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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother/SIL live far away, never invites us to stay

78 replies

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 12:59

I love my brother a lot, he and my SIL have gorgeous children who I also love and it's important to me that my children know their cousins. I am an expat, but I return home regularly sometimes with, sometimes without my children. AIBU to be upset that neither my brother, or my SIL invite me/us to stay? I'm very unfussy and happy to sleep on the floor. The only way I could see them when I visit is if we book a hotel or airbnb for the night, which I can't really afford for all of us. As a result I almost never see them. Once I invited myself to stay, not really twigging that we weren't welcome. I asked my brother if we could stay two nights, then waking up the first morning SIL's first words were "when are you off"?! Lol. When I said I'd asked to stay 2 nights she looked horrified. It was really awkward and embarrassing so I never asked again. Maybe she hates me? She has loads of friends and she's super nice to them. I barely know her, but it makes me so sad not to see my brother and nieces. But he's a massive wuss and can't stick up for himself with her.

OP posts:

divadee · 10/01/2019 17:15

I have this issue with bil and sil (partners brother). They have a 4 bed house and plenty of people stay there (sil parents and mil) but if we have mentioned staying, there is never any room. They always ask to stay with us though in our tiny flat! It pisses me right off. But we don't make a thing of it we just don't see them very often as we can't afford hotels etc.....

I would do the same with your brother. I know you want a relationship but it sounds like they arent bothered so just leave it.

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 17:15

Good for you. Not everyone is the same though!

I get that, just find it weird!

I totally get that some people are loner, in a non-negative way. It just sounds ...lonely, but as I said, it's your home, your rules. What I don't understand is why people don't like because it's too much work. Making a bed and a few more food portion never strike me as that much work.

OVienna · 10/01/2019 17:22

Divadee when I was in the hometown of my CF guest, she was magically not available to meet me at any time I was free, not a lunch, not a dinner, nutthin. No way was I going to be crossing the doors of her flat for any hospitality.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 10/01/2019 17:24

jetsetting lifestyle

Christ almighty. Not all “expats” are sipping cocktails on the terrace every evening, you know. That’s a very telling word, “expat”. English culture is so odd sometimes.

So many miserable people on this thread, begrudging putting up a sister in law and cousins who have moved abroad and want to try and keep family relationships going. Heaven forbid you should actually be nice to your family, a couple of times a year.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/01/2019 17:26

Are you sure that your brother told her about your stay? I'm getting a vibe that you don't like her very much so if this is true it could also be a factor.

It is difficult when you move away. Distance can make you idealise a bit, you think a relationship (between the cousins) would have been wonderful and they would have been so close if we hadn't moved away - but that may not be true, unfortunately.

Things move on while you are away while their relationships with each other continue - it is hard, and can be disappointing when you are back there.

Grimbles · 10/01/2019 17:28

Last time OP came her brother said she could stay for two days and Sil went out of her way to make it clear OP was unwelcome

Firstly, they said they had asked the brother but never said it had been agreed or even if the sil knew.

Secondly, the last line of the op is quite clearly saying it's all down to the sil, where in fact the brother might not want op there either.

ittakes2 · 10/01/2019 17:29

I also don’t like overnight guests sorry - maybe try house swapping?

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 10/01/2019 17:32

RiverTam I have no idea why the OP barely knows her SIL and you’d do better to ask her that than me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d have no issue having my own SIL to stay at my house but to have her stay and her DH and minimum of two children (OP doesn’t state how many she has but it’s more than one) would just be too much for our household considering her own children and pets. Sometimes practicalities get in the way. So FFS yourself, love!

cushioncovers · 10/01/2019 17:32

I hate having people stay over. Don't care who it is, it's my problem though nothing to do with who they are as a person so I would always prefer it if they stay in a B&B.

Original poster

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 17:41

Thanks for the input, it is helpful to hear all opinions. Wow, so many people hating having people to stay. I don't like it either much but consider it a small price to pay for staying close to people I love. And one night is more fun than anything else. I've invited them plenty of times, they keep saying they'll come then don't but I don't really mind that since trips are expensive. I know my brother loves to see us, and is certainly bothered that he doesn't much because he tells me all the time and does other things to keep in touch that show he cares (calls me on birthday, helps with stuff). Nice idea Amicrazyorwhat2 about the childcare, I should be more proactive in that sense. But I agree in the long run accommodation is really my problem if the r'ship is important and I'll have to factor it in or accept the consequences.

OP posts:

nicoala1 · 10/01/2019 17:58

OP you have to understand that many people do not wish their routines/lives/changing linen/buying in extra food/talking all day and hosting for days or weeks might might not be on their agenda. Even though they love seeing you!

I can totally understand that. They will welcome you and love to see you, but you may need to arrange your own accommodation.

Original poster

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 18:12

I would love to get closer to my SIL to all those that queried that, I think she is perfect for my brother and a great mum. But unless I spend time with her we can't build a relationship. And that is what I am trying to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

PKPopsy · 10/01/2019 19:03

And would someone explain to me why when a British family in the UK go on holiday abroad, they are just a normal family, but when a British family living outside the UK comes back home for a visit they are considered jetsetters or living a life of luxury? I find it a bit confusing, and only wish it were true because it sounds lovely.

