To be upset with best friend over reaction to death

[rosewater09]

Two weeks ago a very close relative developed sepsis and died within 48 hours. I was thankfully home for the holidays and was able to be with my relative the whole time. The process of watching her die an excruciating death coupled with how unexpected it was has left me devastated but what has also surprised me is the lack of support that I received from my best friend of 25 years.

Best friend knew my relative well and knows how close I was to my relative. When my relative was admitted to the ICU, I messaged my best friend to tell her that I was staying in town and would by my relative's side until she passed. Best friend (who lives 10 minutes from the hospital) responded with "I'm sorry." I didn't hear from her again until I messaged her 48 hours later to tell her my relative had passed away and that I was in shock and devested. Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, I know how you feel because I have had a bad day too." I was shocked by her message and couldn't believe that she was equating a bad day to the death of my relative (turns out best friend was just stressed over about work). At this point, I was inconsolable with grief and didn't have the mindset to respond to what I felt was an inconsiderate message, and so I did not respond.

Four days later she sent me a message asking if I could help her pick out furniture for her new house, she ended the message by saying "hope you're feeling better!" I ignored her request to help her pick out furniture and instead said "thank you for asking, I am not feeling better. I am devasted and in shock and just trying to keep it together to help my family deal with the legal aspects of the passing and plan the funeral." Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, does it help to know that other people in the world are suffering too." I felt the message was again minimising what I was going through and was not comforting at all.

Best friend works in mental health (she is a therapist) and she has also experienced the grief of losing close family members, so this isn't the case of her not knowing how to respond correctly or not understanding what grief feels like. I don't feel as if her messages are a real attempt at expressing condolence because they seem to centre on her (her bad day, her furniture and I am just an afterthought). When I reflect on the relationship I can see a pattern of this behaviour where when we get together she focuses on talking about her life and her problems, and she doesn't ask questions about me or my life. These are things that I have laughed off in the past, but now I can't seem to get past it.

What I am trying to figure out is if I am blowing this out of proportion? And if not, should I say something to her or should I ignore it?

Wow. When I saw the first message she sent (The first I am sorry)and the no contact for 48 hours, I was verging on maybe she didn't know what to say and wanted to give you space.

But the "I've had a bad day too" is just awful. As for the rest- well, she sounds awful.

I am very sorry for your loss.

@birdiewoof, I am so sorry for your loss. I was not prepared (I doubt anyone is) for how brutal the process of dying would be and I feel traumatised from it. Sepsis is not a nice way to go.

Reading all of the responses have made me realise that I am not unreasonable. I just now need to figure out if I just quietly let the friendship fizzle out and see what she does or if I call or message and explain how I am feeling.

@rosewater09 i too felt traumatised. The last image of her kept flashing into my mind and it wasn’t pleasant. That has faded now and I am able to remember her as she was before.

I wish I could give you some decent advice about your friend, I’m not sure how I would deal with it though

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Just now, I would ignore what's going on with your friend. You need to grieve and you need to give yourself space and time to recover from how gruelling this experience has been.
I'm sure it's tempting to confront your friend or send messages or re-evaluate the friendship but you don't need to do any of that. You just need to be gentle with yourself

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP, and for how unbelievably thoughtless your friend has been. We lost FIL suddenly to sepsis a year ago last week and we're still dealing with the trauma, so I have no words to describe the utter selfishness of your friend.

I think you have two options here: don't respond at all, and try to forget this person exists, or go nuclear at them. Either way I think the friendship is over.

Do you have other people to talk to about it all? Or you can talk here?

Gosh, I'm sorry you had such a crap New Year. Even someone you've just met would be able to come up with more sympathetic words. As she's a good long time friend, maybe she is struggling herself and is crap with words? I don't know....Zulu know her better. Personally I just wouldn't make contact with her any time soon. When you're feeling stronger if she has initiated contact you could tell her how unsupported you felt. But for now just leave it. You don't need such useless people acting as a friend.

She sounds a very selfish person, I am so sorry for your loss. That must be so hurtful to you. Any real friend would not act like that.

@birdiewoof, I keep having flashes of what she looked like in the end and right now it is haunting my dreams. In the last few minutes before she died she did look peaceful, and so that is at least comforting.

I do have a friend who has been there for me, and I am so thankful for her. I also have a wonderful DP who is trying to be there for me, but he has never experienced grief and so the emotional side of it is a little lost on him (but he is trying). My family is in such a state of shock and grief and so I don't feel like I can burden them with my pain when they are dealing with their own (that coupled with how we are all running around dealing with the business of death...who knew there would be so much paperwork).

I suspect the right thing, for now, is to pull back and focus on myself and when I am feeling stronger, I can speak with her. I think time will be telling as well. If she reaches out again in the same manner as before I can tell her exactly what I think of the friendship.

