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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH was assaulted at work oday

91 replies

Silentviolet · 09/01/2019 17:36

My DH has learning difficulties. Over the past 6 years he has worked so hard and has been offered a job at a new company for better pay and better hours.

He's been in the job for less than a month and the guy who he is working with made it clear on the first day that he didn't want my DH working with him. The role was created for my DH so this guy has never had anyone working with him before.

My DH has been coming home saying this guy makes things difficult and makes remarks. Today he came home and said that he has been threatened and physically assaulted by this guy. My DH had made an error and thus guy flipped at him, shouting and swearing calling him fucking useless and told him to get out. When my DH told him to calm down the guy started pushing him repeatedly. My DH stood his ground and this guy pushed him really hard into the door.

My DH reported it and the guy was spoken to and made to apologise. My DH now doesn't want to go back but has to as we have 2 small Dc's and he can't afford to be out of work.

I am in a professional role and consider myself to conduct myself in a professional manner. My DH looks to me alot because of learning difficulties, especially when it comes to anything like this.

AIBU to schedule a meeting with the manager and go in to discuss this with him? Surely it's a sackable offence what this guy has done to my DH? They work so close together how can the trust be restored? I am SO angry by blood is pumping. Either calm me down or give me some mumsnetters please

OP posts:

Hoopaloop · 09/01/2019 20:55

What an absolute cock. I'd hate to work for an employer who thought that was able to be dealt with so poorly. If there's an HR department, get DH to go. Noone in their right mind would see him as a troublemaker.

SirGawain · 09/01/2019 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNH as it quotes a deleted post.

Jenny17 · 09/01/2019 21:02

Your hubby should go in tomorrow and gauge the situation. The manager should be either on his best behaviour or moved.

Get your hubby to write down any remarks in a diary when he gets home each, hopefully the will have stopped. At the same time no harm is seeing what's out there discretely.

Hidillyho · 09/01/2019 21:02

Jessstan2
Are you the colleague? As your go to answer is for him to leave and not the person who assaulted him. You then say he will have difficulties finding a new job (I’m not sure on what you have to base this on) and then question the OPs relationship with him.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2019 21:04

if you allow this Assault to be swept under the carpet, you are leaving the door wide open for it to happen again with no consequences. Personally I would encourage the grievance process but I’d be pursuing an Assault Charge via the Police too.

You cannot let bullies Win, people have fought tooth and nail for these people to be eliminated from society, please don’t ignore this.

Regards to your Husband.

PotteryGirl · 09/01/2019 21:06

Jesstan2... I think you should actually stop now. Crawl back under whichever stone you came from. What a horrible thing to say.

Littlechocola · 09/01/2019 21:06

@jessstan2 what a fucking knob! (Hope you see it before it’s deleted).

delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 21:07

you phone the police. I had someone threaten to do this at work. I didn't call them then and there. I should have done. It escalated to my home.
I got a crime reference number. Nip this in the bud the bully will back down once they know they cqn't do this. DH employer will know you are taking this very seriously.

SuziQ10 · 09/01/2019 21:08

If I were you I would write a statement outlining what happened and conduct communication in writing. Incase your DH does not pass his probation period potentially due to this. Or if he gets let go. Best to have all the details backed up.

delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 21:08

this is 'common assault'

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 09/01/2019 21:12

Ffs learning difficulties describes a massive spectrum covering thousands of different conditions and each person can be somewhere from affected slightly to massively!

anyone stupid enough to comment like some of you have should be bloody ashamed of themselves

Imthevoice · 09/01/2019 21:14

I understand ALL the ‘rights’ but sleep on it. This needs calm and careful handling. His behaviour is inexcusable but as you know your DH is in a vulnerable position if he’s only just started. I actually think this is a great opportunity for your DH to prove his resilience to the employer (and to himself). The guy he’s working with will be known for his attitude - it rarely develops overnight - there will have been other occasions he’ll have displayed similar behaviour. Unfortunately the working environment isn’t always fair or reasonable as it always involves other people. You can make a thing of it but your DH isn’t of proven value yet. And the other guy may well be more costly/difficult to get rid of - never underestimate the apathy in many businesses. If your DH can go back tomorrow and be reasonable and calm, he’ll be gaining rather than losing confidence and the employer will hopefully recognise it. Your sense of outrage is utterly understandable but if I may say, is similar to a parent/child dynamic - and I have always been of the tough love ideal. Don’t fight their battles, give them the skills to fight their own.

Bombardier25966 · 09/01/2019 21:19

Excellent words from @Imthevoice on the realities of this situation. The other man's behaviour was entirely unacceptable but whether the police or the employer will do any more about it is another matter.

How long has the other man worked there?
Who dealt with the incident today (manager, HR etc) was it formally recorded?
How big is the company?
Is there any video footage of the incident?

Squidgee · 09/01/2019 21:28

Trust me, my Ex DH and Dad both worked in industrial settings.

Anyone who is aggressive and a danger/threat to other employees will have his card marked and not be popular with the other staff.. he's probably already threatened several of them.

