To be upset with best friend over reaction to death

[rosewater09]

Two weeks ago a very close relative developed sepsis and died within 48 hours. I was thankfully home for the holidays and was able to be with my relative the whole time. The process of watching her die an excruciating death coupled with how unexpected it was has left me devastated but what has also surprised me is the lack of support that I received from my best friend of 25 years.

Best friend knew my relative well and knows how close I was to my relative. When my relative was admitted to the ICU, I messaged my best friend to tell her that I was staying in town and would by my relative's side until she passed. Best friend (who lives 10 minutes from the hospital) responded with "I'm sorry." I didn't hear from her again until I messaged her 48 hours later to tell her my relative had passed away and that I was in shock and devested. Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, I know how you feel because I have had a bad day too." I was shocked by her message and couldn't believe that she was equating a bad day to the death of my relative (turns out best friend was just stressed over about work). At this point, I was inconsolable with grief and didn't have the mindset to respond to what I felt was an inconsiderate message, and so I did not respond.

Four days later she sent me a message asking if I could help her pick out furniture for her new house, she ended the message by saying "hope you're feeling better!" I ignored her request to help her pick out furniture and instead said "thank you for asking, I am not feeling better. I am devasted and in shock and just trying to keep it together to help my family deal with the legal aspects of the passing and plan the funeral." Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, does it help to know that other people in the world are suffering too." I felt the message was again minimising what I was going through and was not comforting at all.

Best friend works in mental health (she is a therapist) and she has also experienced the grief of losing close family members, so this isn't the case of her not knowing how to respond correctly or not understanding what grief feels like. I don't feel as if her messages are a real attempt at expressing condolence because they seem to centre on her (her bad day, her furniture and I am just an afterthought). When I reflect on the relationship I can see a pattern of this behaviour where when we get together she focuses on talking about her life and her problems, and she doesn't ask questions about me or my life. These are things that I have laughed off in the past, but now I can't seem to get past it.

What I am trying to figure out is if I am blowing this out of proportion? And if not, should I say something to her or should I ignore it?

rosewater the other thing that occurred to me is that some people are so egocentric that they only ever want the attention constantly on them and can't cope with the fact that life isn't about them all the time. That was very much the case with my ex-friend.

Like many have said on this (and other threads about long-term friendships that unravel), patterns of behaviour can become so engrained into the fabric of the relationship that you don't realise it is so unbalanced. If you're the one who's always done all the caring, all the worrying in that friendship (as I used to, in mine), a tragedy or crisis in your own life suddenly shines a spotlight on that unhealthy dynamic.

Haven't read whole thread but just want say a definite yanbu, can't believe she works in mental health! appalling way to react from anyone, so insensitive, I thought you were going to say she was young, inexperienced, not had close relatives die etc

I don't think I could bring myself to contact her again. So sorry for your loss

Having now read more it brought back to me how people reacted when my dad died. Mum's sister made inappropriate comments and comparisons to my mum about knowing how she felt because her dh had divorced her!

Unfortunately now that sister's grandchild has now died and my mum can't seem to accept that that is actually quite horrendous for her niece and she keeps saying stuff about "she isn't the only one grieving". It's quite embarrassing to hear, my dm really doesn't get it and while I'm ashamed of her lack of insensitivity, I think she only says it to me and I always say that it's no competition and her niece can grieve in what ever way she wants ( Facebook is involved a lot that dm disapproves of) I realise she still needs her grief acknowledged but I don't understand her, it's almost like she is jealous of not being the centre of attention the family any more

I'd not message her - if she tries to carry on as if nothing is wrong you will have the measure of her, as you will if she makes no contact. Life is short and at times we have to shed people and things that contribute nothing positive to it.

Similar happened to me when I lost my dsis in a car crash.

"Friend" sent a card comparing it to the loss of her mums dog . Sorry but no.
I had lost pets and while devastated it had no comparison to losing a 42 year old in a car accident.

It really altered how I felt about her and I gradually felt myself distancing her more and more until we no longer spoke at all.

I don't think this woman is being much a friend to you when you're clearly in need of support. I'd back right off if you can't manage the whole explanation (I just couldn't be arsed to start to try and explain why losing your dearest relative wasn't comparable to the dog dying of old age )
for you op X

Condolences to you Rose. How appalling; it's so difficult to take in a loss when it's happened as suddenly as this. The shock must be devastating.

I'm not sure how helpful this will be to you but my only response to your friend's appallingly insensitive behaviour would be to block her on every piece of media to which you both have access. When people are this lacking in empathy, I find conversation with them to be pointless. Personally, I'd stonewall her; no explanations necessary.

Sounds to me like your friend has an issue with you and didn't really want to be there for you during this time.

Her responses are so obviously inappropriate that it makes me think she wanted to upset you a bit. Maybe you did something she didn't like, or maybe she feels you are just drifting apart and is trying to hammer that message home? That can happen over the longterm.

I wouldn't bother trying to figure out what the problem is, I would just stop making an effort with her and focus on other friends because she sounds like a shit friend who you don't need.

Then again I don't know her - maybe she has a lot of great qualities that haven't been mentioned here. Whether or not you delve deeper into figuring out what her problem is with you is really dependent on how much you value the friendship. Only you know if it's worth it.

I'm really sorry for your loss, that sounds horrible. I know it's tempting but don't focus on your "friend" too much, just focus on you and your family. Your real friends will show their faces now and help you through xx

I had a best friend like this before. I've not suffered with any losses that have been particularly close to me, but she was always super selfish about everything she could possibly be selfish about. We're no longer friends.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

@Turniptracker, I have been trying to think of a reason that could cause her to act like this but haven't been able to come up with anything. Of course, I could have done something that I am unaware of, but even if that were the case, she could have had a conversation with me about it instead of acting like this. When she had a sick relative (who ended up living) a few years ago, I called and messaged her daily to check on her and see how she was doing (I was living abroad at the time). I am not asking for daily check-ins but the fact that she hasn't even taken the time to pick up the phone to call me or at the very least send one heartfelt message speaks volumes to me. I suspect that what is happening is that she isn't even thinking about me or what I am going through and is instead focused on herself which again speaks volumes.

Having read all of the advice on here and after speaking with my DP about it, I feel like the best course of action is to do nothing right now. If she reaches out to me (It has been almost a week since she messaged me last about her furniture), I can craft the correct response, but right now I need to concentrate on getting my life back in order and helping my family.

What I can say is that this experience has shown me who in my life does care about me and that is a critical lesson to learn. I have a good friend who lives abroad who have called or messaged me daily over the past two weeks and a woman who I only recently met and became friends found out about the passing through the grapevine and sent me the most heartwarming and sweet card. My DP has also been a great source of comfort for me, and when I called to tell him that my relative was in the ICU, he immediately booked a plane ticket and flew across the country to be there with me.

rosewater those are the people to have in your life, the ones who will hop on a flight, send you a lovely card with kind words, not the self-centred ones who don't have the emotional capacity to deal with the most basic of emotions of bereavement, grief and sadness.

This person has sadly not been there for you, well fine their loss. The last thing you need at a time like this is to have to fathom out why they're behaving like a tool. x

I am so sorry for your loss.
You are going through a very difficult time now and you need to protect yourself.

Maybe she is always this selfish, but now, you could get 'over angry' at her stupidity, when you are actually angry because of what just happened with your relative, that your friendship would not recover.

Step away. Surround yourself with kind people. Hopefully in the future you can forgive her rekindle your friendship, and laugh again together.
But for now, step away and mind yourself x