To be upset with best friend over reaction to death

[rosewater09]

Two weeks ago a very close relative developed sepsis and died within 48 hours. I was thankfully home for the holidays and was able to be with my relative the whole time. The process of watching her die an excruciating death coupled with how unexpected it was has left me devastated but what has also surprised me is the lack of support that I received from my best friend of 25 years.

Best friend knew my relative well and knows how close I was to my relative. When my relative was admitted to the ICU, I messaged my best friend to tell her that I was staying in town and would by my relative's side until she passed. Best friend (who lives 10 minutes from the hospital) responded with "I'm sorry." I didn't hear from her again until I messaged her 48 hours later to tell her my relative had passed away and that I was in shock and devested. Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, I know how you feel because I have had a bad day too." I was shocked by her message and couldn't believe that she was equating a bad day to the death of my relative (turns out best friend was just stressed over about work). At this point, I was inconsolable with grief and didn't have the mindset to respond to what I felt was an inconsiderate message, and so I did not respond.

Four days later she sent me a message asking if I could help her pick out furniture for her new house, she ended the message by saying "hope you're feeling better!" I ignored her request to help her pick out furniture and instead said "thank you for asking, I am not feeling better. I am devasted and in shock and just trying to keep it together to help my family deal with the legal aspects of the passing and plan the funeral." Best friend responded by saying "I am sorry, does it help to know that other people in the world are suffering too." I felt the message was again minimising what I was going through and was not comforting at all.

Best friend works in mental health (she is a therapist) and she has also experienced the grief of losing close family members, so this isn't the case of her not knowing how to respond correctly or not understanding what grief feels like. I don't feel as if her messages are a real attempt at expressing condolence because they seem to centre on her (her bad day, her furniture and I am just an afterthought). When I reflect on the relationship I can see a pattern of this behaviour where when we get together she focuses on talking about her life and her problems, and she doesn't ask questions about me or my life. These are things that I have laughed off in the past, but now I can't seem to get past it.

What I am trying to figure out is if I am blowing this out of proportion? And if not, should I say something to her or should I ignore it?

@Justkeepswimminglalala, you sound like a great friend, and I am happy to hear that your son and your best friend are doing well!

Just wow...! Your friend is being beyond selfish and extremely uncaring. I honestly wouldn't want to continue any kind of relationship with someone who tosses aside my feelings such as your friend has. She sounds like a shitty friend IMO. Sorry for what you have gone through OP

A few months ago best friends DH mentioned to me that she complains about how she is jealous of certain aspects of my life

maybe but the comments she has made border on callous.

Tell her she is too hard faced and you need to conserve your emotions for reciprocal emotional relationships

rosewater, see how it goes.
You are a great person .

What relative was it OP?

rosewater your post at 09 Fri 11-Jan-19 23:06:38 sums it up very well. You love her, but she doesn't seem to be there for you. She could call and ask how you are, and really listen, or send a card or flowers etc. She could prioritize you at this moment.

If it turns out she cannot do any of these things I would not feel bad for moving away from her and accepting she is a good times/fun times friend only.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'm really sorry for you loss.

I am so sorry for your loss Keep posting here for support for as long as you want to, there are some truly lovely people on here.

Re your friend. I have to agree with a previous poster who said this type of reaction can be quite common in those who work in mental health.

I used to work in that area. Most of my colleagues were lovely, but a large minority used their work as a means to feel better about themselves. They compared their lives to that of their service users and looked down upon them. They also enjoyed the small bit of power and control they had over the service users. It was both chilling and sad.

I guess I am saying this to show that your friends reaction is both common in her workplace, yet very wrong. Being a therapist doesn't absolve her. The pain of others may well fuel her.

Of course, I could be totally wrong and talking out of my arse about her. But either way, I am so sorry and would seriously reconsider your friendship.

So sorry for your loss, you are not being unreasonable, she was being heartless. You deserve better friends regardless of her profession x

I suspect the right thing, for now, is to pull back and focus on myself and when I am feeling stronger, I can speak with her

OP you sound like a lovely caring person and your response to this is spot on. I had to part company with a so called friend of many years standing because they minimised my grief when I lost my DH (actually getting into a very inappropriate comparison about how they'd lost a friend and how that was no different to me losing my DH, as if a comparison was even relevant). My relationship with that person never recovered, they showed me who they were and I made the decision to cut them out of my life, which I didn't find easy but since then I've realised how little I miss them.

