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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother/SIL live far away, never invites us to stay

78 replies

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 12:59

I love my brother a lot, he and my SIL have gorgeous children who I also love and it's important to me that my children know their cousins. I am an expat, but I return home regularly sometimes with, sometimes without my children. AIBU to be upset that neither my brother, or my SIL invite me/us to stay? I'm very unfussy and happy to sleep on the floor. The only way I could see them when I visit is if we book a hotel or airbnb for the night, which I can't really afford for all of us. As a result I almost never see them. Once I invited myself to stay, not really twigging that we weren't welcome. I asked my brother if we could stay two nights, then waking up the first morning SIL's first words were "when are you off"?! Lol. When I said I'd asked to stay 2 nights she looked horrified. It was really awkward and embarrassing so I never asked again. Maybe she hates me? She has loads of friends and she's super nice to them. I barely know her, but it makes me so sad not to see my brother and nieces. But he's a massive wuss and can't stick up for himself with her.

OP posts:
Thewifipasswordis · 10/01/2019 15:41

You posted this the other week Confused

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 15:47

blimey, all these people who hate overnight guests! This is her brother! I guess, OP, your SIL must be one of these. What a shame for you.

Ellisandra · 10/01/2019 15:49

You’re quick to blame your SIL when you haven’t even asked your brother.
Why is it up to her to invite his family?

Perhaps she was told you were staying one night, or misheard, or just made a mistake - it’s not rude to ask someone when they’re off.

Could be neither of them want overnight guests. Or fear that once or twice will turn into you using them as a free base and that would be too much for them.

TBH I am Hmm when people suggest that men won’t stand up to these harridan wives. Yes, some women are awful. But in my personal experience it’s more often the husband hiding behind blaming the wife for something he doesn’t want to do anyway.

thegardenfairy · 10/01/2019 15:52

Maybe you should invite brother and his family to stay with you?

BusterTheBulldog · 10/01/2019 15:56

I have lots of people to stay, and enjoy hosting, but there are some I just can’t quite cope with staying too much. Maybe your brother is like that too?

shpoot · 10/01/2019 15:57

A travelodge is a few quid. YABU

CandidCat · 10/01/2019 15:58

Do they have other people to stay? DH is a massive introvert and can't stand having people in the house. He tolerates it for a few hours, but has even been known to herd people out after parties quite rudely and sulk for days after an event. Maybe your SIL is also an antisocial arse like this?

Apple103 · 10/01/2019 15:59

I'll be honest and say I was also this way with my sil (Dh sister). I never invited them and probably made them feel uncomfortable. Our reason was her kids were just so unruly and badly behaved that it made having them over at any time such a horrible experience. They were allowed to do anything and destroy anything and it just never occurred to them its disrespectful and not cute and funny to other people.
Even pil also could handle them for a limited time.

Now the kids are grown up and much calmer and well behaved. So it's different and actually a pleasure.

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 10/01/2019 16:00

I barely know her

So why would your SIL want someone who barely knows her, and she presumably feels the same about, staying in her house, especially if you being there throws her routine out.

You say it’s important your children know their cousins so it’s actually quite a big ask since you want your entire family to stay.

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 16:01

Your SIL must be a mumsnetter, most seem to have having guests.

In the world I live in, people would get really offended if friend or family would book a hotel room and not ask if they could stay over! It sounds so odd not to have people over, I never understand what the big deal, but it's a MN thing: people are CF for wanting "free" accommodation.

What can you do? Not much, either book a room or don't see them. You can't push your way in, if they are so rudely unwelcoming, that's what they are. Their children are missing out on a lot of fun having family around, but that's their issues, and it sounds like they have quite a few of them.

Do invite them to stay over, they might even come. You can't change people personal preferences, even when they are so strange.

grinchypants · 10/01/2019 16:06

I think yabu expecting an invitation to stay at somebodies house family or not.
It has nothing to do with whether she likes you or not.
You don't know her schedule, the state of her health, or any of what she might be balancing without saying a word.
It might be that having somebody to stay in her house might be incredibly stressful for her regardless of who it is. I really wouldn't take it personally, can't you just book a travel lodge or equivalent.

HotInWinter · 10/01/2019 16:07

RosemarysBabyDress for us, it's a space issue. Neither set of parents have the space or beds to put up 4 extra people for more than a night or 2. Since we're paying several hundred pounds in air fares, it makes sense to come for a period longer, and it's not fair to stay with people for the periods some expats can be talking about.