While I agree your DH needs to go in tomorrow and front this out, to prove to himself that he can do it.. I dont necessarily agree that he should 'suck it and see'

This was assault, it ought to be gross misconduct and immediate dismissal. Your DH is protected by the law. Don't let his attacker get away with it.

Ethel36 · 09/01/2019 21:32

I feel really sorryfor your husband OP. My brother and father both have slight learning difficulties, they have both experienced bullying in the workplace. Your husband is vulnerable, so yes I think you should have a meeting with his hr and manager and discuss what happened to nip it in the bud.

birdiewoof · 09/01/2019 21:38

@jessstan I am disgusted at your attitude. My DH would be classed as having learning difficulties as he has severe dyslexia. I went to a grammar school and have a degree. We have been together for 13 years. We work very well together.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/01/2019 21:47

Get it on paper so he doesn't forget details.Id speak with ACAS and Mencap for advice on how to escalate this appropriately.

I think that this ^^ is the most sensible advice on here.

I am fuming on your behalf.

mumsastudent · 09/01/2019 22:24

iq is the most inaccurate method of functional intelligence - there are many types of intelligence & some people who have a form of learning disability are more able socially practically or emotionally than sociopathic (& apparently with a high iq as he continually tells us) presidents. I wonder if the worker who is suppose to be his "mentor" is underperforming & this is suppose to be method of proving himself. If your partner has a specific form of ld (ie dyslexia, dyspraxia autism or whatever) contact the specific Charity & ask for advice. By the way - good on him getting the job! For those who haven't had these hurdles or had close family who have had to face them - its a catch 22 the government assessors state you must get work but companies wont consider you or even give you interview let alone offer you work. & than you get this bulling by creeps like this or people saying why should companies offer work? Because given time & the right training & work environment people with disabilities can become valuable loyal employees! (gets off soap box...)

mumsastudent · 09/01/2019 22:29

one cant help but wonder who on earth would want to marry @jessstan …

madmum5811 · 09/01/2019 22:35

You cannot sack on the spot. I had an employee grab another by the shirt and push him into something. I sent the employee home. Contacted ACAS who were so helpful. I was able to sack him following the correct procedures.

user1478639495 · 09/01/2019 22:38

Your poor husband! And poor you I'd feel the same you just want to protect your other halves don't you. I can totally understand where he's coming from he doesn't want to risk looking like a trouble maker (I've been there) but this is how the bullies win! He could look at it from another way, he reports it or discusses it at more length with hr making it extremely clear that he will not tolerate this from anyone and actually gain more respect, if this isn't the case then hey, he can look for another job and hold onto this one until he finds somewhere better. No one should put up with this crap but it happens so much and in my experience a lot of them get away with it as they rely on ppl being too scared to talk or worry they'll be thrown out, well in the long run if that does happen then he's had a lucky escape he doesn't need to be somewhere that doesn't have any respect for all employees as for that other guy he clearly is a narcissistic ass hole!!

I think it's best you stay out of it as that won't make your hubby look strong or confident but maybe just lay it out to him the respect he would get to go in and stand strong and say nope I'm not taking this shit, he may surprise himself most ppl are decent..... this man may have been doing to other colleagues who may speak out who knows?
Good luck 🍀

jessstan2 · 10/01/2019 00:47

Depends what is meant by 'learning difficulties'. It's not a term used often nowadays, people are referred to as having 'special needs'. When I was young I had 'special needs' regarding education but my IQ was high. Nowadays I'd be classified as having ADD (not ADHD because I wasn't overly active); people with very low IQs were called, "Educationally subnormal". After some years they were known as people with 'learning difficulties'.

I knew dyslexic people who were highly intelligent and went on to have great careers; many on the autistic spectrum did the same - thankfully!

All I wondered was, is the op's husband someone of low intelligence. There's nothing innately wrong with low intelligence, it's just how someone is but I have not known anyone of 'normal' or high intelligence marry somebody of low - so low that are considered to have 'learning difficulties'. They could never be on the same wavelength.

I don't think I posed an unreasonable question considering (unless I've missed it in the interim), the op has not described the nature of her husband's learning difficulties. I'm quite sure a lot of Mumsnet posters have wondered the same but just not posted - hence we are only into three pages.

Anyway, meant no harm.

wombat1a · 10/01/2019 02:28

Do not get involved yourself, get him to write a letter to his HR, help him write it. It might be helpful for him to do this in case the other guy goes to HR to get rid of him for your Dh to have something lodged with them already. At the very least he could have a case for some compensation if they let him go at the end of the 3 month probation.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 10/01/2019 03:18

Am I the only one who takes umbrage with the fact that the OP had to tell us that her husband has learning difficulties and therefore, it is implied that he is prone to bullying? It feels awfully diabolist to me. I am an Aspie and so is my husband. He is a corrections officer at a maximum security men's prison. He gets into criminals faces when they are out of line and tackles them to the floor when the situation calls for it. He is braver than any NT man I have ever met. I'm sorry this happened to your husband OP, but just because someone has learning difficulties doesn't mean we can't stand our ground and defend ourselves if need be.

@Jessstan2, you're a moron.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 10/01/2019 03:21

disablist

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