If, as your friend is, someone so lacking in empathy that they fail to understand 'in the moment' what a person goes through when they lose someone dear, then they don't deserve a friend like you. Your friend sounds cold and dismissive, you must have been shocked at their response, so you are wise to step away from them for the near term, then decide when you are feeling a bit stronger whether it's best to let the friendship fizzle out. You shouldn't burden yourself with explanations or considerations for their feelings. Why should you care what they think, protect yourself from further harm.

I'm terribly sorry about your loss and your poor friend losing their life to a terrible illness. It must have been awful. Surround yourself with the love of your family and good friends - they will help to heal you in time.

Let me preface this by saying, my deepest condolences are with you in these troubling times. I'm so sorry this has happened to your relative, you and your family and her friends. I know what it's like to lose a very special person in your life and it is never easy.

In regards to your "therapist" friend, I am, frankly, flabbergasted. I am an Aspie (ASD) and so is DH and neither of us have ever been this.... what's the word? Out of touch? To draw comparisons between her bad day and your family member dying and that ridiculous statement she made about If it's any consolation, there are people suffering? I mean, WTF!!?? And, then to find out that she is a therapist? That's like finding out that one of the Kardashian sisters is a therapist (or any other notable profession, but I digress)

If it weren't for the fact that you have a long 25 year history together, then I would say write her off asap. However, I'm inclined to think that the reason you've been friends for 25 years is because she has also brought you a lot of joy and support (not including now of course) through the years. If that is the case, and you think that there is give and take and not take and take, and the friendship is worth salvaging, then it would behoove you, to sit her down and have a long and candid conversation. Tell her how you feel, and how she's made you feel. If she reacts with Oh, my goodness X, I'm so sorry that I've done this to you and have made you feel this way! What can I do to rectify this? Then, I think you should forgive her. On the other hand, if she gets defensive and angry and doesn't see how wrong she is, then you need to take a step back, and seriously take stock of your friendship, and make a decision as to whether you want to continue your relationship with her.

For you,

I was really shocked by how a large number of friends were when I was bereaved, including those I supported through their losses. Sometimes people don’t understand grief but she’s a therapist and should know better so I would just give up on her.

So sorry for your loss.
if there is any excuse perhaps it is simply in the work zone,? a therapist isnt necessarily there to be sympathetic, rather to listen.

people are rubbish at death on the whole. they dont know what to say, they avoid it.
perhaps a face to face chat might be better. or perhaps she is one of these people who want to brush it under the carpet.
look after yourself op.

I am so sorry for your loss and discoving your friend isn’t who you thought she was. I know how horrible it feels to be deserted at such times and totally agree with Justkeepswimming it is absolutely possible to empathise while going through deeply troubling times yourself.

I’ve seen a number of therapists over the years and a couple of them had deep seated problems themselves. I think it is a common problem. My take is that becoming a therapist gives these people control over someone other than themselves when they have / had little control over their own lives / emotions.

From the messages you have received from your friend, I would guess she has a lot of issues herself, which she is unwilling to address. Instead she has chosen to become a therapist. This has definitely not been the magic wand she possibly thought it would be and her angst, anger and jealousy continue to fester while she can pretend all is well.

I would think very carefully before sending any message to her. She will not be able to understand your view point and is likely to respond with anger. Sometimes less is more and silence is golden. If anything I would send her a message along the lines of “I’m sorry you seem to also be going through a difficult time. I really need friends, who can be there for me right now. I see you aren’t able to do that right now so I’m not going to message you further. I wish you luck and happiness for the future.”

When I reflect on the relationship I can see a pattern of this behaviour where when we get together she focuses on talking about her life and her problems, and she doesn't ask questions about me or my life. This says it all. I've had several 'friends' like that, that I've put up with for ages. I think you've reached the end of the line with this one. She clearly isn't interested in your problems, but is only using you as an audience for hers. Some people can't handle deep emotions in others, but it's her job FGS, so there is no excuse for her. Get rid.

