To feel sad for the guy in the paternity fraud case

[moanymoaner]

Was watching it on GMB this morning and he was teary , I feel sad for him . I can't imagine finding out when the kids were older that they weren't yours! I get that the boys are standing with their mum but surely they must be feeling cross with her lies :( all such a mess for them :(

He should have put his children first

Surely the point is they aren't his children??

Who knows how this news has affected the man. Maybe he is angry because the past 20 years of his life have been a lie. Maybe he would have made different choices had he known that the children weren't biologically his.

The posters sympathetic to the wife - would you be as sympathetic towards a man that had conducted a long term affair? If the wife were to post her story about feeling betrayed, that her entire married life had been a lie would you tell her to count her blessings? Would you expect her to not be angry at her cheating husband?

Yes, raising children well and being a good parent isn't just about biology. But that should only happen with the full knowledge and consent of the non bio parent. Imagine if a step parent were trying to assert that they were as much a parent as the biological parents and so therefore have as many parental rights as the biological parents because they've helped to raise the children. How many threads are there on MN started by mothers complaining that. they think step mums have over stepped the mark eg by getting the child's hair cut without their permission or the such like?

It doesn't matter what this man is like or what sort of a husband he was. That is a separate issue to what this woman has done. Any harm being done to the boys now is solely because of the actions and decisions taken by the mother.

I understand that he his hurt. And certainly having an affair on the ex wife’s part was wrong. BUT. Given he didn’t find out he was infertile until very recently, how do we know that she didn’t think/hope the children were his? She certainly hadn’t previously sought out proof either way as far as we know.

When looked at from that point of view, this case seems no different from the 1000s of other women that have affairs and hope for the best, judging by the number of these kinds of stories on the Jeremy Kyle show!

Indeed. He did not have to go to the press although he chose to do so. I think people should get DNA tests done when babies are born as it just is simpler.
He could have chosen to adopt them of course rather ask for money back which presumably was spent mostly on them not on the wife.

His predicament arises out of the wife's behaviour

Absolutely. How anyone can have the nerve to defend the mother is beyond me.

Indeed. He did not have to go to the press although he chose to do so.

I imagine the press got wind and we’re going to run a story anyway. Perhaps he feared his reputation being ripped to shreds. It was a poor decision to tell his story but I still don’t think it makes him the terrible person some people believe. This is a hugely emotive subject and people do make poor decisions when emotions are running high. It doesn’t take away from the sickening behaviour of his wife.

. Given he didn’t find out he was infertile until very recently, how do we know that she didn’t think/hope the children were his?

Isn’t there an age gap between the kids? Suggesting it was a long term affair, not a quick fling. That would suggest to me that she didn’t long for children with her husband, it would suggest very little love or respect for him on her part. Fertile or not.

YANBU I felt so sad and disgusted for him...

Until I watched the GMTV interview with him and his wife. Not once did I hear him mention how those poor sons must have felt finding out, it was all me me me.

And then to have it splashed all over the media and their “father” on tv discussing it must make it worse for them.

As abhorrent as it is their mother is still their mum and in his final message to his estranged sons live on tv he said something along the lines of “all is forgotten please get in contact with me, come round I’ll stick the kettle on. Oh and tell your mother to stop being so daft.

Couldn’t help getting a dig in could he. That’s hardly going to encourage his sons to forgive him.

Given he didn’t find out he was infertile until very recently, how do we know that she didn’t think/hope the children were his

Not the point. She knew that she was having sex with 2 men. Therefore the dad could have been either. Whether so hoped that they were his is irrelevant. She should have owned up when she first became pregnant but that would have caused her huge problems and so she kept quiet? That's wrong.

On another thread a poster is worried that she is pregnant and their are 2 possible fathers. The time scale is too close to call. She hopes that it's her DP and not the ONS. I wonder if she will admit the situation to both men or will she keep quiet and hope that she's never found out?

Actions have consequences. This woman slept with 2 men and got pregnant. She should have owned up and then dealt with the consequences. That she didn't is no one else's fault but hers.

THE WHOLE POINT IS HE IS NOT THE FUCKING FATHER.

He is the father he’s just not the biological father.

Your claim totally devalidates step parents and adoptive parents everywhere.

Your claim totally devalidates step parents and adoptive parents everywhere.

No it doesn’t. Adoptive parents etc KNOW there is no biology involved. They understand and accept this. This man did not. I am an adoptive parent.

Bollocks. A step-father is a step-father. A step-son's father is his father.

And when did he adopt the kids?

Except they chose to adopt/ enter into families knowing they werent the biological parent, this man had no choice and was entered into that familial set up by selfish deceit. Theres also tonnes of posts on this very site by women who talk about step parents not being the same as real parents.

The fact he didn’t know doesn’t invalidate the fact he was their father.
Statistically, there are families across the country in which father and child are not blood relation yet they never find out.

If you asked the boys who their father was - what would they say?

The fact of biology seems to be less important to them than it is to him.

The boys appear to be relatively ok with their mother's deception. He understandably is not ok with it. Biology is important to many people, not just this man, but even if it isn't important to someone, and he does appear to want to continue a relationship with them, the truth most certainly is. There is no comparison with adoption or becoming a step-parent. Those are active choices, not a choice made for you by someone else.

Oh the irony. Your post was so hilariously thick I didn’t even bother replying.

Really Tatania, I can’t say I’ve noticed you adding anything to the discussion except pointless Emojis and bitching at other posters. Please stun my with your cuttingly incise analysis. Or just dial it up a notch from your current ‘11 year old bully on snapchat’ setting. Whichever.

The issue is about the role. Of course there is comparison with other non-biological parents, the only difference is that he didn’t know.

That's a pretty material difference though

I'd consider consent to make a huge difference.

It’s a difference, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was in the father’s role. It changes the terms on which he entered into that role. It doesn’t change the fact that to the boys he is their father and that is the relationship he had with them for the majority of their life.

I can’t say I’ve noticed you adding anything to the discussion.

Well you might want to read back. Bottom line is I am not prepared to enter discussion with a poster who is at a Netmums/Daily Mail level of debate.

To give a slightly different scenario if my husband sleeps with other women and we are in an openly polyamorous relationship where we have mutually agreed that is ok, that's one thing, but if he's sleeping around behind my back and we have not agreed to it then I have every right to be furious, to feel cheated and deceived. Consent makes all the difference.

Consent makes all the difference wrt to sexual behaviour but it doesn’t change the fact you were husband and wife.

No-one has said this man doesn’t have the right to feel cheated and deceived.

The fact he didn’t know doesn’t invalidate the fact he was their father.

So legally he would be recognised as their father would he? Just say he died intestate, the boys would inherit would they because "he is their father"?

Are you ok with the idea of a man lying and deceiving a woman, just so long as she doesn't know about the deceit?

He was in the father's role unwittingly and very likely unwillingly. If he had known the truth he may have walked away. The relationship with those boys were built on a bed of lies. If she'd told him the truth after the first boy was born he'd have had the choice to raise them or not. A choice he should have had the right to make. I'm not surprised that he's lashing out.