Re Empty Nest sister

[Thelightofjanuary]

My sister's youngest child left home in September 2017 to go to University. She was, understandably, sad at the time and found it difficult to adjust to a new chapter in her life.

But nearly a year and a half later she's still moping and talking about how 'dead and quiet' the house is and how she has nothing to do and the days just drag.

She's in her early fifties and her DH has suggested she look for part time work. I've tried to get her interested in taking up some kind of activity or joining a group or doing charity work. But she's not interested and just keeps saying that she wishes she could have 'those years back' when her kids were small and she was busy ferrying them around and looking after them.

Is this a normal way to feel? She was very involved in their activities and was on the PTA and basically immersed herself in their world when they were young, but I think at the cost of any kind of life of her own.

My DH went through this - his kids all left home. He's still overinvested in their lives I think.

It really was a shock to him (even though they mostly lived at their mum's). It surprised me.

I'm another one suggesting a dog.

Possibly because I home educated for a lot of years ,that might be why I'm so looking forward to an empty nest..regularly having to cook meals for 7 people is quite a task ( for me). The washing is horrendous too.i love finding myself at home in an empty house .i love it so much.

Too late now, but pity she didn't resume work when DD was still at home. She really needs to get out and about.
Does she realise how fed up her DP is getting? She is risking him going as well if she carries on!
Refusing to help yourself does tend to burn out the sympathy after 18 months.

The dog worked for us.

Other options she might enjoy would be reading with primary school children, Homestart, helping at a local toddler or playgroup.

Or spark some new interests that will get her going again- book groups, exercise class etc etc. It’s maybe time to get tough as she’s your sister and tell her that this is getting silly and she needs to find her mojo and try something new. Would she be more willing if you offered to try something with her?

Students seem to be home half the year so it's hardly an empty nest. i work full time and when mine leave on 11 for university, lovely though they are, I am looking forward to the peace.

My mother was the same - overly involved in my life and really had nothing of her own. It took, I would say, a good 8 years before she finally began to adjust and now she has lots of charity interests, a lunch club etc that she is involved in. However she still talks whistfully of ‘the best time of her life’ when we were still at home.

I have a newly empty nest as of Sept of last year and although I am content, I now think I should be doing something. However I could literally do anything really - retrain, study again, job etc and am finding the choice utterly bewildering and somewhat paralysing. I am hoping something will become clear as I think more and more about it!

Every empty nester I know has acquired a dog!

No empty nester I know has. Too much of a commitment.

I'm an empty nester myself and have found volunteering, and far less housework to do, quite refreshing. I cried a bit when the last one left of course - but once I knew she was happy and settled then so was I.
OP, I think this sad feeling a year and a half on may indicate some depression creeping in.

I would suggest a dog as well, they are such good company and do get you out of the house.

My sister went through this and she is a very unclingy parent who had a satisfying career and lots of hobbies. I think the strength of feeling took her by surprise tbh.

I felt a bit bereft when the youngest went off to University. The place felt so silent and my days seemed a bit aimless.
But after a couple of months I realised 'silent' was actually peace and calm, and 'aimless' was actually the freedom to do what I liked.

I now love coming back to a house that's exactly as I left it, being able to say to DH on the spur of the moment 'let's just stroll down to the pub for dinner' and having the headspace to get involved in activities I really enjoy.

I think after 18 months your sister really should have moved on and adjusted to a new phase of her life. Maybe some frank speaking from you and from her husband might help. If she's not depressed, then she just seems to be wallowing in her misery and convincing herself that her useful years are over.

'Nothing to do' is a luxury!
I would suggest full time work, then she'd really appreciate time at home...

I would suggest a dog as well, they are such good company and do get you out of the house

But you have to think hard about it first. A dog is a huge commitment. A relative of mine has a dog which she won't leave alone for more than an hour, or put in kennels even for a night away.
She regrets it. It's made her more lonely in the long run as she can't go anywhere. It's a shame.

I think a lot of people yearn for the years of their life they enjoyed the most. So some people may miss having small children, others miss their own childhood or wish they were teenagers again or partying twentysomethings. Some people relish being boomers and going on masses of indulgent holidays.

I also find that several friends have got divorced coinciding with empty nestdom. I suppose it's at that point that you stare your partner in the face after years at the parenting coalface and think, "I cannot face one decade, let alone three, alone with this person."