Very sorry about your relative and awful experience.

This response from your friend, plus your reflections on your friendship in recent years, eg her not asking about you, would be a deal breaker for me and I would end the friendship, probably by just stopping contact.

If I did want any kind of contact going forward I’d want - when feeling up to it - to tell her that I had felt hurt and very angry about her response to your sad news.

She sounds emotionally cold. She is a therapist you say???

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐
Your friend doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all. I too would say it sounds like she has issues and isn’t good at facing reality, being a therapist maybe helps her bury hers. Sometimes our friends sadly just aren’t who we thought they would were. I had a relative who was seriously ill all over Christmas, the whole period was spent at the hospital. I messaged my close group of friends who all know this relative and other than a ‘get well soon’ I’ve had nothing since to ask whether they have recovered or pulled through. I feel so let down by them as thought they would be of some support.

I think initially sometimes people can act strangely - when DM died I told a work friend over the phone and she was really dismissive/ wittering on about work she was doing that day. But that was only because what I was saying didn't sink in until she put the phone down at which point she texted me with grovelling apologies........

Your friend sounds bizarre and self centred. I would drop her like a hot brick. Hard times show you who your real friends are.

My ‘best friend’ of 20 years acted similarly when I went through a traumatic experience.

My 4 week old baby nearly died in front of me, needed emergency surgery and was on a life support machine. I subsequently suffered terrible anxiety. It was such a hard time for me. ‘BF’ would take weeks to respond to a text when I said I was struggling and offered no support whatsoever.

It really made the dynamics of the friendship much more obvious. Mainly, me always being there for her no matter what, yet she only bothered with me when she wanted something or when my life was good. It had been like that for years but I just hadn’t realised as it was just the ‘norm’.

It took me a while to come to terms with but I barely speak to her now. I considered talking to her about it but I figured she’s hardly going to change now after 20 years. And I couldn’t forgive her lack of support when I needed her the most anyway.

When my sister passed away, we got all kinds of bizarre things said to us. People are strange. Death brings out the strangest parts.

Your friend has spectacularly missed the point - of course other people are suffering but right now you are, and with a traumatic, unexpected death, grief is a very different experience. Not only that but people going through similar, to this day, just brings a whole other level of sadness because you don’t want people to be in pain. My best friend lost her sister almost a year to the day after I did. Not only did I experience grief as I knew the person, my heart breaks that there’s nothing I can do to stop this other person I love from feeling this pain.

You don’t need permission but don’t think for a second that you aren’t allowed to feel everything emotion you’re going through. Your friend has been spectacularly insensitive and dismissive. Be disappointed in her but don’t give it more headspace than it deserves. You have far more important things to focus on.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Unless one of her patients died I don't see how she could think she could compare her bad day to yours.

When I read your story it felt like something had happened previously between you two, that you may not have realised, and your friend was intentionally being a bitch. Especially when she said about other people in the world suffering. It definitely made me think either she thinks you are completely self absorbed and only focus on yourself or that you once belittled a big deal for her and this is how she is paying you back.
Has anything like that ever happened and potentially you had offended her a while back and she is still holding a grudge? Maybe you didn't realise at the time.
Also, sorry for your loss, it is awful losing a relative, especially in such quick and shocking circumstances :'(

So sorry for your loss.

It does seem to be the case that friends can behave very unexpectedly/oddly when someone has died. And interestingly, I think that is sometimes the case if they do have experience of a close relation dying - I think some people 'shut off' from the experience they had, and don't reopen it.

So I think my point is that perhaps the messages can be interpreted in another way. I agree with another pp that the 48 hours no contact might have been because your friend didn't want to intrude - because for example she might have been worried about a text arriving at just the wrong moment. And the furniture suggestion could have been a way of suggesting spending time together?

I think as an example of how difficult it is to know, is the pp below's examples of friends' behaviour when her dh died - the cake and the present of wellies. I found myself genuinely not knowing whether they were examples of kind (but misexpressed?) sentiments, or of inappropriate responses. So I would say give the benefit of any doubt - if she is otherwise a good friend wait a while before doing or saying anything, and then see how you feel.

I don't think I would be able to forgive her for this if I were you.