OP posts:

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 19:08

I am an expat, but I return home regularly

if you can afford to return back to the UK you must factor in accomodation costs without using your brother and SIL house. I sense this is something your brother and SIL feel.

BaconMaker · 10/01/2019 19:14

Christ almighty. Not all “expats” are sipping cocktails on the terrace every evening, you know. That’s a very telling word, “expat”. English culture is so odd sometimes. So many miserable people on this thread, begrudging putting up a sister in law and cousins who have moved abroad and want to try and keep family relationships going. Heaven forbid you should actually be nice to your family, a couple of times a year.

Exactly this. I am much better off now as a non expat than I was living abroad. We had almost no money and would travel back at antisocial hours very cheaply and stay with family on our return. We could no way afford to travel all around the UK and stay in hotels too.

Im an introvert and like my own space, I'm not very keen on having guests but I do it because it's important to keep in contact with family - especially when they're scattered all across the globe. Surely most people can manage a few days of house guests even if it's a bit cramped.

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 19:31

I do hope all these guest haters are prepared for their DC to grow up, leave home and never visit nor have visitors including their own parents. God forbid any of you might not be able to afford a hotel. And obviously you'll no longer really be considered family, well, you'll be 2nd or 3rd rung family. Not real family.

What an utterly miserable thread.

delboysskinandblister · 10/01/2019 19:35

Explain to your brother and SIL that it would help you financially if you could squeeze yourself onto their living room floor and life for few nights 'regularly' because it's you can't afford a BnB you are dying to get to know them better and see how that fares.

We could all do that but we don't use relatives to subsidise our own ends. Cut down on the regular trips and book ahead for a Travelodge at a very cheap price.

whittingtonmum · 10/01/2019 19:39

I would recommend you look into homeexchange. It is a great way of staying near family and friends without imposing on them and without much cost involved.

yorkshirepud44 · 10/01/2019 19:41

The bottom line here is you clearly aren't welcome to stay for whatever reason so I wouldn't push it.

Feeling unwelcome or in the way is awful. Dp and I book hotels near his family as staying with them is just an utter palaver which inconveniences everyone. Tbh I want a good nights sleep and access to a private bathroom as minimum these days.

nicoala1 · 10/01/2019 20:23

I don't think it is about being unwelcome at all. Just that family routines and staying awake chatting, and getting rooms ready, sharing bathrooms, and providing meals is just too much for some folk in their day to day busy lives.

There are lots of options that still mean people can visit and chat and share a meal. But not be a constant presence either. I totally get this.

RosemarysBabyDress · 10/01/2019 20:55

You are so right RiverTam , it's sad. What's even sadder is that for many posters it's not just about inconvenience, it's the outrage that someone could get something "for free" - free accommodation when staying with relatives and so on, see the:

We could all do that but we don't use relatives to subsidise our own ends.

In normal families, you are happy to help and support each other, aren't you? You help them out, they invite you over, it makes life so much nicer. And it's a pleasure to see your love ones. MN is a funny world.

RiverTam · 10/01/2019 21:02

Absolutely. We are in London so get asked if we can put people up for a night or two if they're in town for a meeting or whatever. Which we do, willlingly. But I guess I should really have told then to shove off to a hotel, right? And not treat me like one. Off you trot, 75 year old FIL, you can't just disrupt us by wanting to stay in a home rather than a hotel and actually spend some time with your son and granddaughter? Silly man.

JFC

nicoala1 · 10/01/2019 21:41

OH whatever.

I do not like my space invaded for days or weeks and I guess many more people if they are totally honest feel the same. It is expected though to put up with it. Not me.

Be true to yourself is all I can say.

I have paid for family to stay in the Travelodge ten minutes away. They never said they they would pay half or full either.

I will just say this. Why do visitors expect to be guests?

I much prefer to be independent and visit when it suits everyone I do not like invading other spaces, and prefer to be independent. Is there anything wrong with that?

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2019 22:13

No Nicoala, there is nothing wrong with that. All this "FFS you're all miserable, mean, nasty ..... " is just ridiculous.

I do not like having house guests. My house, my rules, my choice. It doesn't mean I don't like the people concerned. It does mean that when I get up for a wee in the night I don't have to worry about putting clothes on in case someone sees me. It means I don't have to worry about my (allegedly) very loud snoring . It means I don't have to worry about who eats what and when etc etc etc.

I don't like being a guest either. Not being able to eat when I want, or drink when I want. I still remember my exSIL refusing to feed my young children who'd been up since 6am, with me desperately trying to keep them quiet for 2 hours, because "I thought we'd have lunch at 2pm - 12 is too early surely? And you can't possible give them fish fingers and pasta..."
And having to wait until 10pm for an evening meal "because we need to wait for xyz..."

It's OK not to want to put people up. Really, it is.

Sinead100 · 10/01/2019 22:20

I do hope all these guest haters are prepared for their DC to grow up, leave home and never visit nor have visitors including their own parents

This.

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