked my father and I wouldn't have wanted him to, it's not up to my Dad who has permission to marry me thank you.

OP I think you should just be there and be supportive. Not over the top jumping for joy, but a shoulder and an ear for her to talk to. I definitely wouldn't offer any money at the moment. Essentially they wouldn't actually be getting married for another 3/4 years from your OP at which point they may have built up quite a solid relationship or as others say, it could run its course well before then.

I had a few friends at this age who got engaged. None of them actually went through with it.

cooldarkroom · 12/01/2019 08:52

I think I would smile & at some point gently add, (smile) you are still very young, & have a lot of things to learn, (smile). Just promise me to finish Uni, & not have a baby just yet (smile)

If my bf at uni had asked me to get engaged, I would've said yes, (we spent 9 years together, then he dumped me from a height)

InfiniteVariety · 12/01/2019 08:52

her boyfriend had a bit of an illustrious past but is now on the straight and narrow

I don't think you mean illustrious - do you mean dubious/criminal?

C0untDucku1a · 12/01/2019 08:54

Youve already reacted so do nothing else. Dont be positive about it any more than polite. You don't want to encourage it. Don't be negative towards it, any more than a gentle reminder she is there to get a degree first, and only if the situation calls for it.

Petalflowers · 12/01/2019 08:57

I wouldn’t say anything but congratulate them and be supportive.

If they don’t plan to marry for years, then it may fizzle out.

Maybe the engagement is to make it more official in light of his family.