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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re Empty Nest sister

72 replies

Thelightofjanuary · 08/01/2019 14:27

My sister's youngest child left home in September 2017 to go to University. She was, understandably, sad at the time and found it difficult to adjust to a new chapter in her life.

But nearly a year and a half later she's still moping and talking about how 'dead and quiet' the house is and how she has nothing to do and the days just drag.

She's in her early fifties and her DH has suggested she look for part time work. I've tried to get her interested in taking up some kind of activity or joining a group or doing charity work. But she's not interested and just keeps saying that she wishes she could have 'those years back' when her kids were small and she was busy ferrying them around and looking after them.

Is this a normal way to feel? She was very involved in their activities and was on the PTA and basically immersed herself in their world when they were young, but I think at the cost of any kind of life of her own.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/01/2019 16:34

Rescue dog or rescue cat - or how about she just gets over herself and starts doing new things for herself... if she has a partner I bet they are getting seriously pissed off by now!

Holidayshopping · 08/01/2019 16:35

Is there a reason she can’t work?

certainlymerry · 08/01/2019 16:35

I can totally relate to what your sister is going through. I used to feel very impatient with women who felt like this when their children left home - until I went through it myself . It is devastating. In some ways it's liberating and exciting, but also feels like a major bereavement. It also often coincides with the onset of menopause for many women.

Life is never the same. Your whole life and household changes. Even for someone who has a fulfilling job it is very hard.
I would just be a support to your sister. Try and think of days out and treats, things you can do together. Don't nag her and push her to do things, just help her adjust and be there for her. There's nothing worse than being told what you 'should' feel , or 'should' be doing when you are struggling to cope.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 08/01/2019 16:36

Please don't suggest using animals or children as guinea pigs to see if they assuage her feelings. FFS, being a dog owner, or any pet owner, or a foster parent is a HUGE commitment, not a consolation prize for your kids leaving home. Fair enough if she comes to that decision off her own back, but honestly, she's an adult. Tell her you're worried about her and hope she takes things further, but beyond that, well, she's a grown up and in charge of going to her 'provider for a check up' or what activities she pursues.

ravenmum · 08/01/2019 16:37

I've been left with the dog after divorce, and now live alone, kids are travelling the world. It is hard, and I have a job and other things to do, and never fussed over the kids much.

it's nice having a dog, but inconvenient if you always need to arrange for people to look after it when you go away for more than a few hours. In future I'd probably get a cat, and try to find someone who needed their dog walked or looked after in the day.

Sounds like your sister could do with professional help.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 08/01/2019 16:39

I agree, certainly. My sister is an empty nester with a fulfilling job. I've got two teens and one 10-year-old myself and she's already told me how much she appreciated not being nagged or hassled and instead just listened to when her two left home (one has since boomeranged).

Carnivaloftheanimals · 08/01/2019 16:42

I have a friend who's a bit like this. Her whole life is wrapped up in her children, she rarely has time to meet up and will cancel at the last minute if one of the kids needs a lift somewhere, and has very few topics of conversation other than the children. Her main friends are other school mums and her main social outlet is helping out at school events.

Her youngest child is fourteen now and the older one is sixteen. In four years time they will both probably have left for university and I really do wonder how she will cope and what she will find to fill her days.

It's understandable that your children will take up a huge amount of your time. But not even carving out a bit of life that's separate from them and will sustain you when they're gone is a huge mistake.

WhyOhWine · 08/01/2019 16:52

my youngest is still a few years away but I am dreading it already and I work full time! We do live in central London so expect even when they go there is a higher than average likelihood of them ending up back with us at some stage.

LuckyLou7 · 08/01/2019 16:59

When my last child left home (after boomeranging back after uni), we downsized and ran away to the seaside. We still have room for the DC and their partners to stay when they want to - and now we live by the coast they visit A LOT. But exploring a new area, meeting new people, starting new jobs, it was all exciting and fresh - still is, to a certain extent. We already had a dog, so he's not a substitute child although he behaves like a recalcitrant toddler at times.

I don't think fostering is a good idea unless it's something she's really keen to do. I do think she should look towards studying/working/retraining though. There are (hopefully) a lot of years left for her, and she should take steps to make herself happy.

IrmaFayLear · 08/01/2019 17:18

As usual people are being sneery about SAHMs, but even a workaholic can be left bereft by the departure of a dc to pastures new.

I would say dh was more affected by ds going to university than I was, and few people work more hours than he does! We were both excited for ds going off to university, but after a few weeks dh became quite dejected and admitted he was badly missing him.