A dog is a tie, but my dog has enabled me to speak to lots of new people, make dog-walking acquaintances (and friends) and what's more, he is a joyful tie.

To be honest, for her children's sake at least, your sister should really start getting out and building a life for herself.

I had an aunt who was like her. She just went into a decline when all her kids left home and was constantly talking about how lonely it was, getting upset if one of them said they were going to work abroad for the Summer, putting on a long face if work demands meant they could only stay for a few days over Christmas and not a couple of weeks, and basically making her children feel constantly guilty for not being able to fill her life they way they used to.

I was always so thankful that my mum had interests and friends and a good social life.

A dog sounds a great idea, or, if you don't want to have to walk the dog when it's raining (like me), then maybe a kitten or a rescue cat? Cats are great company and require less effort. I haven't been had to cope with an empty nest as yet, but when I bought and moved into my flat back in 2001 the first thing I did was acquire a rescue cat. It was such a good decision and I've had cats ever since - now I have 4 cats and 2 adopted DDs!

If realise that pets are not everyone's cup of tea of course.

My son started Uni in September and it is hard to let go but I’m 36 and have a 7 year old so still lots of running about to do!
I do still miss him when he’s not here but I adjusted quite quickly (as did ds thankfully) .
Haven’t read all posts but could she get a dog or something ?

I initially loved it but did hit me afterwards. Ds still comes back from uni and may come back again.

Your dsis must try to move forward and a pet is a good idea

It's normal for parents to grieve initially when they become "empty nesters". The fact that she's been doing this for 18 months, though, is becoming a little worrisome.

I think the first thing she needs to do is see her provider for a complete checkup. It's possible there is something medical going on - based on the age of her children, she's probably getting close to menopause, and that can cause depression. She's also of an age where she could develop a thyroid problem. If it isn't a medical problem, her provider could see about referring her to a counsellor.

My parents developed a very practical approach to being "empty nesters". When my youngest brother was in high school, Mum started taking language classes at the local university. She also took up cello - she had been a pianist, organist, and singer for years, but wanted to learn a string instrument. She and Dad eventually moved after my brother left home. Now, she is the president of her church women's group, continues to study cello, and does work with other programs in her church. She also visits her mother weekly (Grandma has Alzheimer's and lives in a care facility). Dad is still working, but has developed an interest in hunting and target shooting. (He and my brother hunt for meat, and humanely - they will only take the shot if they're sure they can get a clean kill in ONE shot. If they don't get anything, they don't get anything. It's okay.) Dad also makes and reloads his own ammunition. In Canada, the gun laws are much more liberal than they are in the UK, so Dad has a number of different firearms. He keeps them unloaded in a locked gun safe, and keeps his handguns in a locked box inside his locked gun safe, as required by law. I think it's great that they have found things to occupy them as they move on from active parenting.

Volunteer as a parent reader in local primary school (paid) or apply to be an exam invigilator (paid). Apply to be a Trustee of a local charity or a volunteer.

Help run local Brownies/Cubs.

I work full time and I was devastated when my dcs left home

it isn't always about having something else to do. I can totally relate to her mourning and grieving feelings. I felt utterly bereft and it really took me by surprise even though I have what looks like on the surface a full and enjoyable life.

Maybe try sympathising with her! I longed for someone to talk to about it and when one of my friends felt the same I was relieved that someone else did feel that way.

Ultimately going out a bit more made a difference. But nothing can take away that feeling that you wish you'd spent a bit more time with them!

OP have you had conversations with her about how she's feeling generally?

Has she gone through the Menopause?

There could be multiple things going on, which need a medical solution. Your children becoming independent brings home that you are aging and that can bring up issues.

Don't suggest fostering, it's nothing like having your own children amd Foster children need people who are mentally fully well, not looking to solve their own issues.

She might need to grieve for a bit longer, because thays what she's doing, grieving.

So look at solutions for grief.

I'd have a gentle chat to say you're worried about her. It's a massive knock to your confidence being at home for many years, and she probably hasn't got the confidence to suddenly start going out and looking for work. The longer she mopes about though, the worse it will get for her.

I agree. I don't think fostering is the solution at the moment. It shouldn't be used to mask other issues in your sister's life. It sounds as if she needs to sort those out before she even thinks of becoming a carer for very vulnerable children.

I have a friend and a DSIL who are both SAHMs to DC who are now teenagers. I can’t fathom how they spend so much time doing what they claim to do. I do wonder what will happen when their DC leave home.