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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too late for a party or not?

90 replies

Deerstalker · 10/01/2019 13:03

Dd has been invited to a birthday party for a child at her nursery.

She is 3 1/2 and the party is 20 minutes away at a soft play centre from 5-7pm on a Sunday evening when they have nursery the next day.

She usually has dinner at 4/4.30 and is in bath by 5.30 then pjs at 5.45 latest for 6/6.30 bedtime. She has a younger sister who is breastfed to sleep (18 months) who would have to be taken to the party too as it’s her bedtime at the same time as her sisters (she can’t settle with anyone else as I’m the one with the boobs and she feeds to sleep).

I don’t know if I’m being precious but this feels far too late for a 3 yr old on a ‘school night’. It will personally turn our girls into a bloody nightmare for the next few days as routine is everything for them.

I don’t want her to potentially be the only one who doesn’t go though so I feel torn.

My gut says it’s too late and to decline but what do I say without causing offence?

OP posts:

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 14:06

I love the fact that so many brit kids must go to bed at 6pm or go into full meltdown whilst other countries manage perfectly well to have later bedtime and healthy and very happy children

Just don't go if you don't want to. It's a perfectly reasonable time for a party and would suit many families. If it doesn't work for you, don't attend, or leave before the end. If it's a soft play, you don't have to stay for the rubbish food at the end anyway.

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 14:07

Surely no one would leave a 1 & 3yo at a soft play party?

In MN world they do . According to previous thread, you are a bad helicopter parent if you stay with your children at birthday parties, even at 1!

floribunda18 · 10/01/2019 14:08

I think it is a bit late, they will be very tired, possibly overtired at the end, and it might be tricky to get her to bed and to get her up in the morning. At the same time she'll have had her tea already so you don't have to worry about that, and she'll probably have a whale of a time. You could even bring her pjs, put them on before she goes home in case she falls asleep in the car, then transfer her straight into bed! Also she is going to nursery the next day, not sitting a GCSE exam.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/01/2019 14:12

it's one night ...you are being very unreasonable

jessstan2 · 10/01/2019 14:15

It's a one off, don't see the problem. It doesn't do to be too rigid about bedtimes and particularly not for just one occasion. Did they not stay up later at Christmas?

It's not that late either.

Bear2014 · 10/01/2019 14:16

I would possibly go and leave early, or just not go. I wouldn't worry about declining, if pressed you can blame it on your youngest and I'm sure your eldest won't know or dwell on the fact that she's missed out.

TinyTear · 10/01/2019 14:21

it's the available slot, i guess,

I did 5 to 7 for my 6yo as there was nothing else around...
the 4yo usually get earlier slots but mine are late to sleep so that is ok for us. bedtime is usually 8pm even for the 3.5yo

Original poster

Deerstalker · 10/01/2019 14:22

It’s a party in the UK (Scotland to be precise ) and no one is expected to be dropping and running off. Mine are 1 and 3 so I wouldn’t be doing that regardless. Some others at nursery have older or younger siblings (some have been invited and others not - don’t think it’s malicious but rather that they don’t know the names!)

Someone suggested taking dd in later to nursery the following day. Not possible as she will be awake early regardless of bedtime (this is part of the problem) and also it will piss off the people at the nursery if she turns in much later than the others as they have a morning routine there themselves.

She doesn’t nap in the day anymore (hasn’t for a year) and not does her sister. I can’t ‘simply give them a nap’ or ‘let them sleep in’ as some have suggested. I wish to god I could! They are 1 and 3 and don’t work like that sadly!

I think I’ve decided not to do it. Someone very helpfully asked whether 2 hours of soft play is worth the repercussions and frankly speaking it isn’t. I’m worried they won’t get asked again but I’ve got to be realistic and tbh they might not end up at school with this child next year anyway - we live quite far from the nursery and so does the party mum in the opposite direction! Chances are it will be totally different primary schools.

I don’t want to be bitched about at the party for not going though....or seen to be unreasonable or precious.

I wish I was one of those who just went with the flow but routine really is everything for me and for the children. It’s kept us all sane (especially me!) so it’s nearly as important to me as it is to the kids!

OP posts:

coconutpie · 10/01/2019 14:27

It's the right decision not to do it. 5-7pm is way too late for a soft play party. They'll be over-excited afterwards, loaded with sugar and you're probably talking 9-10pm by the time you get them off to sleep which is 3-4 hours past their normal bedtime. Then YOU have to deal with the fall out from two cranky tired sugar overloaded toddlers.

A soft play party is not worth it. Just say you can't make it but thanks so much for the invitation, hopefully we'll see you at the next party.

People saying suck it up, it's one night. No, some things are just not worth it and soft play is defo not worth that hassle. Maybe if it was something else, fine but soft play? No.

BaconMaker · 10/01/2019 14:28

In MN world they do grin. According to previous thread, you are a bad helicopter parent if you stay with your children at birthday parties, even at 1!

Total rubbish, people always get criticised if they leave children younger than 5 at a party. The general MN rule seems to be you stay in reception and Y1 if you think it's necessary but by Y2 usually not. (My eldest is Y2 and most usually stay but that's because we're rural and it wouldn't be worth going anywhere for 2 hours - parents tend to just go to the coffee shop and not pay much attention to the party though).