I see on the MN higher education boards some parents acting in rather a mad way planning their dcs' visits home from university after a week and proposing to visit their offspring multiple times.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/01/2019 18:02

I don't think this is about filling time. It's about missing her children. My DH works ft, is always super busy, but has found it terribly hard adjusting to our oldest going to university and then moving out.
For some, filling the time might help, but not for everyone. When children are young it feels like that time will never end and then it does and it's a huge adjustment.

user1465335180 · 08/01/2019 18:39

It's sad your DS is taking this so hard but she really needs to fill her life with new things instead of moping for her DC. Surely producing independent happy DC is the the aim of parenting? If she's been a good DM she doesn't want to spoil it by guilt tripping her DC with her sadness? I think DH's sometimes look forward to going back to just the two of you and he's probably getting upset that now the DC are gone his DW isn't happy

HildegardCrowe · 08/01/2019 18:49

My only child went to uni last September and I'm divorced so home alone. I do have a dog (and cat) and really value the companionship. I work and the routine is vital for my mental health. I miss my daughter but appreciate that going to uni is a positive thing. Your sister isn't doing herself or her family any favours by living in the past - what she's feeling isn't normal and she might benefit from some counselling.

Lottapianos · 08/01/2019 19:12

'There's nothing worse than being told what you 'should' feel , or 'should' be doing when you are struggling to cope.'

Very true. And 'helpful' suggestions can be really upsetting too.

GummyGoddess · 08/01/2019 20:50

It isn't being sneery about SAHM's. I've seen many women who have spent their entire adult lives running around after the children and when they left, they literally have nothing to do. Not many friends, no job, no social life (school events), not much housework. They all seem really depressed as they literally have nothing to fill their time with.

MIL is like this, though both her sons won't let her be particularly close to them so she sleeps most of the day and then just watches the television the rest of the time. Her friends are still working, she can't see them during the week. I imagine that if allowed, she would be in our house every single day. She and FIL are really put out that DH and I have adjusted to being parents, I think they were envisioning looking after the children from newborns and giving out advice left right and centre.

SAHM's owe it to themselves to have a life away from the children, even a really tiny one.

certainlymerry · 09/01/2019 09:17

I think that there are many factors at work, and one size doesn't fit all. How happy the marriage is, whether work is fulfilling or not. Work isn't always enjoyable and rewarding, sometimes it's draining. Whether there are lots of friends to turn to, what the extended family are like etc.
Also how happy the parent's own home life was. Sometimes the family unit is incredibly important because the parent didn't really have one themselves.
It is painful too, even when children come back as adults if the dynamic has completely changed. Siblings don't get on, the children treat their parents as unimportant. Lots of factors at work. It is easy to judge .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/01/2019 10:09

I don't think this is a sahm issue. I am a sahm - trust me, I will have no difficulty filling my time when my kids all eventually move out. I haven't forgotten who I am, while sah!
My DH, who works ft and is very busy, has really missed our oldest when he moved out. I just think different people react differently.

Carnivaloftheanimals · 09/01/2019 11:06

"As usual people are being sneery about SAHMs"

I haven't seen anyone being sneery about SAHMs. Some posters are of the view that wrapping yourself totally up in your kids until the moment they leave home can be a shortsighted thing to do. But no one has said mothers should go back to work. They have said that it's important to have activities or interests that are not totally bound up in your children so that you have a life to live after they flee the nest.

Why do some posters insist on seeing insult and criticism where none was made?

IrmaFayLear · 09/01/2019 11:31

Hmmph. Remember your post of 16.42 yesterday?

I have never run around after the dcs much. We all hate activities! But I enjoy their company and the general feeling of having someone around. I haven't spoken to ds all morning apart from, "Can you take the dog out?" but he's pottering around upstairs and that's a nice feeling. When he flees the nest for good I shall undoubtedly be sad.

My next-door-neighbour's dd has emigrated to Australia. The man next door confessed his heart is broken. Now however much we might fill our lives, that must be devastating.

Carnivaloftheanimals · 09/01/2019 11:34

Can you point out where I was sneering at SAHM's in that post Irma. I spoke about my friend having no friendships or social outlets that weren't bound up with her children. I never even mention going to work, or implied she should have a job.

Please stop putting words in my mouth. It's very annoying.

IrmaFayLear · 09/01/2019 11:41

Terribly sorry! Just off now to fuss around getting ds some lunch...

Lydiaatthebarre · 09/01/2019 13:00

You really are coming across as awfully defensive Irma. I can't see any sneering of SAHM's on this thread and you have failed to point out any.

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