Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother/SIL live far away, never invites us to stay

78 replies

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 12:59

I love my brother a lot, he and my SIL have gorgeous children who I also love and it's important to me that my children know their cousins. I am an expat, but I return home regularly sometimes with, sometimes without my children. AIBU to be upset that neither my brother, or my SIL invite me/us to stay? I'm very unfussy and happy to sleep on the floor. The only way I could see them when I visit is if we book a hotel or airbnb for the night, which I can't really afford for all of us. As a result I almost never see them. Once I invited myself to stay, not really twigging that we weren't welcome. I asked my brother if we could stay two nights, then waking up the first morning SIL's first words were "when are you off"?! Lol. When I said I'd asked to stay 2 nights she looked horrified. It was really awkward and embarrassing so I never asked again. Maybe she hates me? She has loads of friends and she's super nice to them. I barely know her, but it makes me so sad not to see my brother and nieces. But he's a massive wuss and can't stick up for himself with her.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/01/2019 13:04

You’re an expat who returns regularly? If you have the funds for that why not book a hotel room or B and B?
I hate having people stay over. For lots of reasons. I certainly wouldn’t want a whole family “regularly” staying over.
Where do you stay for the rest of the visit? Can’t your brother et al all visit you there?

LL83 · 10/01/2019 13:05

I would tell brother "I am coming back ddmm. Would love to catch up. Worried the children won't know each other. I am staying at xxx can you schedule a visit home that week?"

If my SIL was visiting home town for a week I would feel very selfish to ask them to come see us for a few days when she has lots of other people to see.

Pk37 · 10/01/2019 13:07

Maybe they’re just people who don’t like overnight guest?
I was always happy to have people stay over but now I dread it as I’m just waiting for them to leave which is horrible as I really love them but I just want my house back to myself

Holidayshopping · 10/01/2019 13:09

I detest having overnight guests!! Stay nearby.

Tigger03 · 10/01/2019 13:10

I just hate having guests! It’s nothing personal, but feel on edge the whole time people are staying and just can’t relax.

It’s not the taking up space either, so your comment of ‘we’ll sleep on the sofa’ wouldn’t change my view.

I wish I did like guests but I just hate it!

Daffodil2018 · 10/01/2019 13:12

Maybe their house isn’t big enough for all of you? It’s not their responsibility to put you up when you come home. If you live abroad you’ve made the decision to be at a distance from them. I’d just suck up the expense and get an Air BnB.

Theunsungsong · 10/01/2019 13:12

I hate having people to stay. After a few hours I am just longing for them to leave, also don't like staying at other people's houses, I'd much rather pay for a hotel.

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2019 13:16

Do they come and see you ever? If not, the sad reality is they dont care much about the relationship. Long-term it may hurt less if you just stop making an effort because you'll come to resent it. Do you children have cousins on your husband's side?

BIgBagofJelly · 10/01/2019 13:36

Will he not come to visit wherever you are staying? Does he never plan to visit you abroad? It might be that she's just really not comfortable having people staying in her house (although you would hope she would manage to put up with it politely for two days). If you think your brother is keen to see you and the cousins enjoy meeting I'd probably push it a bit more. If not staying at theirs - them visiting you while you're in the UK or a meet up in the middle.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/01/2019 13:46

My Dad announced a few years ago that he and DSM didn't want us to stay with them (family of four) as it was too much hassle. So we've had to book cottages, etc. since. What it means is that they see less of their GC, as we can't afford both air fares and accommodation too often. Sad It's a shame, but there's not much we can do.

He's relented slightly and lets me stay on my own now as I'm helpful and do chores, cook them meals, etc.! Perhaps you could suggest that you can help out a bit with childcare, etc. while you're there. She might just dread the disruption , some people don't cope well with it.

GhostSauce · 10/01/2019 13:56

There are a lot of people that I absolutely love and value, but I would absolutely HATE them to stay in my house. I hate people sleeping over. I just can't relax.

That could be all it is. SIL might just really not like people sleeping over in her house.

Can you invite them to come and visit and stay with you?

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2019 13:59

Yes, you're being VU. You're blaming your SIL, wondering if she 'hates you'. And saying you don't see them enough because they won't invite you to stay. Why should they? As ^, if you can afford to return regularly you can afford a Premier Inn or similar. I hate having guests too - so I don't have them!
You're also saying that you're not fussy and will sleep on the floor. Maybe they don't want you sleeping on their floor! You sound like an ex friend of mine who (amongst other things) kept visiting at lunch times, claiming "oh I don't mind if you're eating." regardless of the fact that I minded .