BaconMaker · 10/01/2019 14:31

I think you're massively overthinking and being precious. They'll be in bed by 8 so only an hour later, of course you can change into PJs before they get in the car. The soft play will provide food so will be pizza and a desert. If you don' want to do it just say "sorry I can't make the party hope it's great". No one is going to bitch about you for not going.

TinyTear · 10/01/2019 14:38

by the way - every single soft play party i have been to (in London) have 2 hour slots but this means 1h soft play then 1 h food

could you go to the soft play 5-6 and then go home, so not do the food bit?

Bluetrews25 · 10/01/2019 14:40

I recall the TV experiment a good few years ago re parents thinking that sugar hypes up the DCs.
Big party of 50 kids, IIRC.
Half the DCs given sugary stuff, other half not, and parents asked to decide which group their DC had been in at the end of the party, based purely on behaviour. Way more than 50% of the DCs were wired at the end.
The hyper DCs parents all decided their DC had been in the sugar group. They were mostly wrong. Just being at a party made the DCs hyped up, nothing to do with diet. Personality, not diet affected behaviour.
FYI.
Sounds like you are fearful of the routine not being followed, OP. Like a PP stated, she doesn't have a GCSE the next day and can always have an earlier bedtime the following day if need be.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/01/2019 14:41

Pfft, don't fret either way.
My 3 would all have been more than fine with that as a one -off, or tbh even more regularly. They'd have an earlier night the next evening if they needed it.
It's a shame for the birthday child if guests can't be flexible by an hour in their routine for a special occasion - but no-one will mind if you decline, so long as you don't accidentally criticise the host's choice of timing by saying its a bit late for us or whatever.

CheerfulMuddler · 10/01/2019 14:42

An hour is plenty at a soft play centre. Could you go for an hour and leave at 6? Or immediately after the food is served, if later. (I'm assuming there'll be a party tea).

You could dress them in tracky bottoms and t shirts (probably a good idea for a soft play party anyway) and then skip bath etc and put them to bed in that.

I'd go, but we've never had a very strict routine with DS, and he's one of the mythical kids you can put to sleep in the car and then put into his bed. (Well, sometimes. If he's tired enough.)

However, I will say that I don't think there's a right and wrong answer here. It's one party, and no, it's not going to ruin your and the children's social life if you don't go. It's not like she's six and its her Best Friend Ever's party - DD probably won't even realise she's missed it. I'd go if it were me, but I wouldn't judge you if you said no. Life is hard enough with two small children to put to bed on your own without making trouble for yourself.

kaytee87 · 10/01/2019 14:44

Agree that sugar doesn't make children hyper anyway, caffeine does though which is obviously found in chocolate.

BoffinMum · 10/01/2019 14:44

I'd probably skip it in your position, it is a bit late for you. There will be others.

Original poster

Deerstalker · 10/01/2019 14:45

Thanks all. I’ve decided not to go. As chance would have it I spoke to another friend via WhatsApp just now and she said she has also had a similar invite (for a mid-week party at the same time for her nearly-6 yr old).

She has declined because it’s too late for them and not apologised/felt bad about it. Given that mine are younger I don’t feel bad at all now.

A lot of you said it is an odd time so I checked the venue online. Exclusive use is at its cheapest if you book a later slot (they have slots until 10pm!)

It’s a shame as it looks like a lovely place actually (not been before). I’ll take the girls there another time (during the day!)

Thanks again and it’s a shame but I’ve got to put what works for us ahead of what works for someone else’s children.

OP posts:

floribunda18 · 10/01/2019 14:45

I recall the TV experiment a good few years ago re parents thinking that sugar hypes up the DCs

My DDs get hyped up about 30 seconds after having sweets or chocolate and they are 13 and 10 years old. They don't only consume sugary treats at a party, but in a situation when they are relaxed.

Also have you never eaten sugar yourself? Maybe you eat so much that it doesn't affect you, but it certainly has an effect on me!

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 10/01/2019 14:46

It an unusual time for a nursery age party but not outrageous. If it doesn't work for you, don't go. It will barely register for a group of 3 year olds.

waterrat · 10/01/2019 14:47

Massive overthinking op.

Can't believe you wouldn't take her late to nursery because you think nursery staff would be pissed off !

Life is so rigid once they are in school take the chances to go with the flow while you can !

However if you don't go it really won't matter to anyone else and I wouldn't give it. Second thought.

Schmoobarb · 10/01/2019 14:47

It is quite late I guess but for a one off it wouldn’t do any harm.

Why does she go to bed so early? Mine have never been in bed at that time. But then I often wasn’t able to collect them til nearer 6 because of work.

CheerfulMuddler · 10/01/2019 14:49

Just read upthread and seen you've decided not to go.

This sounds like the right decision for you.

They aren't going to spend the whole party bitching about you because you can't make it. Nor are they going to refuse to invite you again. If you're worried, don't say it's because you've got a routine. Just say, "Oh, I'd love to, but we've got friends coming round that night." People understand that they won't get 100% attendance at any party.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 10/01/2019 15:07

Honestly, you will be faced with these decisions and it is important to put your needs and that of your children first. They will find friends and no one will be bitching about you at the party. I bet party Mum knew in advance that not everyone would come to a 5-7 party.

LemonBreeland · 10/01/2019 15:20

I think no matter how early or late a child usually goes to bed, that is very late for a party for pre-schoolers. Most will be fractious by then. I can imagine it will be a nightmare party with tired children getting upset very easily.

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