Re Empty Nest sister

[Thelightofjanuary]

My sister's youngest child left home in September 2017 to go to University. She was, understandably, sad at the time and found it difficult to adjust to a new chapter in her life.

But nearly a year and a half later she's still moping and talking about how 'dead and quiet' the house is and how she has nothing to do and the days just drag.

She's in her early fifties and her DH has suggested she look for part time work. I've tried to get her interested in taking up some kind of activity or joining a group or doing charity work. But she's not interested and just keeps saying that she wishes she could have 'those years back' when her kids were small and she was busy ferrying them around and looking after them.

Is this a normal way to feel? She was very involved in their activities and was on the PTA and basically immersed herself in their world when they were young, but I think at the cost of any kind of life of her own.

She sounds completely stuck in the mode she was in when her kids were younger and needed her all the time. It's a normal, healthy thing for children to grow up and be home independent, but some parents don't seem to cope very well with it.

She's a relatively young person with a lot of life to live and it's sad that she's still feeling this way a year and a half later. Do you think she is depressed? It's frustrating to listen to constant negativity over the same thing, but it doesn't sound like she's asking for advice or solutions. I can imagine you're finding it difficult to listen to

'Become independent' not 'be home'!

I imagine it would be a similar feeling to being made redundant or made retirement, but without the supporting processes around her to manage a pretty seismic change in her life.

You're clearly worried about her, could depression be a factor? A year and a half is a long time, but I don't have the benefit of experience to provide any more helpful advice.

Does she perk up at Christmas when they're back home?

It seems she was a martyr to parenthood, and I can understand it a little, as I have been guilty of it in the past. However, I can see that it does no good and am already have my own life and hobbies etc.

Your sister probably doesn't know where to start with something new, but I would also be a bit frustrated at her moping around and wishing for something she can't have back after this long. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

I don't mean to sound facetious, because I plan to do this - would a dog help? They need walking twice a day, and getting up and out would help her with feeling down and get her out of the house, plus it's a creature to love and pamper again

Has she considered becoming a foster carer?

perfect next step stompy. I was thinking the same.

I don't think she's depressed in a clinical sense. I think she kind of lost touch with 'herself' when she became a mother and just absorbed herself 100% in the kids and their lives and doings. So I suppose a huge part of her identity has now been taken from her. I know her husband is becoming frustrated with her. She's still relatively young and I really think if she just tried out a few activities or thought about returning to even part time work she might start to view the world differently.

I was going to suggest a dog too. Its what I've done and honestly she's been a godsend.

I think this is really hard to go through. I am at the moment and have a busy job so that takes my mind off it but it is very hard. I would describe it more like I would expect a divorce to feel. You haven’t stopped caring for them like you always did but they have moved to a new phase where you are not central to them any more. It is a very jarring process and has taken me by surprise if I’m honest because I’ve never been a clingy parent at all. It is a seismic change

She needs to find stuff to do. I found it hard when my youngest went to uni. I had taken early retirement then that same year she went off. It took me a while to settle into things i like doing and now have a busy and fulfilling life. One of the things i do which i love and which keeps me in touch with small children/family life etc is volunteer work with Home-start. Maybe she could think about applying for that?

I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy. Some women really do play the mum Martyr.

Sounds like she's stuck in a grieving cycle for her old life.

I'm a bit younger than her but stay at home, so know you need structure, purpose & community.

If she likes kids, there's lots of opportunities. Suffering will prevent her looking tho as she probably wants her own kids back younger. She possibly does need some help.

Every empty nester I know has acquired a dog!

I don't think it makes you some frumpy old saddo to miss your dcs when they leave home. Many people enjoy the hustle and bustle of family life and for things to suddenly go quiet is a big change. Even if you work, returning to an empty house can be sad, and not hearing the daily gossip/complaints/managing the mess etc etc.

There seems to be a bit of one up(wo)manship round my way whereby people are bragging about having their dcs boomerang back and how lovely it is to have them round the house again. Likewise the granny braggers about having their grandchildren nearby.

She needs something, or she's at risk of becoming one of 'those' MIL's that are over involved in their children's lives.

You can't make her do anything unfortunately.

Every empty nester I know has acquired a dog!

Not me - I acquired trees

It was different for me as mine didn't so much fly the nest, as crawl very slowly out of it! My DS lived at home while he was in Uni and he's only now leaving home for work abroad. My DD very gradually moved in with her partner. Even now she normally comes home a couple of nights a week. So I think I had a huge period of adjusting slowly. So now I feel fine about them not being here.

You definitely need your own life though. I work and have multiple hobbies, and I travel a lot. So I don't have time to feel fed up or bored. If your Dsis insists on just moping and not taking on board any suggestions there isn't much you can do.

HomeStart volunteer?

My former colleague was still taking the "holidays" off from work for her children (very flexible working here) up to last summer and her youngest was in her last year of Uni including half term when they weren't even home!

They're the last of a dying breed I think.

Tell her husband to buy her a puppy or kitten for Valentine's Day or better yet 2.

I can't wait till my 4 are gone..one left ,then returned a year later with one in tow.so now I've 5 ,I'm desperate for to leave and fly the nest..I will have a party when mine are all gone.i recon in 10 years I will just have one left .😀

I have a lot of sympathy. My DD will probably go to Uni later this year and I am dreading it - DH travels a lot so there will be weeks where I will be on my own. DD is such excellent company - we are close and I will really really miss her.
I am quite an outgoing person and already do stuff I enjoy with other people so I won't be twiddling my thumbs but I am struggling not to feel as if I will be consciously working at filling my time.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Definitely some food for thought on here.