CantWaitToRetire · 10/01/2019 14:08

How many children do you have OP, and how old? Also, does your DB have spare rooms at his house for you all? If you don't know your SIL well then for her it's having virtual strangers in her house, and if she doesn't have spare rooms she may not want her space invaded. I certainly wouldn't want my lounge taken up by sleeping bodies as it would restrict usage for my own family/children.

Grimbles · 10/01/2019 14:11

Love how it's the woman's fault Hmm

Grimbles · 10/01/2019 14:13

So where do you stay anyway? Why can't you book accommodation near your brother instead of wherever it is you usually end up staying?

BIgBagofJelly · 10/01/2019 14:23

Wow some of these responses are really rude and quite frankly a bit odd. It's ridiculous to describe OP as a relative stranger to her SiL - the woman is her husband's sister. I think most people would prefer not to have guests in their home but for a few days most people would put up with it for close family. When I was an expat I could get a cheap Eurostar deal home for the whole family by travelling at unpopular times but couldn't afford hotels very much. It does sound like her brother makes zero effort to see her and I can understand why she thinks it's Sil who's driving that since she was so rude when OP last stayed.

BaconMaker · 10/01/2019 14:26

Love how it's the woman's fault

Stupid comment - why does the gender have anything to do with it? Last time OP came her brother said she could stay for two days and Sil went out of her way to make it clear OP was unwelcome - that is SiL's fault. If OP has previously got on well with her brother it does sound like SiL has taken against her for some reason.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 10/01/2019 14:26

Why do posters think that the OP should “suck it up and book a hotel”? Surely if they bear the expense of regularly visiting from overseas, it would be even harder on their pocket to pay for accommodation as well? Especially if the visits are only ever one-way Confused

nancy75 · 10/01/2019 14:30

LadyGregorysToothbrush maybe the brother isn't that bothered about seeing the op?
She says that she comes home regularly, not that he asks her to come home regularly.

CantWaitToRetire · 10/01/2019 14:41

@BigBagofJelly, the OP herself says she hardly knows her SIL, and her SIL is her brother's wife, not her husband's sister.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/01/2019 14:45

Just invite them to come to you! Problem solved

Tinkety · 10/01/2019 14:46

Yep I agree with nancy, OP is the one who moved away & OP is the one who wants a closer relationship therefore it’s her job to facilitate it. It sounds like her brother isn’t really bothered.

Surfskatefamily · 10/01/2019 15:08

I dont like overnight guests, theyre probably the same. just book a bnb ir air bnb.

HotInWinter · 10/01/2019 15:40

We take the hit, and pay for accomadation when we come home.
We take the hit, and put people up if they visit us. (Visits are rare, due to visa issues).

Unfortunately, sometimes accomadation needs to be factored into the cost of coming home.

I hope you get to build a relationship with your nephews and nieces soon.

Tinkety · 10/01/2019 15:41

OP, could you perhaps be coming across as a CF to your brother / SIL? I’m not saying you are but could it look that way?

You say that you return regularly but when the whole family is with you, you can’t afford an Airbnb or hotel for the night. That means you’re relying on someone else’s hospitality each time you bring them.

Wanting the cousins to be close would mean regular visits so could your brother / SIL be worried that they’re going to end up hosting your whole family on an ongoing basis? Could they perhaps think that you just need a free place to stay & that the cousins being close is just an excuse / emotional blackmail to let you stay?

You’ve chosen to move away so if you can’t afford accommodation for the whole family then you either need to visit alone or less frequently so you can save for an hotel etc. You can’t however expect to visit as regularly as you want & have someone else absorb that cost for you.

I have this problem with a relative, she & her family live abroad & she’s terribly homesick so likes to visit regularly to maintain the close family bonds however she can’t afford to do this as frequently as she’d like so expects the rest of the family to put them up on these visits. Once or twice a year is fine but every 6 - 8 weeks in her case is just too much for us. It takes a lot of time, effort & money to host people & although she thinks she’s “paying her way” she obviously isn’t otherwise she’d be able to afford an hotel. A few of us have started pushing back & saying that these visits aren’t convenient but then the guilt trips starts about how her kids are missing us, excited to see us etc.