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 16:10

Zog because it's her husband's sister? On what planet is that considered someone that you don't put up if they're in town? If one of DH's siblings wanted to stay with us, DH would run it by me to double check nothing was already planned but not with the expectation that I'd say no! It's his house too, FFS.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 16:23

You say you love them which means you should respect their privacy. They have their own lives. Don't be a gooseberry. They are not here to subsidise your jetsetting lifestyle - pay your own BnB. They see you as needy. You are being a CF especially previously inviting yourself to stay.

YABU.

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 16:29

gooseberry?? Now I've heard it all, one half of a couple's sibling being a gooseberry if they come and stay.

My sister used to stay with us quite often, I never once thought (or indeed think) of her as a gooseberry when she did, and DH didn't either. Nor did he ever get the option to say she couldn't stay, not that he would have. She's my sister and has been in my life longer than he has!

MN really does think that family is nothing but your DP and DC.

Montsti · 10/01/2019 16:30

Tbh I also dislike having overnight guests unless it’s my parents...I particularly dislike having other people’s children. I have 4 children and am strict (although I appreciate people probably wouldn’t want us to stay). Lots of people (even if they are immediate family or very good friends) do not discipline their children in the way that I would/their children are really fussy eaters etc..etc...it just becomes really stressful.

How old are your kids? How old are theirs? How many children do you have?

OVienna · 10/01/2019 16:31

How many kids do you have?

Is it just you or usually a crowd? YOU might not mind sleeping on the floor/a couch but she might hate that. Does she have enough space to comfortably - by her standards - host you or is a real squeeze?

Do you come during term time when her kids are at school and the family routine is upset - you're all 'on holiday' but they've got the daily grind to deal with? Especially if they both work.

Do you offer to pay for things or expect them to pay for food etc on the expectation that "You'd do the same if they came to you" but realistically that sort of trip isn't possible with any sort of regularity/ever?

This are the sorts of things that drive people batshit with guests. If you're doing any one of them or a combination, there's your answer.

I have a single female friend and couples I'd have to say any day of the week. Calm, generous with buying in the wine, fit in etc. All good. I have another friend who has treated my home like a free AirBnB. I am now no longer very available to host.

MamaDane · 10/01/2019 16:33

We have had my MIL and BIL over twice each, about four days every time, and it was exhausting to host for people. Mostly that I couldn't entirely be myself and fart without worrying about what MIL thinks, or walk around pantless like I usual do at home, etc.

It's not that I don't like them though. I very much like MIL and BIL.

chillpizza · 10/01/2019 16:36

I never ever invite anyone to stay over. You just can’t relax and be yourself when you have company. In fact I just have people being in my house and end up feeling lazy if I sit down while people are round I end up relentlessly cleaning things to keep busy.

I’ve been known to be busy in other parts of the house to stay away from people dh has invited inside.

I’m the same be it my mum popped in or the gas man. Get ooot me Ouse!

Drum2018 · 10/01/2019 16:43

They may not like entertaining and having people to stay at all. Suggest going out for dinner the next time you are over and see if they are interested. That may be enough level of contact for them. If you think it's all your SIL's doing then arrange to meet your brother with the kids for a day out.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 16:46

If they wanted you over they would invite you. It does not mean your SIL hates you, it means they have heir own life and routine and own four walls. Guests, be they friends, relatives or gas man who turn up with an expectation not an invitation are in the way.

Even when on business I would not just call in to neighbouring friends and family i'd feel very uncomfortable and have awareness of my impact on their lives.

You may find you ingratiate yourself more to them if you make and pay your own arrangements.

Grubsmummy · 10/01/2019 16:48

Some people just hate people staying in their house, i am one of them. It's nothing personal to you.
If my husband invited someone to stay with us I'd go to a hotel, that's how strongly I feel about it!

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 16:53

It's beyond me how people can be so unwelcoming, and stressing about nothing.

I mean, it's your home, you do what you want, I just find it very odd. It maybe that it's such a common thing for friends and family that I have been used to it since I was a child, I just cannot understand why people feel that way. I like having company!

Holidayshopping · 10/01/2019 17:01

I like having company!

Good for you. Not everyone is the same though!

springtimeyet · 10/01/2019 17:07

I like having family to stay, I'm overseas so do it quite a bit. I also stay with family when back in the UK.
But your SIL doesn't want you as guests for whatever reason. There isn't much you can do about that.
Set up a whatsapp group for the DC, send presents to DC. A travel lodge for shorter breaks will have to do.