I am really so very sorry for your loss. It sounds very painful and harsh. . You need kindness, compassion and support around you now.

This person is not your friend. I have worked with people like this in mental health teams and believe me you do come across them....

I am actually wondering about the huge relief you will feel if you decide not to continue the friendship. She seems very self involved. You really don't need the responses she has given you and I really think she is adding to your grief. I am sorry but you need real friends. Is there anyone you could call or any other friends perhaps ones you haven't seen in a while. A true friend would be there for you no matter what.

I'm so sorry .

In time you may find that your friend says more about your loss. It's not always easy to find the right words - no different for a professional - and so they say little rather than say the wrong thing, and seem to float above the situation. It doesn't last forever though, reality kicks in.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm sorry your relative had an excruciating death, I do not see the need for that when morphine is available.

x

Imo it sounds like she us pissed off at you and trying to make it known? The bit about does it make you feel better to know other people are suffering too. What? Just what?

I think your right you have way more important things going on to be giving her any headspace.

Once your not in shock and the practical elements (funeral, paperwork etc) are past you will be in a better position and have the time to decide what your next step will be regarding the friendship.

She just talks about herself.

I get that not everyone knows how to respond, esp therapists (often not that great!). However it’s the constant referring to herself. Time to get rid.

She doesn’t sound like a very supportive friend. I have been in this position and I did end up dropping my so called friend. I called her out on her behaviour. She then made a lot of promises to me, apologised for being so flaky and unsupportive in my time and of need, promised to change, then never did. I deleted her number and blocked her on Facebook. I’ve not heard from her in 3 years and honestly it’s no loss. Think about what your friend is really adding to your life. If she doesn’t make you feel good then let the friendship go. Hugs to you xx

@rosewater09

I am so sorry. I lost a family member to sepsis just over a year ago. It is still a shock if I’m honest with you. Your friend is very odd. I honestly would consider the friendship over. Maybe if it had been one text that seemed a bit off but she’s proved that she cannot empathise or even sympathise.

I hope you’re coping ok and you’re not too stressed

@zzzzz no, nothing terrible happened at her work.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. your friend's reaction was completely insensitive and particularly shocking because you'd think as a therapist she'd be a bit more in tune with what people are feeling. Especially a close friend.

I think you should take a much time away from her as you need without feeling at all guilty or obliged to get in touch with her. She has demonstrated that she is not going to be a positive force in your life while you're morning. Once you've given yourself time to grieve I think it would be a good idea to message her to tell her how thoughtless and hurtful her replies were and that based on her lack of empathy and support you've decided to withdraw from the friendship.

sepsistrust.org/get-support/

I saw a poster for this support group at work. They have local branches. Losing a loved one through sepsis is such a sudden, frightening and traumatic experience.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

Id be tempted to message and say"ive been reflecting on how hard the last few weeks have been losing X and those who have pulled in tight to try and support me. However I keep thinking about the message where you compared Y happening at work with me watching my beloved relative dying, that you didn't message me once over that period and when I told you I was still struggling you minimised it.
I really would have hoped and certainly wanted your support. Instead it seems like you didn't care at all and that leaves me wondering about our future.
I'm taking some time to try to get through this period and I shall not message you. You have my number if you want to repair this relationship"

@zzzzz, this behaviour (in varying degrees) is the norm for her, and I was able to excuse it before because I hadn't previously needed support on this level. I don't want to paint her in a terrible light because there have been times in distant past when she was there for me (once when I went through a terrible breakup). But, those times have been few and far between, and I realise now that I have been holding on to the example of her supporting me through a breakup years ago as a way to excuse away other behaviours that don't sit well with me.

A few months ago best friends DH mentioned to me that she complains about how she is jealous of certain aspects of my life--which completely threw me because I have always been nothing but supportive and happy for her accomplishments in life. But I am wondering if this is why she doesn't ask me about my life, or relationship or what's new with my work.

I think on reflection that there are deeper issues at play here that I am not comfortable with. The thing about death that I am realising is that it brings a lot of stuff to the surface and it makes me not want to waste time on things and people who don't contribute positively to my life.

@cavycavy, thank you for the link; I am reading their site now.

@SleepingStandingUp, your response is a great framework for me to work with when I am ready to message her. Thank you.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

To me, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. I would consider her responses actually completely unsympathetic, and unless she has experienced a great trauma that day herself (as in, something of equal trauma of her own and not someone elses) I don't think I could excuse or forgive that kind of behaviour. Even then, I would still be a bit hurt as I feel most people are able to show sympathy for others when they are still going through devastation themselves - I say this from experience as I was completely heartbroken when I found out my friend had been diagnosed with cancer as I sat in PICU while my son was intubated and put on a ventilator. Thankfully he has recovered and so did my friend. But I was still able to message her and give her support from a place of grief myself. I'm sorry your friend has been so unsupportive but I'm glad to hear you have it from other people